Friday, June 19, 2009

Let's Call This The Half Way Point

This year, I'm going to be 45 years old!
I figure, with advances in medical treatment and technology, this is probably a safe year to call half way.

So, I'm going to be 45 years old.... THIS year!
Which is crazy to me, because, and maybe everyone feels this way, but I'm still 25.
See, I made this promise when I was 21 that since 25 was the perfect age (Old enough to know better, young enough to get away with it still), once I hit that age, I was never going to get any older, and I really haven't.

Looking back, what a weird trip my life has been.
Walk with me now, while I reminisce.

My Childhood
As a kid, I was cluelessly sheltered by my Mom, who was struggling herself to deal with my baby brother and the deterioration of her marriage.
Fortunately, my Grandparents intervened and let us move from suburban (Buffalo) Kenmore, NY into the flat over their garage in rural Alden, NY.
We stayed in that little one room hovel for five years!! And because my only real upbringing was at the hands of my nerdy, frugal and overtly Catholic grandparents, I had little knowledge of the outside world, other than cheap clothes, the outlawed field behind their house, their friends and Church. My brother and I were raised as if we were twins, dressed and treated alike.

My Teenage Years
When I was ten, in an effort to get her kids into a better school system, we moved to upscale Amherst, NY, but the place we moved to was not exactly upscale. It wasn't a ghetto either, but it WAS a great place for a kid, with the seemingly endless woods, paved bike trails, pool tennis courts and no shortage of other kids and ongoing adventures.
Now, by ten, my personality was already somewhat developed, and it was not ready for the ever present peer pressure and competitiveness of Amherst. I really just never did fit in and as I grew older, but never grew bigger, my life collapsed into a routine of running, hiding and dodging the other bigger, popular kids that loved to fuck with me as mercilessly as possible. I was a total victim in high school, and I still, to this day, wonder why that was allowed to happen.
It was bad and it shaped some bad traits in me that have lasted my entire life.
Knowing that all my blogs show up on my Facebook page, and that there are people on my friend's list that I went to high school with, I have no problem talking openly about what I went through back then, knowing that most will simply "not remember".
But names like Chris Guercio, Monte Brown, Tim Bub, Scott Greene, Larry Fineburgh, Jack Armitage, Hank Warden, Michelle Phillips, and other, still light a burning rage in me.
Hell, my friends were all kids my brother's age. I could take them in a fight, and I had a bully mentality with smaller kids, too. Definitely a result of the abuse I took from bigger kids.
Girls? Oh hell no. Girls did not see me and if they did, I couldn't utter the "excuse me" if I had to step out of their way.

When I graduated, I weighed 109lbs. Today, I weigh 200. That is insane to me, that I got this big.
I wish I was this big or had the "fight-to-the-death-attitude" I have now while I was in in high school. Monte Brown would have been eating lunch through a straw....
I'm just convinced he's a big fucking pussy now. I know Chris Guercio had a nightmare for a teenage daughter. Jack Armitage is probably in jail with Scott Greene.

My Twenties
Anyhow, I graduated and was already enlisted in the Army, knowing that the first thing I needed to do after High School, was grow up and get a spine.

So I ended my teens and started my twenties in the Army.
I got that spine, along with a killer's "take-no-shit" attitude, and an endless class-clown type sense of humor.
I also learned about heavy drinking, acid, cocaine, and living on the edge.

Now, looking back, I should have just stayed in. Where would I be now?
This was the first really, life-changing, terribly wrong decision I ever made.
I actually still regret it to this day.

My twenties were the way your twenties should be. Wild!
I partied, rocked, traveled and lived for the moment throughout the entire time.
I learned new trades. Iron Worker. Business Owner. Pool Builder. Mechanic. Steeple Jack and finally truck driver.
I sang in bands that were pretty big in Buffalo. I lived in California, Texas, Washington, DC....
In San Diego, I sang in a band that had the Bass Player and Drummer from Krokus.
That is major! I wonder if Michelle Phillips from high school would make fun of me if she saw me on that stage! (Ha ha)
I lived 100 years in that decade and when it ended, my life was transitioning.

My Thirties
I started my thirties in the midst of a long term relationship with a girl that was just turning 19.
Not my first big relationship, but my first real love, which I managed to screw up.
Actually, it was screwed already screwed up, just due to the age difference.

Anyhow, in my thirties, I evolved more. I began to eat super healthy. I worked out religiously. I threw myself into my work. I dealt with the heart ache of that relationship ending and learned to move on. I found spirituality, began thinking deeper and I found myself back in the music scene, promoting bands and clubs.
Once, I almost booked Fuel and Tonic at 3600 seat Shea's Theater, which would have sent me on the way in that profession, but my front money never came through and the Concert Promoter dream died.
Instead, I worked in production for Clear Channel, hanging out with rock stars at the 6 Flags Amphitheater outside of Buffalo for 5 years.
My thirties was about growing and learning every and anything I could about life, the world, and trying to discover all of life's secrets.

I was at a concert for a band called Donna The Buffalo, a jam band from the Ithaca area, that I really dug a lot! I was stoned, dancing and losing myself when a friend of mine confirmed how much I loved that band and then shook his head, questioning "But you listen to Death Metal!"
That one statement described the vast, multi-layered person I had become. My thirties were just an extension of my twenties and towards the end, while down at one of my shows in the city of Buffalo, someone began a game guessing my age. The average answer was 28!
I lived in a great apartment in the greatest neighborhood in Buffalo (North Buffalo on the Hertel Strip), I was financially sound and my future looked great.
I couldn't be more pleased.

My forties rang in with the birth of my first child. My life took another hard turn.
All of a sudden, things began going wrong. I lost the bar tending job that I loved, because the owner wanted the girl he cheated on his wife with to have my coveted Saturday nights.
I started and lost my own trucking business. A cop in Tonanwanda targeted me and wrote me bunches of bunk speeding tickets, costing me my license (Which I still haven't gotten back) and my livelihood. My kid's mother and I were at each other's throats. I took on roommates, who fucked up my way of life. I lost my cool apartment and everything I owned.

You now those records you still have from when you were a kid? GONE! The furniture you collected? GONE! The clothes you still had from when you were a kid that you can't throw out? GONE! Awards. GONE! My Dad's stuff I got when he died, my Army medals, TV, steroe, computers, PA System, bedding, everything... .GONE!!!
And Bridget, too, lost about everything. As did my infant daughter.

Having lost my license, and needing to maintain that type of income I was used to, I learned how to sell Home Improvements. At first, I couldn't sell. I became depressed, and then, just as I worked my way up to the top of my office, I was forced to pick up and move to Peoria, IL.

Since I've been here, we've struggled, bad. I had to learn telemarketing, selling advertising. I hated it, but I excelled at it, working my way up to the top of the office in sales.
When a better opportunity presented itself, I jumped on it, worked my way into the Layout Department as a Graphic Designer and was starting to feel happy again, when that fell apart.
Now, I'm making ten fucking dollars an hour, as a graphic designer, the going rate in this shit-hole town, but some things still remain.
I have two little girls and my kid's mother and I are still at each other's throats, but we strive to make things work out, and provide the kind've love to our children that we both feel we lacked, growing up.

First, I feel optimistic again for the first time in some years, like something big is going to happen. The same way I felt through my twenties and thirties. That greatness may not have eluded me after all.

And I'm still 25.
When we can get away with playing music in the office, we take turns, and for me, it's always extremely heavy metal. I still headbang and thrash.
Another designer, he's 22, listens to classic rock.
I can't get across to him how repetitive that is to me, having listened to it for over 30 years.
The other designer, she's a biker, and listens to classic rock, too.

But me, I'm still 25, in a mosh pit, losing myself to the savage beat.

I look to the future and in it, I still see myself the same at 55, 65, 75....
Eternally young, and insistent on never giving in.
My hair flying to the heaviest music, lost in the thrash.

I'm going to be 45 this year?
No fucking way!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Whatever Happened To The Unwritten Rules?

I will freely admit that I like do some things that many people may not agree with.
Not habitually, but recreationally, I like to smoke pot, and drink Jack Daniels. I'll have a beer on occasion and if I have the money and the access to some good cocaine, I will gladly indulge.
That's about as far as it goes. It's not often that I ever get to have any of these, because, let's face it, it costs money, and I have none. But even if finances were not an issue, I still would keep it to a minimum, just because that's how I prefer it.

Now, I'm not sure if this is a generational thing, a regional thing, or a cultural thing, but I'm gonna guess it's probably not generational, since before I moved here, I saw how the younger generation respectfully followed these age old traditions.

I have a major complaint and source of frustration: People who do not share.

Before I moved to Peoria, I never had this problem, but since I moved here, it's glaring. People here do not share.

In my time, before you buy the car, you test drive it. Same with drugs. You always share a sample between the dealing parties before the deal is done. It's good business, it's polite and it's tradition.
Mi casa, su casa.
It's going to a different place together where you can reasonably agree on the deal that you are about to make, with an informed, educated decision.

