Let's Call This The Half Way Point

This year, I'm going to be 45 years old!
I figure, with advances in medical treatment and technology, this is probably a safe year to call half way.

So, I'm going to be 45 years old.... THIS year!
Which is crazy to me, because, and maybe everyone feels this way, but I'm still 25.
See, I made this promise when I was 21 that since 25 was the perfect age (Old enough to know better, young enough to get away with it still), once I hit that age, I was never going to get any older, and I really haven't.

Looking back, what a weird trip my life has been.
Walk with me now, while I reminisce.

My Childhood
As a kid, I was cluelessly sheltered by my Mom, who was struggling herself to deal with my baby brother and the deterioration of her marriage.
Fortunately, my Grandparents intervened and let us move from suburban (Buffalo) Kenmore, NY into the flat over their garage in rural Alden, NY.
We stayed in that little one room hovel for five years!! And because my only real upbringing was at the hands of my nerdy, frugal and overtly Catholic grandparents, I had little knowledge of the outside world, other than cheap clothes, the outlawed field behind their house, their friends and Church. My brother and I were raised as if we were twins, dressed and treated alike.

My Teenage Years
When I was ten, in an effort to get her kids into a better school system, we moved to upscale Amherst, NY, but the place we moved to was not exactly upscale. It wasn't a ghetto either, but it WAS a great place for a kid, with the seemingly endless woods, paved bike trails, pool tennis courts and no shortage of other kids and ongoing adventures.
Now, by ten, my personality was already somewhat developed, and it was not ready for the ever present peer pressure and competitiveness of Amherst. I really just never did fit in and as I grew older, but never grew bigger, my life collapsed into a routine of running, hiding and dodging the other bigger, popular kids that loved to fuck with me as mercilessly as possible. I was a total victim in high school, and I still, to this day, wonder why that was allowed to happen.
It was bad and it shaped some bad traits in me that have lasted my entire life.
Knowing that all my blogs show up on my Facebook page, and that there are people on my friend's list that I went to high school with, I have no problem talking openly about what I went through back then, knowing that most will simply "not remember".
But names like Chris Guercio, Monte Brown, Tim Bub, Scott Greene, Larry Fineburgh, Jack Armitage, Hank Warden, Michelle Phillips, and other, still light a burning rage in me.
Hell, my friends were all kids my brother's age. I could take them in a fight, and I had a bully mentality with smaller kids, too. Definitely a result of the abuse I took from bigger kids.
Girls? Oh hell no. Girls did not see me and if they did, I couldn't utter the "excuse me" if I had to step out of their way.

When I graduated, I weighed 109lbs. Today, I weigh 200. That is insane to me, that I got this big.
I wish I was this big or had the "fight-to-the-death-attitude" I have now while I was in in high school. Monte Brown would have been eating lunch through a straw....
I'm just convinced he's a big fucking pussy now. I know Chris Guercio had a nightmare for a teenage daughter. Jack Armitage is probably in jail with Scott Greene.



My Twenties
Anyhow, I graduated and was already enlisted in the Army, knowing that the first thing I needed to do after High School, was grow up and get a spine.

So I ended my teens and started my twenties in the Army.
I got that spine, along with a killer's "take-no-shit" attitude, and an endless class-clown type sense of humor.
I also learned about heavy drinking, acid, cocaine, and living on the edge.

Now, looking back, I should have just stayed in. Where would I be now?
This was the first really, life-changing, terribly wrong decision I ever made.
I actually still regret it to this day.

My twenties were the way your twenties should be. Wild!
I partied, rocked, traveled and lived for the moment throughout the entire time.
I learned new trades. Iron Worker. Business Owner. Pool Builder. Mechanic. Steeple Jack and finally truck driver.
I sang in bands that were pretty big in Buffalo. I lived in California, Texas, Washington, DC....
In San Diego, I sang in a band that had the Bass Player and Drummer from Krokus.
That is major! I wonder if Michelle Phillips from high school would make fun of me if she saw me on that stage! (Ha ha)
I lived 100 years in that decade and when it ended, my life was transitioning.



My Thirties
I started my thirties in the midst of a long term relationship with a girl that was just turning 19.
Not my first big relationship, but my first real love, which I managed to screw up.
Actually, it was screwed already screwed up, just due to the age difference.

Anyhow, in my thirties, I evolved more. I began to eat super healthy. I worked out religiously. I threw myself into my work. I dealt with the heart ache of that relationship ending and learned to move on. I found spirituality, began thinking deeper and I found myself back in the music scene, promoting bands and clubs.
Once, I almost booked Fuel and Tonic at 3600 seat Shea's Theater, which would have sent me on the way in that profession, but my front money never came through and the Concert Promoter dream died.
Instead, I worked in production for Clear Channel, hanging out with rock stars at the 6 Flags Amphitheater outside of Buffalo for 5 years.
My thirties was about growing and learning every and anything I could about life, the world, and trying to discover all of life's secrets.

I was at a concert for a band called Donna The Buffalo, a jam band from the Ithaca area, that I really dug a lot! I was stoned, dancing and losing myself when a friend of mine confirmed how much I loved that band and then shook his head, questioning "But you listen to Death Metal!"
That one statement described the vast, multi-layered person I had become. My thirties were just an extension of my twenties and towards the end, while down at one of my shows in the city of Buffalo, someone began a game guessing my age. The average answer was 28!
I lived in a great apartment in the greatest neighborhood in Buffalo (North Buffalo on the Hertel Strip), I was financially sound and my future looked great.
I couldn't be more pleased.



Forties
My forties rang in with the birth of my first child. My life took another hard turn.
All of a sudden, things began going wrong. I lost the bar tending job that I loved, because the owner wanted the girl he cheated on his wife with to have my coveted Saturday nights.
I started and lost my own trucking business. A cop in Tonanwanda targeted me and wrote me bunches of bunk speeding tickets, costing me my license (Which I still haven't gotten back) and my livelihood. My kid's mother and I were at each other's throats. I took on roommates, who fucked up my way of life. I lost my cool apartment and everything I owned.
E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G!

You now those records you still have from when you were a kid? GONE! The furniture you collected? GONE! The clothes you still had from when you were a kid that you can't throw out? GONE! Awards. GONE! My Dad's stuff I got when he died, my Army medals, TV, steroe, computers, PA System, bedding, everything... .GONE!!!
And Bridget, too, lost about everything. As did my infant daughter.

Having lost my license, and needing to maintain that type of income I was used to, I learned how to sell Home Improvements. At first, I couldn't sell. I became depressed, and then, just as I worked my way up to the top of my office, I was forced to pick up and move to Peoria, IL.

Since I've been here, we've struggled, bad. I had to learn telemarketing, selling advertising. I hated it, but I excelled at it, working my way up to the top of the office in sales.
When a better opportunity presented itself, I jumped on it, worked my way into the Layout Department as a Graphic Designer and was starting to feel happy again, when that fell apart.
Now, I'm making ten fucking dollars an hour, as a graphic designer, the going rate in this shit-hole town, but some things still remain.
I have two little girls and my kid's mother and I are still at each other's throats, but we strive to make things work out, and provide the kind've love to our children that we both feel we lacked, growing up.

First, I feel optimistic again for the first time in some years, like something big is going to happen. The same way I felt through my twenties and thirties. That greatness may not have eluded me after all.

And I'm still 25.
When we can get away with playing music in the office, we take turns, and for me, it's always extremely heavy metal. I still headbang and thrash.
Another designer, he's 22, listens to classic rock.
I can't get across to him how repetitive that is to me, having listened to it for over 30 years.
The other designer, she's a biker, and listens to classic rock, too.

But me, I'm still 25, in a mosh pit, losing myself to the savage beat.

I look to the future and in it, I still see myself the same at 55, 65, 75....
Eternally young, and insistent on never giving in.
My hair flying to the heaviest music, lost in the thrash.

I'm going to be 45 this year?
No fucking way!

Whatever Happened To The Unwritten Rules?

I will freely admit that I like do some things that many people may not agree with.
Not habitually, but recreationally, I like to smoke pot, and drink Jack Daniels. I'll have a beer on occasion and if I have the money and the access to some good cocaine, I will gladly indulge.
That's about as far as it goes. It's not often that I ever get to have any of these, because, let's face it, it costs money, and I have none. But even if finances were not an issue, I still would keep it to a minimum, just because that's how I prefer it.

Now, I'm not sure if this is a generational thing, a regional thing, or a cultural thing, but I'm gonna guess it's probably not generational, since before I moved here, I saw how the younger generation respectfully followed these age old traditions.

I have a major complaint and source of frustration: People who do not share.

Before I moved to Peoria, I never had this problem, but since I moved here, it's glaring. People here do not share.

In my time, before you buy the car, you test drive it. Same with drugs. You always share a sample between the dealing parties before the deal is done. It's good business, it's polite and it's tradition.
Mi casa, su casa.
It's going to a different place together where you can reasonably agree on the deal that you are about to make, with an informed, educated decision.

But this doesn't just apply to buying and selling.
It applies in social gatherings as well.
If I have weed, and you have weed, we're gonna take turns sharing our weed.
If I'm with a group of people and I'm the only person holding, we're all getting stoned. If I have beer, we're all drinking. If I have blow, we're all gonna be rolling a bill up. No questions asked. No expectations. No hang-ups and no ill feelings.
That's how it has always been... Until I moved here
.
The number of times I've been in a group setting, or in a car, or a conversation with someone, who'll inevitably pull out their stash, pack a hitter, fire it up, then put it all away without a single glance in my direction, with no offer to share or no explanation why none was made is glaringly obvious.
And it happens ALL the time.
Especially in situations where sharing would totally just happen, without question.
Sitting in a car with someone, and they pack a bowl or a hitter or light a joint and smoke it without even asking you if you want a hit is insanely rude. It's totally rude and it's just never done that way. except here.