But this doesn't just apply to buying and selling.
It applies in social gatherings as well.
If I have weed, and you have weed, we're gonna take turns sharing our weed.
If I'm with a group of people and I'm the only person holding, we're all getting stoned. If I have beer, we're all drinking. If I have blow, we're all gonna be rolling a bill up. No questions asked. No expectations. No hang-ups and no ill feelings.
That's how it has always been... Until I moved here
The number of times I've been in a group setting, or in a car, or a conversation with someone, who'll inevitably pull out their stash, pack a hitter, fire it up, then put it all away without a single glance in my direction, with no offer to share or no explanation why none was made is glaringly obvious.
And it happens ALL the time.
Especially in situations where sharing would totally just happen, without question.
Sitting in a car with someone, and they pack a bowl or a hitter or light a joint and smoke it without even asking you if you want a hit is insanely rude. It's totally rude and it's just never done that way. except here.

Now, I understand, some straight people are reading this shaking their heads and making misguided judgments, but there is a drug sub-culture, with it's own set of by-laws, mostly unwritten, traditions, and expectations that is as real and valid as any other sub-culture we come in contact with.

Just one more reason why I hate Peoria.....

Monday, May 25, 2009

Spinning My Wheels.

Yes, two posts in one day.
One, positive and upbeat, the other, back to reality.
In other words, not everything has been roses.
Last month, Bridget had a miscarriage, which devastated us both. Although, the pregnancy was unplanned and admittedly not the best timing, it was still a life we created, and the loss hit us both very hard.
Out of that, we decided to try and make our relationship work again.
Let me be real honest here, because that's why I started his blog. So I could put down my feelings and thoughts, without the sugar-coating and see if any sense can be made from those words. Or, if any answers can be found.
There is no fixing my relationship with Bridget. It is not possible, because in my view, that would mean compromises. And with Bridget, there are none.
Bridget's idea of fixing things is me doing everything her way, all the time. It's jumping, when she snaps her fingers. It's all about making her happy, and there truly is no making her happy, because she will always find the dark cloud behind the silver lining.
Perfect example: I am a Ghost Hunter. My group conducts scientific research into places that may be haunted. It is as harmless as can be. We don't drink. We don't do drugs. We don't flirt or co-mingle. But we do spend late hours on an investigation.
The most recent, I was home at 3 in the morning, which is realistically, pretty early. Of course, Bridget snapped, and even went so far as to say that she will never let me go again.
Let me go? LET??
DO you see why I cannot function when I'm with her?
I am a free spirit, who feels like a bird in a cage. I need to spread my wings and soar, occasionally, but with her, it never happens.
Why? One reason is that other than our kids, we really have little in common.
There is a camping trip coming up. I'll never be able to just go, without a LOT of headaches, accusations, demands, etc, until it gets to the point that I'll just not go.
On top of that, I've been paying a lot of attention to Bridget. Who she is. How she is and I realize that I just don't really like her.
She talks about herself, constantly. We never have conversations.
When she is talking, she never stops talking and no one can get a word in.
She has no consideration for anyone else, and then wonders why she's rarely shown any in return.
Everything is always about her and let's face it, that includes sex, which makes sex into something that I'm never interested in, because it is so one sided.
I'm a sexual being. But I like to get as much as I give, and I have very little incentive to make it good for her, because it's never good for me.
Add to that,the constant barrage of insults, accusations, put downs and demands that endlessly stream from her mouth and I start closing her out, until it comes to a head.
Now, I quit smoking ,and she promises to quit drinking, but last night, she was out of control and things got mildly physical.
I tweaked her nose with my finger, followed by her punching me in the head 3 times, followed by me grabbing her by the arms and putting her in the recliner wit ha warning of how close to losing control she was making me followed by her attacking the laptop, and then telling me how I beat my girlfriend, mixed in with more insults, more ultimatums and some made up plans to leave for the night, which never happened.
That is not me. I'm supposed to be a very calm, laid back person, who has been pushed to fits of insane rage by this person, over and over.

Everything is telling me to leave, to go live my life, to find people that like me and that I like in return, but I cannot, because of two reasons.
One, my kids. I can't be away from them nor can leave them to be trapped in her influences and two, I don't have the money to leave. OR to pay the child support. Or the lawyer it'll take to figure out the child support.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place.....
Where I've been since I met Bridget.

Changes In The Garden Of HipKat

I hate it when so much time passes by and I haven't updated my blog.
I guess life can get to be such a whirlwind and the last few months, as usual, have been no exception.
On the upside, spring is finally here, or has been for a few weeks now, and I'm so happy. I despise the cold with all my being. Truly, I hate it.
So, with the advent of spring, we planted out first ever vegetable garden - with mixed results.
Tomatoes, Broccoli, @ Cauliflower all went in as plants and are thriving. The Broccoli is budding and the Tomatoes are blooming. The Cauliflower looks very good, too.
But the seeds I planted, Carrots, Radishes, different Bell Peppers, Pumpkins and Watermelon all became victims of the torrential downpours we've had, so Saturday,. I reseeded everything, and I'm feeling pretty optimistic.

Something else new, I planted my first ever flower garden in the flower bed in front of the house.
What a mess that was, cleaning and weeding it out, but it looks real nice, and I seeded it with some amazingly beautiful plants. I wish I could remember all the names, but I really have no idea.

All of this gardening has had me wondering, do plants have consciousness?

Friday, February 20, 2009

Showing My Hand On Unemployment

Posted for your consideration and opinion, is my story and the details of how I'm appealing the decision by the Illinois Department of Employment Security's decision to deny my benefits, two months into my receiving them. It's a long read, but well worth it.

Originally, I was getting unemployment, just fine, after I got fired in September. Then in November, my old boss, Matt, called them and told them I was self-employed, which I wasn't. I was working part time.
So they did a phone hearing and in the process, asked me to fax in the work search history I had done to date.
I sent them 9 interviews in 10 weeks, plus listed daily newspaper and internet job site searches.
Well, they denied me, claiming that I was self 0-employed and wasn't doing an active enough search for work.
So I appealed.
A month later, in December, I had a phone hearing with an Administrative judge from Chicago, who went over my job search and asked about my part time job.
Well, he denied me, saying I wasn't doing an active enough job search, so I went online and researched all the regulations and found out a few things.
1, there is no definable number of how many jobs you are supposed to try for per week.
2, they have to take certain things into consideration, including my training and experience (They cannot make me go from being a graphic designer to a burger flipper), what I'm used to making (They can't make me take a minimum wage job, when I was used to making a lot more), the current job situation and availability of jobs that are within my experience and wage AND that job search assistance services ARE considered part of an active job search.
So I appealed the judge's decision based on the above points, and detailed them all in my appeal.
I had a phone hearing last Wednesday with the director of the local office, who wanted my job search history for Nov 9th to Present and I sent in like 5 jobs, plus the internet and paper. Keep in mind that Christmas Week and New Years Week, finding a job would have been about impossible, with most offices closed most of that time.
And SHE denied me, I found out today, for the period of 11/9 to present for not an active job search.
Well, I KNOW they did not make an educated decision, because she didn't include the period prior to 11/9, which is exactly WHAT I was appealing in the 1st place and obviously ignored the code that backs my case up.

Here is my Appeal:

Hearing held by telephone on 01/07/2009 at 11:00AM by Kathy Steinseifer, E. S. Service Representative, Peoria, IL

All instances of Claimant will refer to Gregory J. Hansen, SSN xxx-xx-xxxx

Claimant was denied Unemployment Benefits due to “an unrealistic and independent search for suitable work” and was found ineligible for benefits.
Referred to Section 500C of the Illinois Unemployment Insurance Act.
Research by the claimant of The Illinois Unemployment Insurance Act, Section 500C which defines eligibility based on an individual actively seeking work and refers to 56 Illinois Administrative Code 2865.125.

1. In the application process, an individual filing for unemployment is not ever advised on how many job searches per week the applicant is expected to perform.
2. Nowhere in the Illinois Unemployment Act, nor the Illinois Administrative Code, does it define the number of job searches an individual claiming unemployment is expected to perform.
3. Upon direct questioning of various employees of The Department of Unemployment Security, no one was able to give a direct answer to the question of how many job searches are required by any individual claiming unemployment benefits. Typical responses were “enough to show an active and reasonable effort to find employment.”
4. The term “reasonable” is not defined in the Illinois Administrative Code or The Illinois Unemployment Insurance Act.
Upon researching the Illinois Unemployment Insurance Act and The Illinois Administrative Code as it pertains to Unemployment, the following discoveries were made in regards to the criteria used to determine if an applicant for unemployment insurance is eligible for benefits and actively searching for work:

1. According to The Illinois Unemployment Act, Part XI, Section 500:
An unemployed individual is eligible for benefits for a week only if:
a. He has registered for work and reports at regular intervals in person, by mail or by telephone at an Illinois Department of Employment Security office as required by the Director. (Section 500A and 56 Ill. Adm. Code 2865.125(a)(1)).
b. He has made a claim for benefits at the local Department of Employment Security office serving the area in which he lives. (Section 500B and 56 Ill. Adm. Code 2720.100)

3. During the week, he is able to work, available for work and actively seeking work. (Section 500C and 56 Ill. Adm. Code 2865.125)

An individual is presumed to be unavailable for work if:
a. After his separation from his most recent work, he has moved to and remains in a locality where job opportunities for him are substantially less favorable than those in the locality he has left. (Section 500C3)
b. His principal occupation is that of a student in attendance at, or on vacation from, a public or private school.

However, an individual enrolled in and attending a Department approved training course may, under specified conditions, be considered available for work. Such an individual will not be required to seek work and will not be disqualified under Section 603 for work refusal.(Sections 500C4 and 5)

The Above Section, in Italics, Does Not Apply In This Instance Since The Claimant Has Not Relocated Nor Is The Claimant A Student.

4. During the week, he has participated in reemployment services to which he has been referred, including but not limited to job search assistance services.
5. He has served a non-compensable waiting period of one week in which he has met all the eligibility requirements. (Section500D)

Claimant has asked if paragraph 4, as it relates to reemployment services, would include newspaper and internet search sites and was told that they “should” qualify.
Claimant listed daily searches of the Peoria Journal Star,,,, and in the work search history that was submitted, upon request, to the local Unemployment office. Claimant has been led to believe that these should count as an additional 35 active job searches per week, based on the information given by various agents of The Department of Unemployment Security.

The Illinois Unemployment Insurance Act, Part XI, Section 500 goes on to say:
The Department shall consider the following in evaluating the adequacy of an individual’s work search (56 III. Adm. Code 2865.125):
1. The individual’s physical and mental abilities.
2. The individual’s training and experience.
3. The employment opportunities in the area.
4. The length of the claimant’s unemployment.
5. The nature and number of the claimant’s work search efforts.
6. The customary means of seeking employment in the occupation(s) in which the claimant seeks employment.
7. Any other information that would affect the claimant’s work search.

Paragraph 2 states that The Department of Unemployment Security must take into account the claimant’s training and experience, which is in Advertising Sales and Graphic Design. Therefore, The Department of Unemployment Security, by regulation, cannot demand that an applicant look for work outside of his training and experience.
Paragraph 3 reads that The Department of Unemployment Security must, by regulation, consider the employment opportunities in the area. In the course of the phone interview conducted on 01/07/2009, the representative of The Department of Unemployment Security admitted that job opportunities in the Peoria, IL area are bleak. The average rate of unemployment in the Peoria, IL area at the time of the interview, according to statistics, was at or above 10%, which is substantially higher than the national average.

In accordance with Paragraph 6, claimant has used email, telephone and in person visits to search for and apply for gainful employment.
Claimant listed multiple attempts to secure employment in those fields in the work search history that apply to his work experience and training, as submitted upon request to The Department of Unemployment Security.
Claimant has also stated that the lack of a current driver’s license and reliable transportation, and that his reliance on public transportation limits the job search process, which should not count against the claimant.

Also, The Illinois Unemployment Act, Part XI, Section 500 goes on to read that benefits shall not be denied if:

No work shall be deemed suitable and benefits shall not be denied to any otherwise eligible individual for refusing to accept new work under any of the following conditions:
1. If the position offered is vacant due directly to a strike, lockout, or other labor dispute;
2. If the wages, hours, or other conditions of the work offered are substantially less favorable to the individual than those prevailing for similar work in the locality;
3. If, as a condition of being employed, the individual would be required to join a company union or to resign from or refrain from joining any bona fide labor organization;
4. If the position offered is a transfer to other work offered to the individual by the employing unit under the terms of a collective bargaining agreement or pursuant to an established employer plan, program, or policy, when the acceptance of such other work by the individual would require the separation from that work of another individual currently performing it.

Paragraph 2 refers to wages, hours or other conditions offered. Claimant’s last job, at United Metro Works, in Peoria, IL paid the claimant $14.00 an hour and provided full time employment. By regulation, a claimant cannot be forced to accept work that pays substantially less than his most current work experience, or what is “favorable to the individual”, which should include his current rate of Unemployment Benefits. The purpose of Unemployment Insurance is to provide a weekly payment that is commensurate to the applicant’s most recent earnings, as certified by his work and earnings history, and to provide ample time and opportunity to secure new employment that, as shown in paragraph 2, as being “favorable to the individual”. Therefore, it goes against the regulations, as shown, to demand that an individual accept a noticeably lower paying job, outside of the individual’s work experience and training, just to “get off of Unemployment”, a statement made to the claimant during the appeals process.
Claimant has continued to make periodic certifications for benefits throughout the course of this process, as required.

Unemployment Insurance is an earned benefit provided to workers who are unemployed due to no fault of their own, so that they can maintain a financial income, until gainful employment is secured, with a limit of 26 weeks.
Because of these repeated denials; the claimant has been unable to maintain his financial obligations, nor provide for his family in the means accustomed to and afforded by his prior work experience. This has also cause emotional duress and family strife, stress and depression within the claimant’s household.
Claimant has been forced to sign up for food stamps, emergency utility assistance and other aid as provided by State agencies, which is an added financial expense to the state and is a source of embarrassment and ridicule within the claimant’s family and peers, which goes directly against the purpose of Unemployment Benefits..
Claimant has also been forced to take immediate work at a noticeably lower wage than his recent earnings history, outside of his most recent work experience, in an effort to secure any income at all, which goes against the purpose of Unemployment Insurance Benefits. The job entails selling specialty advertising to businesses nationwide and pays commission upon collection of any sales made, which is incredibly difficult, given today’s economy and the claimant is currently being paid off of a draw system.
The Denial is for the period of 11/09/2008 through 01/13/2009. The original appeal and the original denial were for the period of 08/31/2008 through 01/13/2009. The original appeal also quoted most of what has been presented here, but little of that was discussed in the phone interview, held on 01/07/2009. This oversight seems to imply that a hasty decision was rendered to deny benefits, based on opinion and not on the regulations as stated in The Illinois Unemployment Insurance Act.
It is not acceptable to expect an applicant for unemployment to live upi standards that cannot be defined since they do not exist.

Claimant requests that, because he has lived up to the expectations as outlined in the Illinois Unemployment Insurance Act, and, because there are no guidelines defining how many job searches per week are required, and, because the decision to deny has been made hastily based on opinion and not regulation, and, based on the above listed findings, the decision to DENY be overturned and that claim for Unemployment Insurance Benefits be APPROVED, effective immediately, and, the debt for the amount paid to the claimant since 08/31/2008 that was requested to be returned to The Department Of Unemployment Security be forgiven, and all benefits upheld since 11/09/2008 be paid immediately.
Claimant requests that this appeal be expedited, due to extreme financial hardship.
Gregory J Hansen, Claimant.

Thursday, February 19, 2009


Just a short note, before I go on my rant about the Illinois Department of Employment Security.
If you don't know, I was un-surreptitiously fired form a job I loved as the manager of the Layout and Design department at United Metro Works back in February.
The claim made to Unemployment, and never substantiated, was that I was making racist comments around the office, something that never happened, and because my boss, Matt had lied about why he fired me, I was granted Unemployment Benefits.
2 months later, Matt called Unemployment and lied again, claiming that I was self-employed.
In a nut shell, I've had an ongoing case with them trying to reclaim my benefits, which I'll go into detail about in another post.

Today, Karma intervened. Matt and his equally vile wife were awakened at 7:30 this morning by the Police under orders of the Attorney General's office and were placed under arrest.
His house was searched, his employees were also arrested, his offices were searched and computers, files, etc all confiscated. The phone lines were cut, and the building sealed.
Why?? Because Matt, it seems, likes to use clients credit cards to spend at will on everything from his own bills to food for the office, to parties, etc.
The IRS is investigating him, and the lawsuits are lining up.
Hooray for Karma!!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Tragedy Outside of Buffalo, NY

I don't know why I waited so long to post anything on this. The plane crash Thursday night, near Buffalo really hit me hard.
First, it was within a mile of my Mother's house. Slightly further to my Brother's.
It's a neighborhood that I know people in, although I did not know the people in the house that was destroyed in the crash.
Perhaps, it's the fact that it was close to home that affects me. That people there are so closely knit and that everyone will be affected on some level.
Maybe it's because I'm not there to grieve with my fellow Buffalonians that makes me feel so empty.
Or that I have driven up and down that road, so many times, that I can picture the houses , the landscape, where that road goes to...

I know that plane only had a few hundred yards to go and it would have been in a corn field, and the irony of that makes me wonder why one house could be pinpointed to be a target for the fiery deaths of so many people, many of whom are very important to their peer groups. I mean above and beyond being family members.

The city is shaken by this, I know. The Buffalo Sabres played the following night, a game that they could have postponed, and turned in a spirited effort in defeating one of the best teams in the NHL, and for a few hours, the city was able to be together, joined by one of Buffalo's best features: The sense of community our sports teams provides.

I'm sorry for the loss of life there, and I pray that this tragic event can be quickly put behind us as we move forward in our own lives.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Missing in Action??