Now, I understand, some straight people are reading this shaking their heads and making misguided judgments, but there is a drug sub-culture, with it's own set of by-laws, mostly unwritten, traditions, and expectations that is as real and valid as any other sub-culture we come in contact with.

Just one more reason why I hate Peoria.....

Spinning My Wheels.

Yes, two posts in one day.
One, positive and upbeat, the other, back to reality.
In other words, not everything has been roses.
Last month, Bridget had a miscarriage, which devastated us both. Although, the pregnancy was unplanned and admittedly not the best timing, it was still a life we created, and the loss hit us both very hard.
Out of that, we decided to try and make our relationship work again.
Let me be real honest here, because that's why I started his blog. So I could put down my feelings and thoughts, without the sugar-coating and see if any sense can be made from those words. Or, if any answers can be found.
There is no fixing my relationship with Bridget. It is not possible, because in my view, that would mean compromises. And with Bridget, there are none.
Bridget's idea of fixing things is me doing everything her way, all the time. It's jumping, when she snaps her fingers. It's all about making her happy, and there truly is no making her happy, because she will always find the dark cloud behind the silver lining.
Perfect example: I am a Ghost Hunter. My group conducts scientific research into places that may be haunted. It is as harmless as can be. We don't drink. We don't do drugs. We don't flirt or co-mingle. But we do spend late hours on an investigation.
The most recent, I was home at 3 in the morning, which is realistically, pretty early. Of course, Bridget snapped, and even went so far as to say that she will never let me go again.
Let me go? LET??
DO you see why I cannot function when I'm with her?
I am a free spirit, who feels like a bird in a cage. I need to spread my wings and soar, occasionally, but with her, it never happens.
Why? One reason is that other than our kids, we really have little in common.
There is a camping trip coming up. I'll never be able to just go, without a LOT of headaches, accusations, demands, etc, until it gets to the point that I'll just not go.
On top of that, I've been paying a lot of attention to Bridget. Who she is. How she is and I realize that I just don't really like her.
She talks about herself, constantly. We never have conversations.
When she is talking, she never stops talking and no one can get a word in.
She has no consideration for anyone else, and then wonders why she's rarely shown any in return.
Everything is always about her and let's face it, that includes sex, which makes sex into something that I'm never interested in, because it is so one sided.
I'm a sexual being. But I like to get as much as I give, and I have very little incentive to make it good for her, because it's never good for me.
Add to that,the constant barrage of insults, accusations, put downs and demands that endlessly stream from her mouth and I start closing her out, until it comes to a head.
Now, I quit smoking ,and she promises to quit drinking, but last night, she was out of control and things got mildly physical.
I tweaked her nose with my finger, followed by her punching me in the head 3 times, followed by me grabbing her by the arms and putting her in the recliner wit ha warning of how close to losing control she was making me followed by her attacking the laptop, and then telling me how I beat my girlfriend, mixed in with more insults, more ultimatums and some made up plans to leave for the night, which never happened.
That is not me. I'm supposed to be a very calm, laid back person, who has been pushed to fits of insane rage by this person, over and over.

Everything is telling me to leave, to go live my life, to find people that like me and that I like in return, but I cannot, because of two reasons.
One, my kids. I can't be away from them nor can leave them to be trapped in her influences and two, I don't have the money to leave. OR to pay the child support. Or the lawyer it'll take to figure out the child support.


Stuck between a rock and a hard place.....
Where I've been since I met Bridget.

Changes In The Garden Of HipKat

I hate it when so much time passes by and I haven't updated my blog.
I guess life can get to be such a whirlwind and the last few months, as usual, have been no exception.
On the upside, spring is finally here, or has been for a few weeks now, and I'm so happy. I despise the cold with all my being. Truly, I hate it.
So, with the advent of spring, we planted out first ever vegetable garden - with mixed results.
Tomatoes, Broccoli, @ Cauliflower all went in as plants and are thriving. The Broccoli is budding and the Tomatoes are blooming. The Cauliflower looks very good, too.
But the seeds I planted, Carrots, Radishes, different Bell Peppers, Pumpkins and Watermelon all became victims of the torrential downpours we've had, so Saturday,. I reseeded everything, and I'm feeling pretty optimistic.

Something else new, I planted my first ever flower garden in the flower bed in front of the house.
What a mess that was, cleaning and weeding it out, but it looks real nice, and I seeded it with some amazingly beautiful plants. I wish I could remember all the names, but I really have no idea.

All of this gardening has had me wondering, do plants have consciousness?

Showing My Hand On Unemployment

Posted for your consideration and opinion, is my story and the details of how I'm appealing the decision by the Illinois Department of Employment Security's decision to deny my benefits, two months into my receiving them. It's a long read, but well worth it.

Originally, I was getting unemployment, just fine, after I got fired in September. Then in November, my old boss, Matt, called them and told them I was self-employed, which I wasn't. I was working part time.
So they did a phone hearing and in the process, asked me to fax in the work search history I had done to date.
I sent them 9 interviews in 10 weeks, plus listed daily newspaper and internet job site searches.
Well, they denied me, claiming that I was self 0-employed and wasn't doing an active enough search for work.
So I appealed.
A month later, in December, I had a phone hearing with an Administrative judge from Chicago, who went over my job search and asked about my part time job.
Well, he denied me, saying I wasn't doing an active enough job search, so I went online and researched all the regulations and found out a few things.
1, there is no definable number of how many jobs you are supposed to try for per week.
2, they have to take certain things into consideration, including my training and experience (They cannot make me go from being a graphic designer to a burger flipper), what I'm used to making (They can't make me take a minimum wage job, when I was used to making a lot more), the current job situation and availability of jobs that are within my experience and wage AND that job search assistance services ARE considered part of an active job search.
So I appealed the judge's decision based on the above points, and detailed them all in my appeal.
I had a phone hearing last Wednesday with the director of the local office, who wanted my job search history for Nov 9th to Present and I sent in like 5 jobs, plus the internet and paper. Keep in mind that Christmas Week and New Years Week, finding a job would have been about impossible, with most offices closed most of that time.
And SHE denied me, I found out today, for the period of 11/9 to present for not an active job search.
Well, I KNOW they did not make an educated decision, because she didn't include the period prior to 11/9, which is exactly WHAT I was appealing in the 1st place and obviously ignored the code that backs my case up.

Here is my Appeal:

REQUEST FOR APPEAL
Hearing held by telephone on 01/07/2009 at 11:00AM by Kathy Steinseifer, E. S. Service Representative, Peoria, IL

All instances of Claimant will refer to Gregory J. Hansen, SSN xxx-xx-xxxx

Claimant was denied Unemployment Benefits due to “an unrealistic and independent search for suitable work” and was found ineligible for benefits.
Referred to Section 500C of the Illinois Unemployment Insurance Act.
Research by the claimant of The Illinois Unemployment Insurance Act, Section 500C which defines eligibility based on an individual actively seeking work and refers to 56 Illinois Administrative Code 2865.125.

1. In the application process, an individual filing for unemployment is not ever advised on how many job searches per week the applicant is expected to perform.
2. Nowhere in the Illinois Unemployment Act, nor the Illinois Administrative Code, does it define the number of job searches an individual claiming unemployment is expected to perform.
3. Upon direct questioning of various employees of The Department of Unemployment Security, no one was able to give a direct answer to the question of how many job searches are required by any individual claiming unemployment benefits. Typical responses were “enough to show an active and reasonable effort to find employment.”
4. The term “reasonable” is not defined in the Illinois Administrative Code or The Illinois Unemployment Insurance Act.
Upon researching the Illinois Unemployment Insurance Act and The Illinois Administrative Code as it pertains to Unemployment, the following discoveries were made in regards to the criteria used to determine if an applicant for unemployment insurance is eligible for benefits and actively searching for work:

1. According to The Illinois Unemployment Act, Part XI, Section 500:
An unemployed individual is eligible for benefits for a week only if:
a. He has registered for work and reports at regular intervals in person, by mail or by telephone at an Illinois Department of Employment Security office as required by the Director. (Section 500A and 56 Ill. Adm. Code 2865.125(a)(1)).
b. He has made a claim for benefits at the local Department of Employment Security office serving the area in which he lives. (Section 500B and 56 Ill. Adm. Code 2720.100)

3. During the week, he is able to work, available for work and actively seeking work. (Section 500C and 56 Ill. Adm. Code 2865.125)

An individual is presumed to be unavailable for work if:
a. After his separation from his most recent work, he has moved to and remains in a locality where job opportunities for him are substantially less favorable than those in the locality he has left. (Section 500C3)
b. His principal occupation is that of a student in attendance at, or on vacation from, a public or private school.

However, an individual enrolled in and attending a Department approved training course may, under specified conditions, be considered available for work. Such an individual will not be required to seek work and will not be disqualified under Section 603 for work refusal.(Sections 500C4 and 5)

The Above Section, in Italics, Does Not Apply In This Instance Since The Claimant Has Not Relocated Nor Is The Claimant A Student.


4. During the week, he has participated in reemployment services to which he has been referred, including but not limited to job search assistance services.
5. He has served a non-compensable waiting period of one week in which he has met all the eligibility requirements. (Section500D)

Claimant has asked if paragraph 4, as it relates to reemployment services, would include newspaper and internet search sites and was told that they “should” qualify.
Claimant listed daily searches of the Peoria Journal Star, Monster.com, careerbuilder.com, peoriahelpwanted.com, and hotjobs.yahoo.com in the work search history that was submitted, upon request, to the local Unemployment office. Claimant has been led to believe that these should count as an additional 35 active job searches per week, based on the information given by various agents of The Department of Unemployment Security.