Wow, I didn't realize that it's been three months since I wrote anything. It used to be everyday.
I guess that's how it goes with these things. Very few can commit to it on a daily basis.
So, here we are. A new year. I gotta say, 2008, good fucking riddance. It was the worst year ever. I never suffered more heart ache, financial loss, and day to day misery in one year in my life. It started GREAT, when the baby was born, but right after, it crashed and burned, and Bridget is in the center of all of it. Her affairs, her drinking, her selfishness, it's gotten to where I believe she is certifiably crazy. She has no concept of the world around her, because she's lost in her own fantasy world, where she is the center of attention, the hottest, most talented, smartest and most deserving person there is.
Here's Bridget's life, in a nutshell. She wakes up, with the kids, at about 10 AM, then spends the day on the couch, doing as little as possible until I get home. By then,the baby has only eaten once. Bridget is still on the couch, where she'll stay until the kids go to bed. Then she jumps online and MySpace's for awhile, takes a shower and then she's up, all night, talking to one of the two online relationships she's had going on.
On weekends, she does nothing. I do it all.
Harsh statement: If I woke up to find her gone or that she had died in her sleep, it would be nothing but a relief. She's a monster, a leech and contributes nothing to this planet.

Then, to top it off, we were so poor at the end of the year, people were donating FOOD to us!.

That's behind me how. I'm coming into 2009 with alot more optimism. And I may have regressed a little in '08. Back to where I let people push me with out pushing back.
In 2009, I made on resolution. No more. I'm not standing for it. It's my way, or the highway, even if I'm the one that has to get on it. If you are not with me, or behind me, then I have no use for you.

In other news.....
I did finally get a new job. It doesn't pay alot, but it's full time, and right now, the economy is Peoria, is horrible. Any jobs, are far and few between, and no one is paying good money to start anywhere, because people are so desperate to work, they'll take what ever they can get.
But the guy I work for, is a good guy. I like the offices (he has several companies, and I work between different offices as a graphic Designer/Sales person), I like the people that work for him and you can tell, he takes care of the people that are loyal to him.
Still, a ticket out of Peoria is at the top of my wish list. Nothing against the people, but I cannot raise my kids here in a bad school district and be broke all the time.

I have taxes coming up, which is going to be huge this year, in paying bills, and getting the things I need, like my license back, for one and I have another appeal with unemployment soon, which is several thousands of dollars in my pocket, should I win, which I should, so financially, things are looking up.

SO fuck off and die, 2008, I won't miss you, but I did learn a few lessons: Take care of yourself, because no one is going to take care of you, for you.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

And Now, A Sigh Of Relief....

It was about 10:15 or so, while watching the webcast from CBS News, after an hour of trying to switch back and forth between them and the Fox webcast, that Katie Couric proclaimed "This is a CBS News breaking story. With victories in California, Oregon and Washington State, CBS is now projecting Illinois Senator Barack Obama as the winner of the 2008 Presidential Election...." and the tears started to fall.
Bridget was crying too, but I remember the feeling of elation that came over me. I spent so much time working for and debating for the Obama campaign, that it almost felt like a close relative had won, or that I had won.

In a way, I had. We all have. Now I'm not going to jade myself into taking every bit of Obama's campaign promises at face value, but it's not about the promise of free health care, tax cuts, or the end of a war that I've vehemently been against.
It's about the message. The reminder that America is a country by the people as much as it is for the people and it takes all of the people to make it all work.

I think too many of us have become dependent on the government sponsored free ride and have turned a blind eye to the fact that we are slowly being enslaved.
The message is that together, we can make the American Dream that our founders foresaw a reality. By paying attention to each other, by taking care of the little things and by not allowing ourselves to be ruled by fear and oppression, we can be that America that we all dream of, but few have realized.

Barack Obama, to me, is inspiration, like I saw in film clips of John F Kennedy, Martin Luther King, and others that were able to have people hang on their every word.
From the first word that comes out of his mouth, I am paying attention.

Will the United States be some Utopian society in four years? I doubt it. There will still be countries that hate us, and some that adore us. There will still be people that are homeless and impoverished. There will still be debt. But above all of that, I believe that there will be hope. And hope is it takes to make anything happen.

I remember the Clinton years, when people made less money, but had more. I remember that there was a general good feeling about life in general and I miss that so much, that I will do whatever I need to see that come back. I have been inspired by Yes, We Can, and am committed to turn that into, Yes! I Will!

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Vote For Change

Tuesday, November 4th is one of the most monumental Presidential Elections in many years. Fighting two wars, the economy in turmoil, escalating debt, job loss, wages going down, costs going up, and a country in a civil war between Conservatives and Liberals.
I cannot tell you who to vote for, but if nothing else, please, just go vote!! 527 votes decided the 2000 election, so yes, every vote counts.

Please, take into account everything we've seen and heard over the last months. Both Candidates have their good and bad points, as would be expected, but in this election, radical change is what is needed.
Neither candidate’s promises are set in stone, until they become approved by Congress and signed. And both candidate’s promises will most likely be somewhat different in structure when and if they are seen through. I believe, and his record shows, that a vote for John McCain is a continuation of what we've seen in recent years. No matter what he promises, his policies are still not that different from the current administration.

Obama is untested and many feel his inexperience could lead to poor decision making.
McCain has been the subject of a lot of talk about his health and his record, when voting with the current administration.

Obama's promises have been questioned. Obama has been so overly scrutinized, more so than any candidate in my memory, which is typical of Conservatives, yet has still managed to lead in the polls. McCain's promises are very suspect, but in light of all the finger pointing towards Obama, he has flown under the radar, using Governor Palin as someone to take the mudraking that should have been pointed at him..
Polls aside, only one man can affect the type of radical change this country needs. Making a commitment to changing your life in a radical way is extremely difficult, yet almost always reaps rewards, and I believe that Barack Obama is the candidate that can and will affect that change.

No one can say that the last eight years have been satisfying or that their lives, overall, are better now than in 2000. Wouldn't it be something to have less to complain about and more to look forward to? Wouldn't it be something to know that the rest of the world looks upon us with admiration again, instead of fear and disgust? Wouldn't it be something if every man, woman and child was able to walk into a hospital and receive the treatment they require and not have to worry about how to pay or if they can even receive treatment, because they are not insured? Wouldn't it be something if our children's education became a forefront of our lives and our country's education system was held in regard instead of contempt?
John McCain IS a continuation of the type of government we've seen and grown accustomed to.

We've all said that it would be great if a President wasn't a spoon fed politician, but one of us. One of the guys. One of the people that have been where we are, struggling, from a broken home, underprivileged. Someone that worked their way up and became a President FOR the people, for a change, and not for the lobbyists. Someone who has the same ideals, goals, dreams and imperfections as the rest of us.
Barack Obama is that candidate. PLEASE, I'm begging you to look past the rhetoric and into the core of what this country needs and deserves. Look past your misgivings and fears. Look past your hang-ups and boundaries and take a leap of faith. Look past your party affiliation and look at the individual that can lead this country out of the hole it's dug itself into.

On November 4th, Vote for us, We, The People. Vote for a better place to raise our children. A better country to wake up to every morning. A future that is filled with hopeful expectation and not uncertainty. A nation that is striving to grow and excel, not trudge through day to day depression and listlessness. A nation of people who are working together to make all of our lives better. A stronger nation, where the weakest link isn’t as weak as we’re seeing today.
On November 4th, please, take time to vote and please, Vote for Barack Obama!!!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Of Civil Wars

Seems like conflict is all around me these days, and while much of it still comes from my inner need to sound off about bullshit, a lot of it stems from the world we live in.
This election, for one, has been a cause of serious "bad blood" between people who were, if nothing else, at least civil to each other.
I'm seeing a War Between The Roses, as each side belts out why they are voting for one, or why they are not voting for the other.
I'm a staunch, die-hard Barack Obama supporter, and I've gotten so caught up in this fight, that sometimes, it's just hard not to take a swing whenever the opportunity is there. And I've taken my share in return, too.

For me, I believe Obama represents the voice that is screaming for a radical change in this country and McCain represents the same thing we've had, which has sent this country down the tubes.
Obama may not have a lot of experience, but McCain and Palin are surrounded by controversy and poor decision making.
McCain's advanced age worries me, both for his ability to remain physically healthy and his chances of declining mental skills.
Palin is a joke.
Obama's platform matches my way of thinking more so than McCain's.
Obama actually put some thought into his choice of a running mate by selecting someone with a lot of experience and can provide guidance in the area he lacks the most; Foreign policy.
Palin brings nothing to the White House, other than a pretty face. McCain may as well have picked Paris Hilton.
Republicans = Capitalism and Communism and favorable breaks for the people who deserve them the least; Rich People.
Obama identifies with the generation that covers the largest segment of the population: Mine.