The Illinois Unemployment Insurance Act, Part XI, Section 500 goes on to say:
The Department shall consider the following in evaluating the adequacy of an individual’s work search (56 III. Adm. Code 2865.125):
1. The individual’s physical and mental abilities.
2. The individual’s training and experience.
3. The employment opportunities in the area.
4. The length of the claimant’s unemployment.
5. The nature and number of the claimant’s work search efforts.
6. The customary means of seeking employment in the occupation(s) in which the claimant seeks employment.
7. Any other information that would affect the claimant’s work search.

Paragraph 2 states that The Department of Unemployment Security must take into account the claimant’s training and experience, which is in Advertising Sales and Graphic Design. Therefore, The Department of Unemployment Security, by regulation, cannot demand that an applicant look for work outside of his training and experience.
Paragraph 3 reads that The Department of Unemployment Security must, by regulation, consider the employment opportunities in the area. In the course of the phone interview conducted on 01/07/2009, the representative of The Department of Unemployment Security admitted that job opportunities in the Peoria, IL area are bleak. The average rate of unemployment in the Peoria, IL area at the time of the interview, according to statistics, was at or above 10%, which is substantially higher than the national average.

In accordance with Paragraph 6, claimant has used email, telephone and in person visits to search for and apply for gainful employment.
Claimant listed multiple attempts to secure employment in those fields in the work search history that apply to his work experience and training, as submitted upon request to The Department of Unemployment Security.
Claimant has also stated that the lack of a current driver’s license and reliable transportation, and that his reliance on public transportation limits the job search process, which should not count against the claimant.

Also, The Illinois Unemployment Act, Part XI, Section 500 goes on to read that benefits shall not be denied if:

No work shall be deemed suitable and benefits shall not be denied to any otherwise eligible individual for refusing to accept new work under any of the following conditions:
1. If the position offered is vacant due directly to a strike, lockout, or other labor dispute;
2. If the wages, hours, or other conditions of the work offered are substantially less favorable to the individual than those prevailing for similar work in the locality;
3. If, as a condition of being employed, the individual would be required to join a company union or to resign from or refrain from joining any bona fide labor organization;
4. If the position offered is a transfer to other work offered to the individual by the employing unit under the terms of a collective bargaining agreement or pursuant to an established employer plan, program, or policy, when the acceptance of such other work by the individual would require the separation from that work of another individual currently performing it.

Paragraph 2 refers to wages, hours or other conditions offered. Claimant’s last job, at United Metro Works, in Peoria, IL paid the claimant $14.00 an hour and provided full time employment. By regulation, a claimant cannot be forced to accept work that pays substantially less than his most current work experience, or what is “favorable to the individual”, which should include his current rate of Unemployment Benefits. The purpose of Unemployment Insurance is to provide a weekly payment that is commensurate to the applicant’s most recent earnings, as certified by his work and earnings history, and to provide ample time and opportunity to secure new employment that, as shown in paragraph 2, as being “favorable to the individual”. Therefore, it goes against the regulations, as shown, to demand that an individual accept a noticeably lower paying job, outside of the individual’s work experience and training, just to “get off of Unemployment”, a statement made to the claimant during the appeals process.
Claimant has continued to make periodic certifications for benefits throughout the course of this process, as required.

Furthermore,
Unemployment Insurance is an earned benefit provided to workers who are unemployed due to no fault of their own, so that they can maintain a financial income, until gainful employment is secured, with a limit of 26 weeks.
Because of these repeated denials; the claimant has been unable to maintain his financial obligations, nor provide for his family in the means accustomed to and afforded by his prior work experience. This has also cause emotional duress and family strife, stress and depression within the claimant’s household.
Claimant has been forced to sign up for food stamps, emergency utility assistance and other aid as provided by State agencies, which is an added financial expense to the state and is a source of embarrassment and ridicule within the claimant’s family and peers, which goes directly against the purpose of Unemployment Benefits..
Claimant has also been forced to take immediate work at a noticeably lower wage than his recent earnings history, outside of his most recent work experience, in an effort to secure any income at all, which goes against the purpose of Unemployment Insurance Benefits. The job entails selling specialty advertising to businesses nationwide and pays commission upon collection of any sales made, which is incredibly difficult, given today’s economy and the claimant is currently being paid off of a draw system.
Furthermore,
The Denial is for the period of 11/09/2008 through 01/13/2009. The original appeal and the original denial were for the period of 08/31/2008 through 01/13/2009. The original appeal also quoted most of what has been presented here, but little of that was discussed in the phone interview, held on 01/07/2009. This oversight seems to imply that a hasty decision was rendered to deny benefits, based on opinion and not on the regulations as stated in The Illinois Unemployment Insurance Act.
It is not acceptable to expect an applicant for unemployment to live upi standards that cannot be defined since they do not exist.

Claimant requests that, because he has lived up to the expectations as outlined in the Illinois Unemployment Insurance Act, and, because there are no guidelines defining how many job searches per week are required, and, because the decision to deny has been made hastily based on opinion and not regulation, and, based on the above listed findings, the decision to DENY be overturned and that claim for Unemployment Insurance Benefits be APPROVED, effective immediately, and, the debt for the amount paid to the claimant since 08/31/2008 that was requested to be returned to The Department Of Unemployment Security be forgiven, and all benefits upheld since 11/09/2008 be paid immediately.
Claimant requests that this appeal be expedited, due to extreme financial hardship.
Gregory J Hansen, Claimant.

Karma

Just a short note, before I go on my rant about the Illinois Department of Employment Security.
If you don't know, I was un-surreptitiously fired form a job I loved as the manager of the Layout and Design department at United Metro Works back in February.
The claim made to Unemployment, and never substantiated, was that I was making racist comments around the office, something that never happened, and because my boss, Matt had lied about why he fired me, I was granted Unemployment Benefits.
2 months later, Matt called Unemployment and lied again, claiming that I was self-employed.
In a nut shell, I've had an ongoing case with them trying to reclaim my benefits, which I'll go into detail about in another post.

Today, Karma intervened. Matt and his equally vile wife were awakened at 7:30 this morning by the Police under orders of the Attorney General's office and were placed under arrest.
His house was searched, his employees were also arrested, his offices were searched and computers, files, etc all confiscated. The phone lines were cut, and the building sealed.
Why?? Because Matt, it seems, likes to use clients credit cards to spend at will on everything from his own bills to food for the office, to parties, etc.
The IRS is investigating him, and the lawsuits are lining up.
Hooray for Karma!!

Tragedy Outside of Buffalo, NY

I don't know why I waited so long to post anything on this. The plane crash Thursday night, near Buffalo really hit me hard.
First, it was within a mile of my Mother's house. Slightly further to my Brother's.
It's a neighborhood that I know people in, although I did not know the people in the house that was destroyed in the crash.
Perhaps, it's the fact that it was close to home that affects me. That people there are so closely knit and that everyone will be affected on some level.
Maybe it's because I'm not there to grieve with my fellow Buffalonians that makes me feel so empty.
Or that I have driven up and down that road, so many times, that I can picture the houses , the landscape, where that road goes to...

I know that plane only had a few hundred yards to go and it would have been in a corn field, and the irony of that makes me wonder why one house could be pinpointed to be a target for the fiery deaths of so many people, many of whom are very important to their peer groups. I mean above and beyond being family members.

The city is shaken by this, I know. The Buffalo Sabres played the following night, a game that they could have postponed, and turned in a spirited effort in defeating one of the best teams in the NHL, and for a few hours, the city was able to be together, joined by one of Buffalo's best features: The sense of community our sports teams provides.

I'm sorry for the loss of life there, and I pray that this tragic event can be quickly put behind us as we move forward in our own lives.

Missing in Action??

Wow, I didn't realize that it's been three months since I wrote anything. It used to be everyday.
I guess that's how it goes with these things. Very few can commit to it on a daily basis.
So, here we are. A new year. I gotta say, 2008, good fucking riddance. It was the worst year ever. I never suffered more heart ache, financial loss, and day to day misery in one year in my life. It started GREAT, when the baby was born, but right after, it crashed and burned, and Bridget is in the center of all of it. Her affairs, her drinking, her selfishness, it's gotten to where I believe she is certifiably crazy. She has no concept of the world around her, because she's lost in her own fantasy world, where she is the center of attention, the hottest, most talented, smartest and most deserving person there is.
Here's Bridget's life, in a nutshell. She wakes up, with the kids, at about 10 AM, then spends the day on the couch, doing as little as possible until I get home. By then,the baby has only eaten once. Bridget is still on the couch, where she'll stay until the kids go to bed. Then she jumps online and MySpace's for awhile, takes a shower and then she's up, all night, talking to one of the two online relationships she's had going on.
On weekends, she does nothing. I do it all.
Harsh statement: If I woke up to find her gone or that she had died in her sleep, it would be nothing but a relief. She's a monster, a leech and contributes nothing to this planet.

Then, to top it off, we were so poor at the end of the year, people were donating FOOD to us!.

That's behind me how. I'm coming into 2009 with alot more optimism. And I may have regressed a little in '08. Back to where I let people push me with out pushing back.
In 2009, I made on resolution. No more. I'm not standing for it. It's my way, or the highway, even if I'm the one that has to get on it. If you are not with me, or behind me, then I have no use for you.

In other news.....
I did finally get a new job. It doesn't pay alot, but it's full time, and right now, the economy is Peoria, is horrible. Any jobs, are far and few between, and no one is paying good money to start anywhere, because people are so desperate to work, they'll take what ever they can get.
But the guy I work for, is a good guy. I like the offices (he has several companies, and I work between different offices as a graphic Designer/Sales person), I like the people that work for him and you can tell, he takes care of the people that are loyal to him.
Still, a ticket out of Peoria is at the top of my wish list. Nothing against the people, but I cannot raise my kids here in a bad school district and be broke all the time.