Now that we're entering the stretch run, I guess it's all going to come down to what happens on November 4th, but in the meantime, I find myself still feeling incredulously curious as to how anyone could be supporting McCain.
Does he make some good points and have good ideas? Well sure.
On the other hand, are some of Obama's ideas a little bit suspect? Of course they are. No candidate could ever have all the answers.
But this country needs shock treatment right now, not a warm compress and a Band-Aid. McCain still represents the status quo and that's the bottom line. Status Quo = Same ol', same ol'.

In other news, somewhat related, seems certain people have again shown themselves for who they truly are.
Controversy surrounds me, being as outspoken as I am, and when people can't handle the truth, due to their thin skins, I have no remorse over telling it to them.
If someone, a perceived friend, is doing something you find offensive, in this case an avatar of the kid pissing on Obama, an anti-Obama symbol, not pro-McCain, and you ask kindly to take it down, as you see it as offensive, and the retort is a smart-ass remark, followed by a pack of lies, which are shown to be lies, but then repeatedly flung back in your face, I believe that I have every right to speak out. Well, that happened recently and in doing so, I find myself ostracized from a segment of a local online forum. A segment so cliquey (which I loathe) and so frightful of anyone telling the world what superficial chumps they are, blinded by their need to be upheld as social icons, that they just try to recruit people to defend their shameful honor and, in a pack mentality, separate me from their ballpark. Albeit, briefly, the effects will be long lasting, I promise.

Since it's Sunday, I'll finish with a resounding "Go Bills!!"

Friday, September 26, 2008

Hello. Welcome To My Hell

Alot of people have been asking me why I've been so irritable lately. Distant and snide. Even angry.
Maybe part of it is the situation I've been in. But that's not the real reason, it's just a reflection of it.

I look around and I realize that we live in a country whose citizens have been misled. We've been conquered and oppressed by a omnipresent government that has us in fear and keeps us demoralized. 

We're supposed to be a Democracy, but a Democracy's basic philosophy is that when you have the power, you use it to help the people in your community that cannot help themselves.
That was the basis of the constitution that was written by people who fought a revolution against England, whom we are taught that we escaped from.

We're taught that we live in the greatest nation on earth. But we don't. We're far from the worst, but we're not the best. People in England live a higher standard of life, have a national health care plan and live longer than we do on average.

We're taught that in Cuba, the people are slaves to the government, but they have a higher rate of health care than we do, much higher. Ours is one of the worst.  We have a higher infant mortality rate.

We all hate those cowards in France, where they have a higher standard of living, better education, free health care and they live longer than us, on an unhealthier diet. Where protest against the government is encouraged. And the government is responsive.

Chrisitianity is hypocritical to me, not because of the fairy tales, but because the basic fundamentals of the Bible and of Christianity is to help your brother. Let him lean on you, when he's weak. Care for your fellow man. But few follow that.

It's easy to be blind to it. You don't need to make alot of money. When I was trucking, I made 30 to 40 thousand a year. Not great, but I had insurance, I paid my bills, I drove a nice car, I partied on the weekends and I ate out or ordered in most of my meals. I was blind to it.

Now, I'm broke. I made 193 dollars last week and 125 this week, but I'm not complaining about that. Thank God for unemployment. Bridget and I are living together because it gives us the best and only chance at meeting the economical needs of our family.
I'm a victim of the world I live in. My best age of awareness is the last ten years, where I have seen this country go to hell. I watch the things that are happening and I cannot believe my eyes. I don't have insurance, which means that if something terrible happened to me, I'm dead.
The fallicy is that they HAVE to take care of me, but I can't pay hospital bills. I have no insurance.

This country is a run away train, and I cannot belive that every man and woman isn't demanding change.
Other than Bridget, a few on here and other places, I'm the most passionate person I know, regarding the impending impact of when we hit rock bottom and I Cannot understand why everybody is not marching in the streets, making a stand, demanding better from our leaders. I certainly cannot understand why anyone would support someone that does not have a plan for change. Or even a cry for it.

Every sense I have tells me that electing John McCain will be the biggest mistake this country could make. Perhaps Obama isn't a senior senator with a life's history of serving in Washington. Perhaps Obama's confidence is seen as elitism by the brainwashed, but Obama is the only chance between the two for change.
I know this in my heart and I know that John McCain is one big red flag that people are too blinded by their fear of standing up to see.

I'm not posting this to start another of the endless fights that are occuring in the Civil War, raging between Liberals and Conservatives. I only know through life experiences that a Conservative President, especially now. is nothing but bad for the people of this country that is ruled by greed and corruption.
There are two great scams in this country that we are taken in by, and that is the system of money & taxation and the Health Insurance Industry, and I do not trust a man that has 18 houses, a private jet and a collection cars over a man that has one house, one car and a bicycle, and my angst at the people who are ready to lay down and keep taking it by the policies that have destroyed our spirit and our freedom is growing deeper everyday.

I am not ignorant to the methods of government and the way things happen. I sickened by it

Friday, September 12, 2008

The Bucket List

I often realize, in a moment of clarity, what a hypocrite I can be. I think I have it all straight and then I realize that I let myself get off track, and it frightens me how easily and unnoticed that it happens.
I saw commercials for the bucket list, when it was first released to theaters. But I didn't have much ambition to go see it, nor even thought much about the movie. Just another wacky comedy, but with two legends in the lead roles.
But I just watched it with Bridget and it got me thinking. I'm so terrified of my own death, and yet I always curse my life. I've been thinking that I had been cursed, with everything going on lately, and I think it may have been me that I was cursed by in the first place, from letting myself be blinded.
The Bucket list is about two men in their last months, who become friends after sharing a hospital room. As a last gesture at living life, they compile a list of things they need to do before they die, and off they go on a wonderful adventure..
I won't give too many details, but each man saves the other in some way, and at the end, their time together was the best in their lives.
I loved the ending.
But now, I'm sitting here, thinking about my last days when they come. Fortunately, I'm still young enough to believe that it's a long way off, and probably will never come for me anyhow.
At least, hopefully, not before I can achieve enough realization to not lose sight of myself anymore.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Past Lives

You know, in my past life, I must have been a real asshole, on Hitler level and this time around, is the punishment, because short of going to jail, nothing good has been happening, and everything bad that can happen, is. I've been a shining example of Murphy's Law; Anything that can happen will, and in my case, that's true if it's bad.

In June, I told my landlord that the next few months were going to be rough and that rent was going to be late, most likely over that period, and have to be paid in payments. He accepted that, we shook on it, and I have kept to that, having kept it to where I'm only half a month behind.
In mid-August, I laid out my plan to be completely caught up by the end of September, which he again agreed to, and now, all of a sudden he dumps this unreadable spreadsheet in my lap accusing me of owing him more than $1600.00! A far cry from the $890,00, which I can prove via receipts and cashed checks.
So I email this proof to him, along with a reminder of our agreements and include another agreement the property manager he employed at the time made with us on giving us a half month's break on the rent, because this place was filthy, dirty and bug infested when we moved in which we cleaned at our own expense.
In essence, with that credit applied, I owe him $25.oo, plus the month of September, which would actually be covered by our security deposit. I've asked him to use that deposit if he needs the money and I'll replace it, which would make us current.

Here was his response:


I am following through with the eviction. It is already in the hands of my attorney Troy Roberts. I am finished with you as a tenant, Even if you come up with the amount owed on the balance sheet we will ask the Judge for a Forcible Entry and Detainer order and we will get the order. You are out. If you are out of the house prior to being served you can save yourself the expenses of court cost, service and my attorney's fees. Otherwise those expenses will be added to the judgment against you. Perhaps you should spend a few hundred dollars with your own attorney and have him of her explain the situation. In 20 years and a lot of evictions I have never lost in court. The judge will give you 7 to 14 days to get out, If your still there after the order date we will have a deputy stand by while Roger and his crew set your stuff on the curb.

Nothing like plying yourself on a guy's sense of morality, or humanity. I mean, I have babies, for crying out loud, and I've been pouring money into this guys pocket on a weekly basis for the last few months. Is he in his rights to dothis? Well, sure, I owe him money, but c'mon. It's not like I'm months behind. Or habitually late. I hit a rough spot and let him know from the beginning. He made agrements with me and now he's backing out. My fault for not getting them in writing, but I'm old school. I believe a person's word is binding. My mistake.

Making it worse, I lost my damn job, suddenly last week and am starting a new one this week, which is a financial blip, at the worst possible time.

So who was it, Hitler?? Atilla the Hun?? Was I guy that crucified Christ? Jack the Ripper??

Whoever it was, I must have been a real son of a bitch, in another time who fucked people over often, because right now, I'm totally fucked.

To who or whatever it is that's running this big show "I've had ENOUGH!"

Just a side note, I had to break down and employ a touch of censorship to stem the tide of scum bag losers that insist on making anonymous comments, so now you have to be registered to comment. I apologize, but certain assholes force you to make changes.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Labor Day Weekend Fun

Ahh, friends. I love my friends and this weekend, we had a blast together.
Friday night started off with a Birthday party for MsGem, our adopted group mom, at Uno's, downtown. What a blast as a bunch of people attended and we all ate drank and laughed for four hours in a private banquet room.
The highlight of the evening was the entertainment, when I got conned, err, bribed with free Guinness, to be the stripper! Tear off t-shirt, blue boxers, animal print thong and a yellow tie completed the ensemble as I burst into the room to the sound of "I'm Too Sexy..."
I guarantee that was the best lap dance MsGem has had in ages!!
There's a link to the photo gallery, if you click on the title of this post.