I have taxes coming up, which is going to be huge this year, in paying bills, and getting the things I need, like my license back, for one and I have another appeal with unemployment soon, which is several thousands of dollars in my pocket, should I win, which I should, so financially, things are looking up.

SO fuck off and die, 2008, I won't miss you, but I did learn a few lessons: Take care of yourself, because no one is going to take care of you, for you.

And Now, A Sigh Of Relief....

It was about 10:15 or so, while watching the webcast from CBS News, after an hour of trying to switch back and forth between them and the Fox webcast, that Katie Couric proclaimed "This is a CBS News breaking story. With victories in California, Oregon and Washington State, CBS is now projecting Illinois Senator Barack Obama as the winner of the 2008 Presidential Election...." and the tears started to fall.
Bridget was crying too, but I remember the feeling of elation that came over me. I spent so much time working for and debating for the Obama campaign, that it almost felt like a close relative had won, or that I had won.

In a way, I had. We all have. Now I'm not going to jade myself into taking every bit of Obama's campaign promises at face value, but it's not about the promise of free health care, tax cuts, or the end of a war that I've vehemently been against.
It's about the message. The reminder that America is a country by the people as much as it is for the people and it takes all of the people to make it all work.

I think too many of us have become dependent on the government sponsored free ride and have turned a blind eye to the fact that we are slowly being enslaved.
The message is that together, we can make the American Dream that our founders foresaw a reality. By paying attention to each other, by taking care of the little things and by not allowing ourselves to be ruled by fear and oppression, we can be that America that we all dream of, but few have realized.

Barack Obama, to me, is inspiration, like I saw in film clips of John F Kennedy, Martin Luther King, and others that were able to have people hang on their every word.
From the first word that comes out of his mouth, I am paying attention.

Will the United States be some Utopian society in four years? I doubt it. There will still be countries that hate us, and some that adore us. There will still be people that are homeless and impoverished. There will still be debt. But above all of that, I believe that there will be hope. And hope is it takes to make anything happen.

I remember the Clinton years, when people made less money, but had more. I remember that there was a general good feeling about life in general and I miss that so much, that I will do whatever I need to see that come back. I have been inspired by Yes, We Can, and am committed to turn that into, Yes! I Will!

Vote For Change

Tuesday, November 4th is one of the most monumental Presidential Elections in many years. Fighting two wars, the economy in turmoil, escalating debt, job loss, wages going down, costs going up, and a country in a civil war between Conservatives and Liberals.
I cannot tell you who to vote for, but if nothing else, please, just go vote!! 527 votes decided the 2000 election, so yes, every vote counts.

Please, take into account everything we've seen and heard over the last months. Both Candidates have their good and bad points, as would be expected, but in this election, radical change is what is needed.
Neither candidate’s promises are set in stone, until they become approved by Congress and signed. And both candidate’s promises will most likely be somewhat different in structure when and if they are seen through. I believe, and his record shows, that a vote for John McCain is a continuation of what we've seen in recent years. No matter what he promises, his policies are still not that different from the current administration.

Obama is untested and many feel his inexperience could lead to poor decision making.
McCain has been the subject of a lot of talk about his health and his record, when voting with the current administration.

Obama's promises have been questioned. Obama has been so overly scrutinized, more so than any candidate in my memory, which is typical of Conservatives, yet has still managed to lead in the polls. McCain's promises are very suspect, but in light of all the finger pointing towards Obama, he has flown under the radar, using Governor Palin as someone to take the mudraking that should have been pointed at him..
Polls aside, only one man can affect the type of radical change this country needs. Making a commitment to changing your life in a radical way is extremely difficult, yet almost always reaps rewards, and I believe that Barack Obama is the candidate that can and will affect that change.

No one can say that the last eight years have been satisfying or that their lives, overall, are better now than in 2000. Wouldn't it be something to have less to complain about and more to look forward to? Wouldn't it be something to know that the rest of the world looks upon us with admiration again, instead of fear and disgust? Wouldn't it be something if every man, woman and child was able to walk into a hospital and receive the treatment they require and not have to worry about how to pay or if they can even receive treatment, because they are not insured? Wouldn't it be something if our children's education became a forefront of our lives and our country's education system was held in regard instead of contempt?
John McCain IS a continuation of the type of government we've seen and grown accustomed to.

We've all said that it would be great if a President wasn't a spoon fed politician, but one of us. One of the guys. One of the people that have been where we are, struggling, from a broken home, underprivileged. Someone that worked their way up and became a President FOR the people, for a change, and not for the lobbyists. Someone who has the same ideals, goals, dreams and imperfections as the rest of us.
Barack Obama is that candidate. PLEASE, I'm begging you to look past the rhetoric and into the core of what this country needs and deserves. Look past your misgivings and fears. Look past your hang-ups and boundaries and take a leap of faith. Look past your party affiliation and look at the individual that can lead this country out of the hole it's dug itself into.

On November 4th, Vote for us, We, The People. Vote for a better place to raise our children. A better country to wake up to every morning. A future that is filled with hopeful expectation and not uncertainty. A nation that is striving to grow and excel, not trudge through day to day depression and listlessness. A nation of people who are working together to make all of our lives better. A stronger nation, where the weakest link isn’t as weak as we’re seeing today.
On November 4th, please, take time to vote and please, Vote for Barack Obama!!!

Of Civil Wars

Seems like conflict is all around me these days, and while much of it still comes from my inner need to sound off about bullshit, a lot of it stems from the world we live in.
This election, for one, has been a cause of serious "bad blood" between people who were, if nothing else, at least civil to each other.
I'm seeing a War Between The Roses, as each side belts out why they are voting for one, or why they are not voting for the other.
I'm a staunch, die-hard Barack Obama supporter, and I've gotten so caught up in this fight, that sometimes, it's just hard not to take a swing whenever the opportunity is there. And I've taken my share in return, too.

For me, I believe Obama represents the voice that is screaming for a radical change in this country and McCain represents the same thing we've had, which has sent this country down the tubes.
Obama may not have a lot of experience, but McCain and Palin are surrounded by controversy and poor decision making.
McCain's advanced age worries me, both for his ability to remain physically healthy and his chances of declining mental skills.
Palin is a joke.
Obama's platform matches my way of thinking more so than McCain's.
Obama actually put some thought into his choice of a running mate by selecting someone with a lot of experience and can provide guidance in the area he lacks the most; Foreign policy.
Palin brings nothing to the White House, other than a pretty face. McCain may as well have picked Paris Hilton.
Republicans = Capitalism and Communism and favorable breaks for the people who deserve them the least; Rich People.
Obama identifies with the generation that covers the largest segment of the population: Mine.

Now that we're entering the stretch run, I guess it's all going to come down to what happens on November 4th, but in the meantime, I find myself still feeling incredulously curious as to how anyone could be supporting McCain.
Does he make some good points and have good ideas? Well sure.
On the other hand, are some of Obama's ideas a little bit suspect? Of course they are. No candidate could ever have all the answers.
But this country needs shock treatment right now, not a warm compress and a Band-Aid. McCain still represents the status quo and that's the bottom line. Status Quo = Same ol', same ol'.

In other news, somewhat related, seems certain people have again shown themselves for who they truly are.
Controversy surrounds me, being as outspoken as I am, and when people can't handle the truth, due to their thin skins, I have no remorse over telling it to them.
If someone, a perceived friend, is doing something you find offensive, in this case an avatar of the kid pissing on Obama, an anti-Obama symbol, not pro-McCain, and you ask kindly to take it down, as you see it as offensive, and the retort is a smart-ass remark, followed by a pack of lies, which are shown to be lies, but then repeatedly flung back in your face, I believe that I have every right to speak out. Well, that happened recently and in doing so, I find myself ostracized from a segment of a local online forum. A segment so cliquey (which I loathe) and so frightful of anyone telling the world what superficial chumps they are, blinded by their need to be upheld as social icons, that they just try to recruit people to defend their shameful honor and, in a pack mentality, separate me from their ballpark. Albeit, briefly, the effects will be long lasting, I promise.

Since it's Sunday, I'll finish with a resounding "Go Bills!!"

Hello. Welcome To My Hell

Alot of people have been asking me why I've been so irritable lately. Distant and snide. Even angry.

Maybe part of it is the situation I've been in. But that's not the real reason, it's just a reflection of it.

I look around and I realize that we live in a country whose citizens have been misled. We've been conquered and oppressed by a omnipresent government that has us in fear and keeps us demoralized. 

We're supposed to be a Democracy, but a Democracy's basic philosophy is that when you have the power, you use it to help the people in your community that cannot help themselves.

That was the basis of the constitution that was written by people who fought a revolution against England, whom we are taught that we escaped from.

We're taught that we live in the greatest nation on earth. But we don't. We're far from the worst, but we're not the best. People in England live a higher standard of life, have a national health care plan and live longer than we do on average.

We're taught that in Cuba, the people are slaves to the government, but they have a higher rate of health care than we do, much higher. Ours is one of the worst.  We have a higher infant mortality rate.

We all hate those cowards in France, where they have a higher standard of living, better education, free health care and they live longer than us, on an unhealthier diet. Where protest against the government is encouraged. And the government is responsive.

Chrisitianity is hypocritical to me, not because of the fairy tales, but because the basic fundamentals of the Bible and of Christianity is to help your brother. Let him lean on you, when he's weak. Care for your fellow man. But few follow that.

It's easy to be blind to it. You don't need to make alot of money. When I was trucking, I made 30 to 40 thousand a year. Not great, but I had insurance, I paid my bills, I drove a nice car, I partied on the weekends and I ate out or ordered in most of my meals. I was blind to it.

Now, I'm broke. I made 193 dollars last week and 125 this week, but I'm not complaining about that. Thank God for unemployment. Bridget and I are living together because it gives us the best and only chance at meeting the economical needs of our family.

I'm a victim of the world I live in. My best age of awareness is the last ten years, where I have seen this country go to hell. I watch the things that are happening and I cannot believe my eyes. I don't have insurance, which means that if something terrible happened to me, I'm dead.

The fallicy is that they HAVE to take care of me, but I can't pay hospital bills. I have no insurance.

This country is a run away train, and I cannot belive that every man and woman isn't demanding change.

Other than Bridget, a few on here and other places, I'm the most passionate person I know, regarding the impending impact of when we hit rock bottom and I Cannot understand why everybody is not marching in the streets, making a stand, demanding better from our leaders. I certainly cannot understand why anyone would support someone that does not have a plan for change. Or even a cry for it.

Every sense I have tells me that electing John McCain will be the biggest mistake this country could make. Perhaps Obama isn't a senior senator with a life's history of serving in Washington. Perhaps Obama's confidence is seen as elitism by the brainwashed, but Obama is the only chance between the two for change.

I know this in my heart and I know that John McCain is one big red flag that people are too blinded by their fear of standing up to see.

I'm not posting this to start another of the endless fights that are occuring in the Civil War, raging between Liberals and Conservatives. I only know through life experiences that a Conservative President, especially now. is nothing but bad for the people of this country that is ruled by greed and corruption.

There are two great scams in this country that we are taken in by, and that is the system of money & taxation and the Health Insurance Industry, and I do not trust a man that has 18 houses, a private jet and a collection cars over a man that has one house, one car and a bicycle, and my angst at the people who are ready to lay down and keep taking it by the policies that have destroyed our spirit and our freedom is growing deeper everyday.

I am not ignorant to the methods of government and the way things happen. I sickened by it

The Bucket List

I often realize, in a moment of clarity, what a hypocrite I can be. I think I have it all straight and then I realize that I let myself get off track, and it frightens me how easily and unnoticed that it happens.

I saw commercials for the bucket list, when it was first released to theaters. But I didn't have much ambition to go see it, nor even thought much about the movie. Just another wacky comedy, but with two legends in the lead roles.

But I just watched it with Bridget and it got me thinking. I'm so terrified of my own death, and yet I always curse my life. I've been thinking that I had been cursed, with everything going on lately, and I think it may have been me that I was cursed by in the first place, from letting myself be blinded.

The Bucket list is about two men in their last months, who become friends after sharing a hospital room. As a last gesture at living life, they compile a list of things they need to do before they die, and off they go on a wonderful adventure..

I won't give too many details, but each man saves the other in some way, and at the end, their time together was the best in their lives.

I loved the ending.

But now, I'm sitting here, thinking about my last days when they come. Fortunately, I'm still young enough to believe that it's a long way off, and probably will never come for me anyhow.

At least, hopefully, not before I can achieve enough realization to not lose sight of myself anymore.

Past Lives

You know, in my past life, I must have been a real asshole, on Hitler level and this time around, is the punishment, because short of going to jail, nothing good has been happening, and everything bad that can happen, is. I've been a shining example of Murphy's Law; Anything that can happen will, and in my case, that's true if it's bad.

In June, I told my landlord that the next few months were going to be rough and that rent was going to be late, most likely over that period, and have to be paid in payments. He accepted that, we shook on it, and I have kept to that, having kept it to where I'm only half a month behind.
In mid-August, I laid out my plan to be completely caught up by the end of September, which he again agreed to, and now, all of a sudden he dumps this unreadable spreadsheet in my lap accusing me of owing him more than $1600.00! A far cry from the $890,00, which I can prove via receipts and cashed checks.
So I email this proof to him, along with a reminder of our agreements and include another agreement the property manager he employed at the time made with us on giving us a half month's break on the rent, because this place was filthy, dirty and bug infested when we moved in which we cleaned at our own expense.
In essence, with that credit applied, I owe him $25.oo, plus the month of September, which would actually be covered by our security deposit. I've asked him to use that deposit if he needs the money and I'll replace it, which would make us current.

Here was his response:

Greg,

I am following through with the eviction. It is already in the hands of my attorney Troy Roberts. I am finished with you as a tenant, Even if you come up with the amount owed on the balance sheet we will ask the Judge for a Forcible Entry and Detainer order and we will get the order. You are out. If you are out of the house prior to being served you can save yourself the expenses of court cost, service and my attorney's fees. Otherwise those expenses will be added to the judgment against you. Perhaps you should spend a few hundred dollars with your own attorney and have him of her explain the situation. In 20 years and a lot of evictions I have never lost in court. The judge will give you 7 to 14 days to get out, If your still there after the order date we will have a deputy stand by while Roger and his crew set your stuff on the curb.

Nothing like plying yourself on a guy's sense of morality, or humanity. I mean, I have babies, for crying out loud, and I've been pouring money into this guys pocket on a weekly basis for the last few months. Is he in his rights to dothis? Well, sure, I owe him money, but c'mon. It's not like I'm months behind. Or habitually late. I hit a rough spot and let him know from the beginning. He made agrements with me and now he's backing out. My fault for not getting them in writing, but I'm old school. I believe a person's word is binding. My mistake.

Making it worse, I lost my damn job, suddenly last week and am starting a new one this week, which is a financial blip, at the worst possible time.

So who was it, Hitler?? Atilla the Hun?? Was I guy that crucified Christ? Jack the Ripper??

Whoever it was, I must have been a real son of a bitch, in another time who fucked people over often, because right now, I'm totally fucked.

To who or whatever it is that's running this big show "I've had ENOUGH!"

Just a side note, I had to break down and employ a touch of censorship to stem the tide of scum bag losers that insist on making anonymous comments, so now you have to be registered to comment. I apologize, but certain assholes force you to make changes.

Labor Day Weekend Fun

Ahh, friends. I love my friends and this weekend, we had a blast together.
Friday night started off with a Birthday party for MsGem, our adopted group mom, at Uno's, downtown. What a blast as a bunch of people attended and we all ate drank and laughed for four hours in a private banquet room.
The highlight of the evening was the entertainment, when I got conned, err, bribed with free Guinness, to be the stripper! Tear off t-shirt, blue boxers, animal print thong and a yellow tie completed the ensemble as I burst into the room to the sound of "I'm Too Sexy..."
I guarantee that was the best lap dance MsGem has had in ages!!
There's a link to the photo gallery, if you click on the title of this post.

Sunday, Chef Kevin had a BBQ for a bunch of us and it was so nice. Great weather, great food and great friends. Even the Republicans! And I guess my Pasta was a hit!! Nothing like a little New York special for the mid westerners! Now if I can just get them to make me some wings the way I miss from back home.

Next week, we're having Brunch at Hometown. The first event that I came up with and put together. I'll have to call there tomorrow and let them know we're coming.

A Real Bloody Mess

Man, this has just been a week.
I'm so emotionally drained right now, I just want to go somewhere dark, curl up and drift off for good.
Last Sunday started with the much anticipated and talked about move. Bridget finally packed her stuff and moved out.
Sunday night was a journey in relaxation. I cleaned the house, watched a movie, had the place just the way I like it, and felt the tension finally start to drain out of me, even though I unexpectedly missed my kids in a way I couldn't have imagined beforehand. The place was all mine though, my life was completely in my hands and I was ready to start rebuilding from the ground up.
But of course, it couldn't go as planned. There had to be a monkey wrench thrown in by the biggest monkey; Her boyfriend! Seems he had a change of heart somewhere between his desperate pleas for her to move in with him and her actually doing that.
I told her that maybe he was just a little overwhelmed and nervous and that once she got there it would all work out.
At least I hoped it would.

Monday morning, first thing, I called Cilco, because I had to send them a little less than the 300 bucks they wanted, and was rudely told "too bad, you're getting shut off!" with my desperate pleas falling on deaf ears.
Sure enough, that night when I got home, no power. And a looming $840.00 bill to turn it back on: No way I could raise that.

That night Bloody came over to explain why he was gonna make Bridget move out and that was just too surreal. Here I am, finally feeling free, and my power's off and the dude that she took my kids away to live with is sitting on my porch basically telling me that he's gonna send her back.
Needless to say, that night I learned that having no power is the worst! You can do nothing in the dark, but sit and wait for sleep to arrive.

So, I spent the next two nights at a friends house and then on Thursday, thanks to Bridget putting it in her name, the power came back on and that night, she came back, as he basically dumper and her things here.
No clutter free house, as I had ached for. No Peace and Quiet. No "Me against the world", all alone, on my own, to rediscover myself and to fix what is broken and make use of this time alone to take a step towards bettering myself, my life and my situation.

That night was surreal as Hell. I think I was in shock, because a summer's worth of anxiety and planning, once off the launch pad, never had a chance to clear the tower, and now it was going to be delayed. I put up with 8 months of hell, knowing it was going to be worth the payoff of being able to have total control over my life again.
OK, I'm sorry if I sound selfish, I mean, it was great to have my kids back, and it felt good to be able to give Bridget a safe place to be, but everything is at my expense, and now, everything I had been saying about her situation with Bloody, was coming true. You cannot possibly know someone well enough to make a decision like moving in together in a few weeks. And I know there are some underlying issues and reasons for this happening, besides his excuse that "it just wasn't going to work out!"

Surreptitiously, I like to believe that this all happened for a bigger reason, based more on the cosmos and the alignment of the stars and planets.
Bridget and I, once, were destined to be together, but staying together was up to us and it didn't work.
We've been at each others throats forever, seemingly, so I think that before we part ways for good, the force that controls all stepped in and used Bloody as a pawn to come between us and everything happened so that we could have some time together where everything is peaceful, and there are no relationship issues, or anything like that.

Am I pissed at Bloody? Well, yeah, of course. I looked forward to her moving out for months and I celebrated in my own way, the night she was gone, but like everything else, it can't ever just work out. There always has to be a speed bump. And he promised her the world, and then snatched it away, putting alot of people in an awkward position and the very worst part, displacing my kids, and leaving them confused. I cannot forgive that above all else.