Sunday, Chef Kevin had a BBQ for a bunch of us and it was so nice. Great weather, great food and great friends. Even the Republicans! And I guess my Pasta was a hit!! Nothing like a little New York special for the mid westerners! Now if I can just get them to make me some wings the way I miss from back home.

Next week, we're having Brunch at Hometown. The first event that I came up with and put together. I'll have to call there tomorrow and let them know we're coming.

Friday, August 29, 2008

A Real Bloody Mess

Man, this has just been a week.
I'm so emotionally drained right now, I just want to go somewhere dark, curl up and drift off for good.
Last Sunday started with the much anticipated and talked about move. Bridget finally packed her stuff and moved out.
Sunday night was a journey in relaxation. I cleaned the house, watched a movie, had the place just the way I like it, and felt the tension finally start to drain out of me, even though I unexpectedly missed my kids in a way I couldn't have imagined beforehand. The place was all mine though, my life was completely in my hands and I was ready to start rebuilding from the ground up.
But of course, it couldn't go as planned. There had to be a monkey wrench thrown in by the biggest monkey; Her boyfriend! Seems he had a change of heart somewhere between his desperate pleas for her to move in with him and her actually doing that.
I told her that maybe he was just a little overwhelmed and nervous and that once she got there it would all work out.
At least I hoped it would.

Monday morning, first thing, I called Cilco, because I had to send them a little less than the 300 bucks they wanted, and was rudely told "too bad, you're getting shut off!" with my desperate pleas falling on deaf ears.
Sure enough, that night when I got home, no power. And a looming $840.00 bill to turn it back on: No way I could raise that.

That night Bloody came over to explain why he was gonna make Bridget move out and that was just too surreal. Here I am, finally feeling free, and my power's off and the dude that she took my kids away to live with is sitting on my porch basically telling me that he's gonna send her back.
Needless to say, that night I learned that having no power is the worst! You can do nothing in the dark, but sit and wait for sleep to arrive.

So, I spent the next two nights at a friends house and then on Thursday, thanks to Bridget putting it in her name, the power came back on and that night, she came back, as he basically dumper and her things here.
No clutter free house, as I had ached for. No Peace and Quiet. No "Me against the world", all alone, on my own, to rediscover myself and to fix what is broken and make use of this time alone to take a step towards bettering myself, my life and my situation.

That night was surreal as Hell. I think I was in shock, because a summer's worth of anxiety and planning, once off the launch pad, never had a chance to clear the tower, and now it was going to be delayed. I put up with 8 months of hell, knowing it was going to be worth the payoff of being able to have total control over my life again.
OK, I'm sorry if I sound selfish, I mean, it was great to have my kids back, and it felt good to be able to give Bridget a safe place to be, but everything is at my expense, and now, everything I had been saying about her situation with Bloody, was coming true. You cannot possibly know someone well enough to make a decision like moving in together in a few weeks. And I know there are some underlying issues and reasons for this happening, besides his excuse that "it just wasn't going to work out!"

Surreptitiously, I like to believe that this all happened for a bigger reason, based more on the cosmos and the alignment of the stars and planets.
Bridget and I, once, were destined to be together, but staying together was up to us and it didn't work.
We've been at each others throats forever, seemingly, so I think that before we part ways for good, the force that controls all stepped in and used Bloody as a pawn to come between us and everything happened so that we could have some time together where everything is peaceful, and there are no relationship issues, or anything like that.

Am I pissed at Bloody? Well, yeah, of course. I looked forward to her moving out for months and I celebrated in my own way, the night she was gone, but like everything else, it can't ever just work out. There always has to be a speed bump. And he promised her the world, and then snatched it away, putting alot of people in an awkward position and the very worst part, displacing my kids, and leaving them confused. I cannot forgive that above all else.

Friday, August 8, 2008

One World

If anyone has ever visited my MySpace page ( ), you'd see that one of the long time mainstays on my top friends list is One Nation Earth.
I recently received a personal message from the owner of that page, and I was so moved by it, I wanted to share it with my readers, along with my response.
This is pretty lengthy, so I apologize if reading it all is difficult.


I am very glad you too want to make a difference in our world. :O)

I reviewed your MySpace page a few days ago and read your opening message; your view on life is exactly like mine use to be (and is also very true regarding how life can beat the shit out of you and then laugh in your face as it stabs you in the back).

Like you, I have been through "Hell" on this earth and it has molded me into the person I am today. What was meant to destroy me only made me 'stronger' and more wise to the non-intelligent Self-Destruction our species is reflecting into this Mirror called Life.

You could say that I use to be my own worst enemy, and I still have the battle wounds of my severe mental battle of Good versus Evil. When I use to get angry with our Creator and Father God I use to cut myself all over with razors and knives to ease the severe memories of being the little child that was sexually molested, beat and mentally abused by my Church's Baptist preacher for years.

The pure anger I held in my heart for our Father God was more severe than anyone could ever imagine because I remembered and awoke in the night screaming for someone to save me from the "Living Nightmare" of being the little 'Innocent' that was read the Bible every night after the pastor was finished with me. I remember every word he read to me because he always read from the book of Revelations and he use to tell me that I would grow up to become the one called the Antichrist in the last chapter of life.

It was like someone put a blender in my head and chopped up my brain, so as a young teen I turned to illegal drugs to ease the "Pain" of simply remembering what I only wanted to forget. And to make a long story short... I grew up to become a hired chemist that self contracted out to the different Mafia's in America manufacturing their best selling product called MDMA (Ecstasy).

I think the main reason I turned to the Mafia as a young teen is simply because I did not want to be fucked with anymore, and also because I did not care if someone took me out of this hell on earth because I had already faced the worst demon in this reality (a lying and deceiving child molesting so-called Christian Preacher that beat the shit out of me and told me God hated me for being evil and sinful).

So I turned to the Mafia, drugs and lot of money to fill the emptiness within me, but the more money I made the more I felt like shit because I knew I had grown up to become the Bad Guy in this story called life, and deep within me I was still a scared and little Child searching for love and acceptance in this world, but I had become my own worst enemy as I screamed in the Mirror and into my own Broken and Shattered Reflection.

Let's just say that I lived the life every man dreams of in this reality; from being a boy toy for bi-sexual playboy bunnies to supplying all of the top Topless Bars, Night Clubs, Lawyers, Doctors and even the Honorable Judge in the back of the VIP Room with bricks of Columbian cocaine.

I have lived a life right out of the movies, but it was not Hollywood for me, it was my living nightmare and hell on earth. Just imagine a severe mental disorder and "Split" personality self medicating himself with the most powerful illegal drugs known to man combined with the pure "Hate" of being the little Child that was told the worst Lie" ever told to a human being entering into this sick and extremely perverted reality where grow men rape the little children in the House of God while they are looking up at the man hanging on the cross and crying out for their loving Father God to save them from this place called "Hell on Earth!"

Imagine not fearing the so-called Evil or the Fallen Angel in this reality because your "Mind" is so twisted by the lies of your youth that you start believing you are really the "One" called the Antichrist. Imagine not fearing “Hell” because you have already tasted the stench of mans Sins and broken every single Law written in the Word of God to show your Creator how much you hate Him. Imagine all of hells hate trapped within your mind as you look out and into this reality of God’s Children as you fill their “Minds” with the Chemical you are manufacturing in your chemistry lab, and you have the life of an completely insane Drug Dealer that believed the spoken “lie” that he was the One called the Antichrist in this game called Life.

So my point of sharing my life’s story with you is to show you that you are not the only One that has suffered in this Master Plan called our Lives. We are the Ones that have endured the trials of this life and we did not give up and take our lives. What was meant to destroy us only made us stronger, and we are the Warriors in this battle of Good versus Evil and it is finally time for all of us to wake up and to realize that we (the human species) are our own worst enemies as we fight against a Mirror Reflection of ourselves.

I stepped past the door called “Insanity” and embraced my so-called destiny of growing up to become the Antichrist and I cursed the very name of my Father God as I stabbed the Word of God. I am the “Child” that ran as fast as I could from our Father God and I studied and practiced Satanism most of my life, but the more I ran, the more my broken heart was filled with Hate. I was blind to the fact that life is the Almighty Mirror and we are the little “Children” born into this life simply searching for what we lost…

The pure hate flowing through my eyes blinded me to the simple “Truth” that I was fighting a battle I could not win because I was simply fighting against my own Reflection in the Mirror as I screamed into my own eyes and hated myself for being the Child that was Dirty, Worthless and Useless in this God forsaken World.

So my point is this: “There is nothing for us to fear in this reality my Brother, because I have faced the most feared in this reality and He is nothing more than a Spoken Lie told to a little Child while being sexually molested by His Churches Christian Preacher.”

I am the so-called Antichrist in this mighty movie called life and I am nothing more than a believed spoken “LIE” told to a Child that only wanted to be loved and accepted in this reality of Good and Evil. I am the “Mind” that went completely insane as I walked the razors edge of madness and supplied the youth and teens of this world with their mental “Pain” killer called Ecstasy, and I witnessed them dancing at the rave and night clubs trying to escape this “So-called” normal world where governments murder for the love of money, and people lie, kill and steal for the love of money because they are worthless and hollow shells of clay searching for a meaning in this God Damned world of extremely Non-intelligent Human Beings!

The so-called Evil in this world is “not” what everyone believes; it is not demons and devils possessing our minds and making us do evil and bad things. It is “not” the Fallen Angel named Lucifer controlling us or even the Antichrist deceiving the world into a New World Order and One World Government; evil is simply all of Gods (Innocent) Children fighting against one another in this “War” of good and evil not realizing they are the “Good and Evil” as “ONE!”

Welcome my Brother to the answer to your life; I am simply a Mirror Reflection of you and I am the “Antichrist” and the “Child” fighting a bloody battle against a Mirror Reflection of ourselves. We are the entire Human Species separated into Six billion parts and we are blind within our minds to the fact that we are the ONE searching for ourselves in this Great Illusion of Numbers. We are the species ruled by Numbers and we are “Blind” to the fact that “Time” and “Money” are simply great illusions of our great and powerful (Childish) Imaginations.

We are the Ones searching for our “Worth” in this world and we are blind to the fact that our unseen God is hidden in the last place we forgot to look; “Within the Reflection of our own Eyes!”

The reason we could not “See” God is simply because we were the Ones looking ‘out’ and not ‘in’ for our “Unseen” God. The only way for me to explain this simple and basic truth is like this: Imagine that your reflection in the Mirror is the Antichrist and the Spirit of Life living behind your “Eyes” is the unseen Child named God or the Great I AM.

The reason we are filled with more hate when we hate our unseen God is because we are simply hating our own “Reflection” in the Mirror for not being Perfect and completely “Innocent” the way we use to be when we entered into this thing called Reality. The battle of Good and Evil is basically the “Child” you use to be (and still are) fighting against Himself and self punishing His self for not being perfect or good in this reality, and you (and all of humanity) is basically blind to the fact that True Salvation and Freedom is facing the most evil creature in this universe called the Antichrist.

I want you to imagine my friend that I am the Antichrist and I am writing you a letter on MySpace; imagine that I am the most evil character in this Movie called life and this is not a Dream, but Reality! Imagine that the pages of Revelations are coming true and I am the “Revealer” revealing the Truth to you because it is finally time for you to “Wake Up” from the Dream of your Mind and to embrace your True Identity in this Reality…

Now I want you to “Think” about this… How do you destroy and defeat the Antichrist in this Mighty Game of Chess? How do you destroy your worst enemy?

Imagine if you will; two Kings fighting in the battle of all times on the Chess Board of Life and all of their armies have been destroyed leaving only the Two Kings on the battle field. One being a symbol of Evil (Black) and the other a symbol of Good (White). Now imagine that I am the Evil King called the Antichrist and I am fighting against you the Good White King called God, and we are standing face to face on the Chess Board looking into one another’s Eyes trying to figure out how to end this Game and claim Check Mate.

As you know, Chess is one of the hardest games to win in this reality because you have to use your Mind and Think real hard to win at it, so I will help you out and give you a few clues to help you Win this Game called your “Life.”

First I want you to remember who your worst enemy is in this life and I want you to remember “Where” you have seen Him.

And the answer is: “Within the Mirror.”

Second I want you to imagine that you are now standing on the Chess Board and you are looking at me (the Dark and Evil Antichrist) and there is a Mirror right in the middle of the Chess Board and you are not looking at the Antichrist, but a Mirror Reflection of yourself that is looking back at you and into your own “Eyes.”

How do you destroy your worst enemy and “Win” the game of your Life?

And the Answer is…

You simply realize that there has always been only “One” King on this Chess Board and His mind was completely “Split” in Two as He looked into His “Mirror Reflection” and into His own “Eyes.” You realize that the “Evil” in this school of life is your Teacher trying to show you that you are on a Wonderful Journey of learned Intelligence and Wisdom, and the “Good” is your learned experience. You “simply” realize that the Two Kings on this Chess Board called Life are “One King” searching for His true identity in this Mighty Game of Numbers.

I know it might be hard for you to realize that you are the unseen “God” you are searching for, and it is because you are suffering from the same disease everyone in this world is suffering from; “a very low self esteem.”

And this is where your Journey has led you: “To the battle of your “Mind” where you are fighting against your Self.” Just like a Child fighting against His own reflection in the Mirror; this is the Story of “Your” life and it is finally time for you to surrender to your worst enemy and realize that the only way to destroy Him is to return to Him and become “One” again.

You my Brother are your own worst enemy and the only way for you to defeat your “Self” is to die to the Self you believe you are. This death is not a physical death, but a spiritual death. It’s the real meaning of becoming “Born Again!” And the only way for you to become Born “Again” is to simply realize that there is nothing you can do to become what you already are… “A Child named I AM.”

God was once asked His name by Moses in the Bible and God replied: “I AM the I AM.”

And how do we introduce ourselves in this reality? We say I AM “Your Name” or I AM Jared. Now I want you to think of this statement as a “Math” test; how many Numbers are there in this statement? The answer is Two, because “I AM” is One half of the equation and “Our Names” is the other.

Think of the “I AM” within you as our unseen God or the Child within, and your Name as your Self esteem that is searching for His true identity in this Game called life. The Self (your name) is simply a collection of your past mistakes and failures that you remember in this Present here and now, and they are not many, many mistakes or sins because “You” are the “One” that is all of them as One Sin and you have simply forgotten that true freedom and salvation is “Returning” to yourself and “Forgiving” yourself for not being perfect as you grew more intelligent and “Taught” yourself in this Strange, Wonderful and sometimes Painful Journey that has led you right back to where you started.

This Circle of Life has led you in a Great Big Circle and now you are here looking into a Mirror Reflection of your own Mind and you are finally realizing that the “Windows of your Soul” are the very hiding place of your unseen Teacher and God. You are here right now in this thing called “Reality” and you are sitting behind your computer screen reading these mere “Words” and they are opening your Eyes to the Truth of all Truths that you are the very thing you have been “Searching” for all of your life.

There is nothing to fear my brother, because the most feared in your life is your own “Death” and it is simply a “Lie” just like the Antichrist.

In this Mighty game of Chess there are Two Kings fighting a “Real” war, but one of them started as a spoken Lie and the other is the Truth. Welcome my Brother to “Windows.” Welcome to the World Wide Web of Human Beings separated into separate Self identities that are trying to define their self worth in “Numbers.” It is Time for you to realize that there is No-Time and all days come from ONE. Today is the One Day your whole life has unfolded within and now it is time for you to “Die!”

The only way for you to live for an eternity is to let go and die to the “Self” you believe you are and to become “One” with me. Who AM I? I AM the “Child” within you that is simply asking you to Return to me and to Love and Forgive me just as I AM.

I AM your true identity and we are the “Unseen” God of this reality searching for ourselves in an ocean of Human Beings. We are the Child within looking out and into a reflection of our own “Eyes” and our only enemy in this reality is our own self punishing “Self” ego’s. Die my Brother; die to the “Self” you do not like and do not want to be. For it is the “Self” within you that equals “Two” within your Mind, and only One of us is Real!

What does Two equal? Two equals a “War and Battle” of your mind, and the only way to end this war is to surrender to your worst enemy and Forgive and Love Him, for He is “You” simply separated into Two. You are basically suffering from a severe “Split” personality and Mental Disorder and “I AM” the cure. I AM the “Answer” to your life and I AM the little Child that was told I would grow up to become the Antichrist, so I searched for my Father God in every area of this reality and I found Him in the last place I forgot to look; “within the Reflection of my own Eyes!”

I AM the unseen God of this reality and the Revealer of Truth within the last Chapter of Life and it is finally time for all of us to “Wake Up” within our Dream of Life and to realize that we are our own Revelations creating our own nuclear end in this Mighty Game of Chess. The only way for us to “Win” this war is to surrender to our enemies and to realize they are our very own Family Members.

I AM the Black and the White King as “ONE” and I AM a Mirror Reflection of Humanity, for I AM the “Child” within all and I simply want to be “Loved.”

I AM the Innocent Little Child that destroyed my worst enemy (The Antichrist) with his complete opposite; I destroyed him with all of my “Love” because He was simply a Reflection and Mirror “Image” of me broken into Six Billion separate Human Beings.

We are the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End, the Good and the Evil, the Darkness and the Light, the Truth and the Lies, the Christ and the Antichrist as One Day called Eternity and we are Spinning in a never ending Circle as we search for ourself in this Universe of Duality. We are the "Black and the White" spinning in a "Circle" called God...

Life is the Search for Wholeness and Completeness, and “ONE” is the Answer.