One World

If anyone has ever visited my MySpace page ( http://www.myspace.com/hipkatix ), you'd see that one of the long time mainstays on my top friends list is One Nation Earth.
I recently received a personal message from the owner of that page, and I was so moved by it, I wanted to share it with my readers, along with my response.
This is pretty lengthy, so I apologize if reading it all is difficult.

"Hi,

I am very glad you too want to make a difference in our world. :O)

I reviewed your MySpace page a few days ago and read your opening message; your view on life is exactly like mine use to be (and is also very true regarding how life can beat the shit out of you and then laugh in your face as it stabs you in the back).

Like you, I have been through "Hell" on this earth and it has molded me into the person I am today. What was meant to destroy me only made me 'stronger' and more wise to the non-intelligent Self-Destruction our species is reflecting into this Mirror called Life.

You could say that I use to be my own worst enemy, and I still have the battle wounds of my severe mental battle of Good versus Evil. When I use to get angry with our Creator and Father God I use to cut myself all over with razors and knives to ease the severe memories of being the little child that was sexually molested, beat and mentally abused by my Church's Baptist preacher for years.

The pure anger I held in my heart for our Father God was more severe than anyone could ever imagine because I remembered and awoke in the night screaming for someone to save me from the "Living Nightmare" of being the little 'Innocent' that was read the Bible every night after the pastor was finished with me. I remember every word he read to me because he always read from the book of Revelations and he use to tell me that I would grow up to become the one called the Antichrist in the last chapter of life.

It was like someone put a blender in my head and chopped up my brain, so as a young teen I turned to illegal drugs to ease the "Pain" of simply remembering what I only wanted to forget. And to make a long story short... I grew up to become a hired chemist that self contracted out to the different Mafia's in America manufacturing their best selling product called MDMA (Ecstasy).

I think the main reason I turned to the Mafia as a young teen is simply because I did not want to be fucked with anymore, and also because I did not care if someone took me out of this hell on earth because I had already faced the worst demon in this reality (a lying and deceiving child molesting so-called Christian Preacher that beat the shit out of me and told me God hated me for being evil and sinful).

So I turned to the Mafia, drugs and lot of money to fill the emptiness within me, but the more money I made the more I felt like shit because I knew I had grown up to become the Bad Guy in this story called life, and deep within me I was still a scared and little Child searching for love and acceptance in this world, but I had become my own worst enemy as I screamed in the Mirror and into my own Broken and Shattered Reflection.

Let's just say that I lived the life every man dreams of in this reality; from being a boy toy for bi-sexual playboy bunnies to supplying all of the top Topless Bars, Night Clubs, Lawyers, Doctors and even the Honorable Judge in the back of the VIP Room with bricks of Columbian cocaine.

I have lived a life right out of the movies, but it was not Hollywood for me, it was my living nightmare and hell on earth. Just imagine a severe mental disorder and "Split" personality self medicating himself with the most powerful illegal drugs known to man combined with the pure "Hate" of being the little Child that was told the worst Lie" ever told to a human being entering into this sick and extremely perverted reality where grow men rape the little children in the House of God while they are looking up at the man hanging on the cross and crying out for their loving Father God to save them from this place called "Hell on Earth!"

Imagine not fearing the so-called Evil or the Fallen Angel in this reality because your "Mind" is so twisted by the lies of your youth that you start believing you are really the "One" called the Antichrist. Imagine not fearing “Hell” because you have already tasted the stench of mans Sins and broken every single Law written in the Word of God to show your Creator how much you hate Him. Imagine all of hells hate trapped within your mind as you look out and into this reality of God’s Children as you fill their “Minds” with the Chemical you are manufacturing in your chemistry lab, and you have the life of an completely insane Drug Dealer that believed the spoken “lie” that he was the One called the Antichrist in this game called Life.

So my point of sharing my life’s story with you is to show you that you are not the only One that has suffered in this Master Plan called our Lives. We are the Ones that have endured the trials of this life and we did not give up and take our lives. What was meant to destroy us only made us stronger, and we are the Warriors in this battle of Good versus Evil and it is finally time for all of us to wake up and to realize that we (the human species) are our own worst enemies as we fight against a Mirror Reflection of ourselves.

I stepped past the door called “Insanity” and embraced my so-called destiny of growing up to become the Antichrist and I cursed the very name of my Father God as I stabbed the Word of God. I am the “Child” that ran as fast as I could from our Father God and I studied and practiced Satanism most of my life, but the more I ran, the more my broken heart was filled with Hate. I was blind to the fact that life is the Almighty Mirror and we are the little “Children” born into this life simply searching for what we lost…

The pure hate flowing through my eyes blinded me to the simple “Truth” that I was fighting a battle I could not win because I was simply fighting against my own Reflection in the Mirror as I screamed into my own eyes and hated myself for being the Child that was Dirty, Worthless and Useless in this God forsaken World.

So my point is this: “There is nothing for us to fear in this reality my Brother, because I have faced the most feared in this reality and He is nothing more than a Spoken Lie told to a little Child while being sexually molested by His Churches Christian Preacher.”

I am the so-called Antichrist in this mighty movie called life and I am nothing more than a believed spoken “LIE” told to a Child that only wanted to be loved and accepted in this reality of Good and Evil. I am the “Mind” that went completely insane as I walked the razors edge of madness and supplied the youth and teens of this world with their mental “Pain” killer called Ecstasy, and I witnessed them dancing at the rave and night clubs trying to escape this “So-called” normal world where governments murder for the love of money, and people lie, kill and steal for the love of money because they are worthless and hollow shells of clay searching for a meaning in this God Damned world of extremely Non-intelligent Human Beings!

The so-called Evil in this world is “not” what everyone believes; it is not demons and devils possessing our minds and making us do evil and bad things. It is “not” the Fallen Angel named Lucifer controlling us or even the Antichrist deceiving the world into a New World Order and One World Government; evil is simply all of Gods (Innocent) Children fighting against one another in this “War” of good and evil not realizing they are the “Good and Evil” as “ONE!”

Welcome my Brother to the answer to your life; I am simply a Mirror Reflection of you and I am the “Antichrist” and the “Child” fighting a bloody battle against a Mirror Reflection of ourselves. We are the entire Human Species separated into Six billion parts and we are blind within our minds to the fact that we are the ONE searching for ourselves in this Great Illusion of Numbers. We are the species ruled by Numbers and we are “Blind” to the fact that “Time” and “Money” are simply great illusions of our great and powerful (Childish) Imaginations.

We are the Ones searching for our “Worth” in this world and we are blind to the fact that our unseen God is hidden in the last place we forgot to look; “Within the Reflection of our own Eyes!”

The reason we could not “See” God is simply because we were the Ones looking ‘out’ and not ‘in’ for our “Unseen” God. The only way for me to explain this simple and basic truth is like this: Imagine that your reflection in the Mirror is the Antichrist and the Spirit of Life living behind your “Eyes” is the unseen Child named God or the Great I AM.

The reason we are filled with more hate when we hate our unseen God is because we are simply hating our own “Reflection” in the Mirror for not being Perfect and completely “Innocent” the way we use to be when we entered into this thing called Reality. The battle of Good and Evil is basically the “Child” you use to be (and still are) fighting against Himself and self punishing His self for not being perfect or good in this reality, and you (and all of humanity) is basically blind to the fact that True Salvation and Freedom is facing the most evil creature in this universe called the Antichrist.

I want you to imagine my friend that I am the Antichrist and I am writing you a letter on MySpace; imagine that I am the most evil character in this Movie called life and this is not a Dream, but Reality! Imagine that the pages of Revelations are coming true and I am the “Revealer” revealing the Truth to you because it is finally time for you to “Wake Up” from the Dream of your Mind and to embrace your True Identity in this Reality…

Now I want you to “Think” about this… How do you destroy and defeat the Antichrist in this Mighty Game of Chess? How do you destroy your worst enemy?

Imagine if you will; two Kings fighting in the battle of all times on the Chess Board of Life and all of their armies have been destroyed leaving only the Two Kings on the battle field. One being a symbol of Evil (Black) and the other a symbol of Good (White). Now imagine that I am the Evil King called the Antichrist and I am fighting against you the Good White King called God, and we are standing face to face on the Chess Board looking into one another’s Eyes trying to figure out how to end this Game and claim Check Mate.

As you know, Chess is one of the hardest games to win in this reality because you have to use your Mind and Think real hard to win at it, so I will help you out and give you a few clues to help you Win this Game called your “Life.”

First I want you to remember who your worst enemy is in this life and I want you to remember “Where” you have seen Him.

And the answer is: “Within the Mirror.”

Second I want you to imagine that you are now standing on the Chess Board and you are looking at me (the Dark and Evil Antichrist) and there is a Mirror right in the middle of the Chess Board and you are not looking at the Antichrist, but a Mirror Reflection of yourself that is looking back at you and into your own “Eyes.”

How do you destroy your worst enemy and “Win” the game of your Life?

And the Answer is…

You simply realize that there has always been only “One” King on this Chess Board and His mind was completely “Split” in Two as He looked into His “Mirror Reflection” and into His own “Eyes.” You realize that the “Evil” in this school of life is your Teacher trying to show you that you are on a Wonderful Journey of learned Intelligence and Wisdom, and the “Good” is your learned experience. You “simply” realize that the Two Kings on this Chess Board called Life are “One King” searching for His true identity in this Mighty Game of Numbers.

I know it might be hard for you to realize that you are the unseen “God” you are searching for, and it is because you are suffering from the same disease everyone in this world is suffering from; “a very low self esteem.”