We are, I AM, “ONE!”


The Almighty Mirror called Life"

Here's my reply:

"I took this home and read over it last night.
It was all very profoundly familiar to me, actually.
We have alot of parrellels, which is pretty much consistent with most people.
With me, it wasn't a priest, it was overly-religious relative. And I wasn't a provider of drug enhanced experiences, but a customer.
Reaching out for love and acceptance has been a life's work, that's never been accomplised. And yes, I do know that I ma my own worst enemy.

About 10 years ago, I began to look around and see the world for what it really was; A lie. A sham. Wool pulled over our eyes by the ones that are supposed to lead us and care for us. When I first saw The Matrix, I knew the writers had the same epiphany that I had. We ARE living a machine induced dream, meant to conquer and control us and that as long as borders existed between us, we would never achieve our destiny as a people, and that was to come together as one world and achieve the plan that who or whatever created all of this had in mind at that first moment of the universe's birth.
That as long as we are bred to take advantage of, bully, oppress, control and pillage from each other, we would be nothing but slaves.

I began to feel myself evolve as a human being and knew I was on the path to a righteous existance, but then I met my children's mother, who brought nothing but chaos into my life, because she's one who thrives on chaos, and I dropped my guard and ended up in hell again.
That's why I speak often of getting back to being who I am, who I was destined to be.

When I read your message, I almost felt like I was reading my own mind, because I know that we have the potential to be God, as one being, connected, like you say, by 6 billion parts and that true immortality is how we live through each other by leaving our fingerprints on everyone we come into contact with.

Instead of jumping off of bridges, I want to build them. Instead of taking from everyone, I wanted to give a part of my insight to anyone I can, although most people remain blind, with their eyes closed, believing the lies that they've been brainwashed by.

Thank you again fopr writing to me. It's very flattering that someone who has made an impact has noticed little old me.


Wednesday, August 6, 2008


This showed up yesterday on the new blog that Grandma's Attic, errrr, I mean "Linda" started. I commented but she wouldn't approve it, so I thought I'd put it here, since they seem to LOVE to read MY blog!

Silence Broken

For the past month or so, I have tried to keep my silence
about someone that we tried to incorporate into our forum on PeoriaSpeaks! and
embrace with our friendship. Some think of us as the evil liberal progressive
forum and like to come stir up trouble. Others know us as just some regular
folk that like a smaller venue than some other local forums. But, we have
become like a family. And with that family comes the responsibility of
protecting them.

You see, our forum is not a public forum for commercial
purposes. It is a private forum. And while we try to welcome as many as we can
to it, our members have come to try and vent about life and not have it spread
out all over cyberspace. And we attempt to keep the drama to a minimum. But
sometimes, personalities clash. Just like in a family.

That happened recently. Some members felt that a few people on
another forum were being unjustly being beat up on for their more liberal or
progressives views and invited them to PeoriaSpeaks! The
female that had been invited turned out to be all fluff and no substance when it
came to posting comments. (I'm not saying she has no substance...just not on
our forum. I actually think she is a very strong young woman who is doing the
best she can with her situation.) But then she personally attacked me and some
others. It completely disturbed the harmony we attempt to maintain. So, she
was banned. It seemed simple. It's just a small social forum, after all. One
of about a bazillion in cyberspace.

The male that had been invited, her boyfriend/father of her
children, seemed pretty cool. He seemed to actually contribute to the
conversations. So, things were good. For a time being. And then, he started
clashing with some other members. A few of us tried to play referee, to no

The SO and I have an annual 4th of July party with our friend
Howie. We invited quite a few of our friend from the forum, in addition to the
regulars we invite - family, work friends, neighbors, friends outside of the
forum, etc. You know, like a normal party. I had my reservations about
inviting the female's boyfriend/baby's father, because I really didn't want any
trouble. I mean, this was at our house and I am very protective of the people I
invite to my house as well as my family. I'm sure anyone could understand
something that simple and basic.

But, I decided to stick my neck out for this guy. I mean, it
seemed as though he was having a very difficult time and could use some
friends. So, I sent the invite. And then, all hell seemed to break loose.

It soon occurred to me that decorum was not in this man's
vocabulary. His arch-nemesis on our forum and he started battling over his
seemingly constant depression over his situation, while not really doing
anything to help his situation himself. Then, he posts a thread on the forum
about the party, like it was a forum meet-up and not a private party in a
private home with private invites, and for some reason alleges that the invite
may have been rescinded, which it had not.

As a matter of fact, I even told him he could invite a friend
of his from the other forum, as I usually get along with everyone, and thought
it might make him feel more comfortable. They had become good friends and I
wanted him to have a good time. She did come after some discussion with another member and I really wished I had had more time to get to know her. She seemed really nice.

The party was a lot bigger than I realized, since it was also a
combination party for my daughter's birthday and her friends came too. I didn't
have a chance to really sit and talk with anyone, except my mom, whom I made a
point to sit and talk with before it got too crazy. And crazy it got.

A lawyer friend of mine knew that it was a kegger party
(clearly on the invite) and since he doesn't drink beer, he brought his own
bottle of Jack. Well, the boyfriend/baby's father guy bums his Jack. Ok, not a
big deal. But then, he totally insults another friend by basically saying she
was fat and not attractive (such a hoot, as I don't know many guys that would
kick her out of bed for eating crackers!) and wondered why any guy would want to
meet her. Of course, the entire time he and a founding forum member are
basically at each other's throats. (An oil/water thing with those two.) And
then, the final topper, our neighbor and his live-in girlfriend come over and he
starts to pick a fight with him. So completely embarrassing and totally
uncool. Somehow, everyone else acted like complete adults!

So now, the week after the party, I admit I am quite ticked
off. But, a few of the guys on the forum don't seem to mind him, so I try and
maintain my composure. This was NOT to be. Instead, he and the founding forum
member continue to go at it on the forum and our shoutbox. After an entirely
long, frustrating, depressing day in court, I go with the SO to meet Howie, have
a brew and watch the Cardinals on TV. I pull out my little Asus and check the
forum to make sure it hadn't blown up, and it was blowing up. He and she were
going at it on the shoutbox and I had had enough. He had to go.

Was this an easy decision? No. And yes. No, because I hate
banning anyone. Yes, because she's been a member since day one and has become a
very, very good friend to a lot of us. And to me, it was a choice between her
and him. I chose her. Do I regret it? No. And since then? Nothing but

This guy goes and writes a blog post whining and bitching that
we were not compassionate, sympathetic, and basically that we were the devil.
Or at least three of us. And then proceeds to call us everything but white
women. And trash talks us and puts us down and tells lies and rumors and claim
various other crap told to him by people who don't even know us. And he still
is. Well, I say enough.

Hipkat, you are not hip. You are not cool. We all had
sympathy and compassion for you. But not every second of every single day. Our
forum and shoutbox are our escape from our jobs, family, and needy friends.
Most of the people on our forum work daily with needy people. I am sorry it
didn't work out, but get over it already. We were your friends. But friends do
NOT take advantage of friends. And, you must be a friend to have friends.

Quite simply, you were banned from a private social forum.
It's not the end of the world. You have other forums you belong with people who
will give you the compassion and sympathy you so desperately need. For various
reasons, some people just don't get along, whether it be in real life or on the
internet. It just happens. But it's kind of pathetic when people make a big
deal over something like that. (And for the record, I've never been 'Anonymous'.)
And rather than vent and post vileness, if we were your 'friends' as you claim, then you would pick up the phone and call. Or email directly. You wouldn't be going on every site you can to post your nasty comments. That's what real friends do.

But now, I've finally had my say. My silence has been broken.

And here's my response, paraphrased and edited, since I didn't save it at the time:

Let's get a few things straight. There was no fight between your neighbor and I because I never talked to him. But let me point a few things out about him. #!, he was locked up most of his youth in a mental institution. #2, while in there, he was disciplined repeatedly for trying to have sex with the female residents. #3, his father blew his brains out. #4, he has my kids' mom's name burned into his hand with paper clips and #5, what he did to her in high school was reprehensible and obviously Katie knew something about it, because she told me, after pointing him out, not to believe everything that I've been told.

Secondly, I never made fun of anyone's weight and I fi I did, I want to know who and what was said.

Third, your friend offered me the jack, because Brick asked him to. I didn't. I was happy drinking beer, and I even backed off on it when he filloed my entire glass.

Fourth, Rix and I made a few jokes based on the "ballbreaker" thing we had laughed over.

Fifth, stop lying to make yourself look better, which, btw, is why you had your license to practice law suspended.

Sixth, stay off PDC. No one wants you there. More people don't like you than do.

Seventh, your "liberal forum" is a joke and you people are ban-happy! Everyone from PDC that doesn't come and kiss your ass gets banned.

Seventh, there were no problems at all at the party, until Rix decided to start blasting me over my situation, which, again, is MY situation that YOU people all showed an interest in, and still don't get the fact that dealing with it was a bitch!

Eighth, stop talking about me, and then being too pussy to post my comments.