And this is where your Journey has led you: “To the battle of your “Mind” where you are fighting against your Self.” Just like a Child fighting against His own reflection in the Mirror; this is the Story of “Your” life and it is finally time for you to surrender to your worst enemy and realize that the only way to destroy Him is to return to Him and become “One” again.

You my Brother are your own worst enemy and the only way for you to defeat your “Self” is to die to the Self you believe you are. This death is not a physical death, but a spiritual death. It’s the real meaning of becoming “Born Again!” And the only way for you to become Born “Again” is to simply realize that there is nothing you can do to become what you already are… “A Child named I AM.”

God was once asked His name by Moses in the Bible and God replied: “I AM the I AM.”

And how do we introduce ourselves in this reality? We say I AM “Your Name” or I AM Jared. Now I want you to think of this statement as a “Math” test; how many Numbers are there in this statement? The answer is Two, because “I AM” is One half of the equation and “Our Names” is the other.

Think of the “I AM” within you as our unseen God or the Child within, and your Name as your Self esteem that is searching for His true identity in this Game called life. The Self (your name) is simply a collection of your past mistakes and failures that you remember in this Present here and now, and they are not many, many mistakes or sins because “You” are the “One” that is all of them as One Sin and you have simply forgotten that true freedom and salvation is “Returning” to yourself and “Forgiving” yourself for not being perfect as you grew more intelligent and “Taught” yourself in this Strange, Wonderful and sometimes Painful Journey that has led you right back to where you started.

This Circle of Life has led you in a Great Big Circle and now you are here looking into a Mirror Reflection of your own Mind and you are finally realizing that the “Windows of your Soul” are the very hiding place of your unseen Teacher and God. You are here right now in this thing called “Reality” and you are sitting behind your computer screen reading these mere “Words” and they are opening your Eyes to the Truth of all Truths that you are the very thing you have been “Searching” for all of your life.

There is nothing to fear my brother, because the most feared in your life is your own “Death” and it is simply a “Lie” just like the Antichrist.

In this Mighty game of Chess there are Two Kings fighting a “Real” war, but one of them started as a spoken Lie and the other is the Truth. Welcome my Brother to “Windows.” Welcome to the World Wide Web of Human Beings separated into separate Self identities that are trying to define their self worth in “Numbers.” It is Time for you to realize that there is No-Time and all days come from ONE. Today is the One Day your whole life has unfolded within and now it is time for you to “Die!”

The only way for you to live for an eternity is to let go and die to the “Self” you believe you are and to become “One” with me. Who AM I? I AM the “Child” within you that is simply asking you to Return to me and to Love and Forgive me just as I AM.

I AM your true identity and we are the “Unseen” God of this reality searching for ourselves in an ocean of Human Beings. We are the Child within looking out and into a reflection of our own “Eyes” and our only enemy in this reality is our own self punishing “Self” ego’s. Die my Brother; die to the “Self” you do not like and do not want to be. For it is the “Self” within you that equals “Two” within your Mind, and only One of us is Real!

What does Two equal? Two equals a “War and Battle” of your mind, and the only way to end this war is to surrender to your worst enemy and Forgive and Love Him, for He is “You” simply separated into Two. You are basically suffering from a severe “Split” personality and Mental Disorder and “I AM” the cure. I AM the “Answer” to your life and I AM the little Child that was told I would grow up to become the Antichrist, so I searched for my Father God in every area of this reality and I found Him in the last place I forgot to look; “within the Reflection of my own Eyes!”

I AM the unseen God of this reality and the Revealer of Truth within the last Chapter of Life and it is finally time for all of us to “Wake Up” within our Dream of Life and to realize that we are our own Revelations creating our own nuclear end in this Mighty Game of Chess. The only way for us to “Win” this war is to surrender to our enemies and to realize they are our very own Family Members.

I AM the Black and the White King as “ONE” and I AM a Mirror Reflection of Humanity, for I AM the “Child” within all and I simply want to be “Loved.”

I AM the Innocent Little Child that destroyed my worst enemy (The Antichrist) with his complete opposite; I destroyed him with all of my “Love” because He was simply a Reflection and Mirror “Image” of me broken into Six Billion separate Human Beings.

We are the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End, the Good and the Evil, the Darkness and the Light, the Truth and the Lies, the Christ and the Antichrist as One Day called Eternity and we are Spinning in a never ending Circle as we search for ourself in this Universe of Duality. We are the "Black and the White" spinning in a "Circle" called God...

Life is the Search for Wholeness and Completeness, and “ONE” is the Answer.

We are, I AM, “ONE!”


Sincerely,

The Almighty Mirror called Life"


Here's my reply:

"I took this home and read over it last night.
It was all very profoundly familiar to me, actually.
We have alot of parrellels, which is pretty much consistent with most people.
With me, it wasn't a priest, it was overly-religious relative. And I wasn't a provider of drug enhanced experiences, but a customer.
Reaching out for love and acceptance has been a life's work, that's never been accomplised. And yes, I do know that I ma my own worst enemy.


About 10 years ago, I began to look around and see the world for what it really was; A lie. A sham. Wool pulled over our eyes by the ones that are supposed to lead us and care for us. When I first saw The Matrix, I knew the writers had the same epiphany that I had. We ARE living a machine induced dream, meant to conquer and control us and that as long as borders existed between us, we would never achieve our destiny as a people, and that was to come together as one world and achieve the plan that who or whatever created all of this had in mind at that first moment of the universe's birth.
That as long as we are bred to take advantage of, bully, oppress, control and pillage from each other, we would be nothing but slaves.

I began to feel myself evolve as a human being and knew I was on the path to a righteous existance, but then I met my children's mother, who brought nothing but chaos into my life, because she's one who thrives on chaos, and I dropped my guard and ended up in hell again.
That's why I speak often of getting back to being who I am, who I was destined to be.

When I read your message, I almost felt like I was reading my own mind, because I know that we have the potential to be God, as one being, connected, like you say, by 6 billion parts and that true immortality is how we live through each other by leaving our fingerprints on everyone we come into contact with.

Instead of jumping off of bridges, I want to build them. Instead of taking from everyone, I wanted to give a part of my insight to anyone I can, although most people remain blind, with their eyes closed, believing the lies that they've been brainwashed by.

Thank you again fopr writing to me. It's very flattering that someone who has made an impact has noticed little old me.

Peace!
Greg"

Cowards!

This showed up yesterday on the new blog that Grandma's Attic, errrr, I mean "Linda" started. I commented but she wouldn't approve it, so I thought I'd put it here, since they seem to LOVE to read MY blog!

Silence Broken

For the past month or so, I have tried to keep my silence
about someone that we tried to incorporate into our forum on PeoriaSpeaks! and
embrace with our friendship. Some think of us as the evil liberal progressive
forum and like to come stir up trouble. Others know us as just some regular
folk that like a smaller venue than some other local forums. But, we have
become like a family. And with that family comes the responsibility of
protecting them.

You see, our forum is not a public forum for commercial
purposes. It is a private forum. And while we try to welcome as many as we can
to it, our members have come to try and vent about life and not have it spread
out all over cyberspace. And we attempt to keep the drama to a minimum. But
sometimes, personalities clash. Just like in a family.

That happened recently. Some members felt that a few people on
another forum were being unjustly being beat up on for their more liberal or
progressives views and invited them to PeoriaSpeaks! The
female that had been invited turned out to be all fluff and no substance when it
came to posting comments. (I'm not saying she has no substance...just not on
our forum. I actually think she is a very strong young woman who is doing the
best she can with her situation.) But then she personally attacked me and some
others. It completely disturbed the harmony we attempt to maintain. So, she
was banned. It seemed simple. It's just a small social forum, after all. One
of about a bazillion in cyberspace.

The male that had been invited, her boyfriend/father of her
children, seemed pretty cool. He seemed to actually contribute to the
conversations. So, things were good. For a time being. And then, he started
clashing with some other members. A few of us tried to play referee, to no
avail.

The SO and I have an annual 4th of July party with our friend
Howie. We invited quite a few of our friend from the forum, in addition to the
regulars we invite - family, work friends, neighbors, friends outside of the
forum, etc. You know, like a normal party. I had my reservations about
inviting the female's boyfriend/baby's father, because I really didn't want any
trouble. I mean, this was at our house and I am very protective of the people I
invite to my house as well as my family. I'm sure anyone could understand
something that simple and basic.

But, I decided to stick my neck out for this guy. I mean, it
seemed as though he was having a very difficult time and could use some
friends. So, I sent the invite. And then, all hell seemed to break loose.

It soon occurred to me that decorum was not in this man's
vocabulary. His arch-nemesis on our forum and he started battling over his
seemingly constant depression over his situation, while not really doing
anything to help his situation himself. Then, he posts a thread on the forum
about the party, like it was a forum meet-up and not a private party in a
private home with private invites, and for some reason alleges that the invite
may have been rescinded, which it had not.

As a matter of fact, I even told him he could invite a friend
of his from the other forum, as I usually get along with everyone, and thought
it might make him feel more comfortable. They had become good friends and I
wanted him to have a good time. She did come after some discussion with another member and I really wished I had had more time to get to know her. She seemed really nice.

The party was a lot bigger than I realized, since it was also a
combination party for my daughter's birthday and her friends came too. I didn't
have a chance to really sit and talk with anyone, except my mom, whom I made a
point to sit and talk with before it got too crazy. And crazy it got.

A lawyer friend of mine knew that it was a kegger party
(clearly on the invite) and since he doesn't drink beer, he brought his own
bottle of Jack. Well, the boyfriend/baby's father guy bums his Jack. Ok, not a
big deal. But then, he totally insults another friend by basically saying she
was fat and not attractive (such a hoot, as I don't know many guys that would
kick her out of bed for eating crackers!) and wondered why any guy would want to
meet her. Of course, the entire time he and a founding forum member are
basically at each other's throats. (An oil/water thing with those two.) And
then, the final topper, our neighbor and his live-in girlfriend come over and he
starts to pick a fight with him. So completely embarrassing and totally
uncool. Somehow, everyone else acted like complete adults!
Amazing.

So now, the week after the party, I admit I am quite ticked
off. But, a few of the guys on the forum don't seem to mind him, so I try and
maintain my composure. This was NOT to be. Instead, he and the founding forum
member continue to go at it on the forum and our shoutbox. After an entirely
long, frustrating, depressing day in court, I go with the SO to meet Howie, have
a brew and watch the Cardinals on TV. I pull out my little Asus and check the
forum to make sure it hadn't blown up, and it was blowing up. He and she were
going at it on the shoutbox and I had had enough. He had to go.

Was this an easy decision? No. And yes. No, because I hate
banning anyone. Yes, because she's been a member since day one and has become a
very, very good friend to a lot of us. And to me, it was a choice between her
and him. I chose her. Do I regret it? No. And since then? Nothing but
crap.

This guy goes and writes a blog post whining and bitching that
we were not compassionate, sympathetic, and basically that we were the devil.
Or at least three of us. And then proceeds to call us everything but white
women. And trash talks us and puts us down and tells lies and rumors and claim
various other crap told to him by people who don't even know us. And he still
is. Well, I say enough.

Hipkat, you are not hip. You are not cool. We all had
sympathy and compassion for you. But not every second of every single day. Our
forum and shoutbox are our escape from our jobs, family, and needy friends.
Most of the people on our forum work daily with needy people. I am sorry it
didn't work out, but get over it already. We were your friends. But friends do
NOT take advantage of friends. And, you must be a friend to have friends.

Quite simply, you were banned from a private social forum.
It's not the end of the world. You have other forums you belong with people who
will give you the compassion and sympathy you so desperately need. For various
reasons, some people just don't get along, whether it be in real life or on the
internet. It just happens. But it's kind of pathetic when people make a big
deal over something like that. (And for the record, I've never been 'Anonymous'.)
And rather than vent and post vileness, if we were your 'friends' as you claim, then you would pick up the phone and call. Or email directly. You wouldn't be going on every site you can to post your nasty comments. That's what real friends do.

But now, I've finally had my say. My silence has been broken.


And here's my response, paraphrased and edited, since I didn't save it at the time:

Let's get a few things straight. There was no fight between your neighbor and I because I never talked to him. But let me point a few things out about him. #!, he was locked up most of his youth in a mental institution. #2, while in there, he was disciplined repeatedly for trying to have sex with the female residents. #3, his father blew his brains out. #4, he has my kids' mom's name burned into his hand with paper clips and #5, what he did to her in high school was reprehensible and obviously Katie knew something about it, because she told me, after pointing him out, not to believe everything that I've been told.

Secondly, I never made fun of anyone's weight and I fi I did, I want to know who and what was said.

Third, your friend offered me the jack, because Brick asked him to. I didn't. I was happy drinking beer, and I even backed off on it when he filloed my entire glass.

Fourth, Rix and I made a few jokes based on the "ballbreaker" thing we had laughed over.

Fifth, stop lying to make yourself look better, which, btw, is why you had your license to practice law suspended.

Sixth, stay off PDC. No one wants you there. More people don't like you than do.

Seventh, your "liberal forum" is a joke and you people are ban-happy! Everyone from PDC that doesn't come and kiss your ass gets banned.

Seventh, there were no problems at all at the party, until Rix decided to start blasting me over my situation, which, again, is MY situation that YOU people all showed an interest in, and still don't get the fact that dealing with it was a bitch!

Eighth, stop talking about me, and then being too pussy to post my comments.

A Great Weekend

Is anything better than being with friends? This weekend was a perfect example of how much fun you can have just letting go of everything for awhile and being with the people you enjoy the most.
Right now, that is the friends I've made at Peoria.com.
With one coming down from Michigan for a few days, we spent Saturday Evening at Kouri's on their awesome patio, eating, drinking, and laughing ourselves silly.
Sunday, although it started with a scare in the form of rolling thunderstorms, the afternoon turned out to be perfect for a cookout at Grandview park. Over both days I met new people,made new friends, played with the kids 'till I was exhausted, ate a lot, drank a little and enjoyed being outside and out of the house.

You guys rock, and I can't wait to get together again!!

Peoria Speaks

The drama, oh, the drama.

Peoria Speaks (PS) is a message board, local to the Peoria, IL area, and is a spin-off from the message boards found at peoria.com (PDC).
It was started by the renegades who, for some reasons or other, had gotten banned from PDC.
When Bridget and I discovered PDC, she was not so well received there, and because we shared an IP address, we were both banned. I did manage to convince the administrators that, since I had no problems there, to allow me to return.
In the interim, we found ourselves invited to PS by one of the honchos from that board, a teacher from East Peoria.
The site is run by a local attorney and has a cast of regulars that cover every part of this area.
I liked that site alot, and was well received and because of the ongoing problems I have with Bridget, who wore her welcome out at PS pretty quick, too, was shown alot of understanding and felt like I was taken in as part of the group.
In theory, this is supposed to be the less judgmental, clique-free, liberal message board, and that's my kind've place.
We got together for a baseball game, I was given the idea to start his blog from the people there, and I just liked everyone.
Little did I know.
As the weeks went by, the people at PDC warmed up to me more, and I made some good friends there too. I believe that this was the root of the animosity that began to surround my presence at PS. The warm welcome was turning into a cold shoulder, which began it's culmination last weekend, when I was invited to a party at the lawyer's beautiful house.
Without going into too many details, several things happened that night.

First, I was asked why I had come to Peoria and I relayed the story of the demise of my trucking company, my early failure at Home Improvement sales, the eviction from our apartment, all leading up to us coming to Peoria.
Apparently, telling the story was a bigger deal to several people at the party, who were not part of the conversation, but had overheard it.

Secondly, Bridget's high school boyfriend, who it turns out lives across the street, showed up.
This is a guy that did bad things to her and my instinctive reaction was to want to kill him, but I didn't. I ignored him, and told the person who let me in on who was know that I was freaking out inside.

Thirdly, towards the end of the night, teacher and others decided it was time to tell me exactly how fucked up I was in my dealing with the situation at home.

Now, none of these things seem like a whole lot, but apparently, they were. Because several days later, I was literally attacked in the PS shoutbox by the teacher, who loves to tell me how fucked up I am by not murdering Bridget in her sleep and hanging the body out by the curb for the world to see. How I'm apparently a wimp, because I choose to try and keep things amicable, instead of building even more anger and hatred between each other.

Over the course of the next few days, I was reminded by the teacher over and over of just how fucked up I am, which culminated in her leaving the deleted comment on my last blog entry, which basically called me an asshole for having Cable TV, when I'm having financial issues.
I don't see cable as a luxury. I have kids, and I never leave the house, so to me, cable is another utility, a necessity, and that's it. It's my choice to pay for cable, and if anyone has a problem with that, then I apologize, but it's my problem, not theirs.
After seeing the comment, I went to PS, and sent the teacher a message asking her to just not acknowledge me or anything I post. Just to basically leave me alone. Then, as I perused the board, I saw she had put up a post apologizing for the shoutbox fight, the week before, but NOT for the comments made since.
Apology acceptance is up to the person who receives the apology, not the person who delivers it. Apologizing is admirable, but it doesn't make the wounds automatically heal. Yet I was lambasted for not immediately accepting her apology and apparently I was supposed to beatify her, which I totally did not do!
But, after a time, I relented, cooled off and apologized back, and then all hell broke loose. Snide, rude comments from the lawyer, from the teacher, and from the board primadonna, the bird lover, who shocked me the most as I have displayed nothing but admiration for this woman.

I will admit right now, that my apology was weak as I really feel that I have nothing to apologize for. I'm constantly told that what I'm going through is nothing compared to what these poor martyrs have endured. Regardless of what anyone HAS gone through, I'm going through it now, and it's not easy, but it makes it worse when your suspected friends go all out to make you feel insignificant. Make you feel that your emotions are not real, or are overblown.

Then today, after a final attempt to apologize and move on, I was told I was banned, although I wasn't and I decided to just leave.

These are my final thoughts to these people:
Teach, you're a bully. As is the case with most bullies, you have shortcomings, and your hobbit-like figure is the least of them. You can't stand to see someone else going through a hardship without making them know that you endured much worse and that they should just grin and bear it. That is selfish and insensitive. I thought we were friends which to me means that no matter what the circumstances are, as a friend, you should be sensitive beyond all else. It's no wonder your best friends are fellow bridge trolls.

Lawyer, you disappoint me the most. You're a lawyer who doesn't understand reason. How is that even possible? You offered me understanding and friendship and then pulled it back the moment I began to depend on it. That's just dirty and shows your true colors as self cengtered bitch, who can't stand it when she doesn't get her way or gets called out.

The both of you and your audacity to tell me how I'm supposed to feel, and react and what I'm supposed to say is pure arrogance and it's disgusting. You don't know me, nor did you ever really want to, which is fine, because now, you never will.

Bird lover, you disappoint me the most, because I held you in very high regard, as a regal, classy lady who knew how to shine, even though I KNEW what you had been through, and your disgusting comments to and about me were uncalled for and a sure sign of ignorance and weakness. I know what goes on in your house. And it's a shame that you call ME a joke. At least you have a nice big house to show off when you're hiding your black eyes and bruises.

You three are the very example of everything you accuse the folks at PDC of being. And as much as you try and make people believe that you don't care about PDC, you sure have a knack for knowing everything that hapens over there as soon as it happens. Pure jealousy and regret are so evident in your actions. You're so wrapped up in your own self-image, that you're not able to see anyone else for they really are. Only for who you want them to be and when they don't fit your vision, you attack.

There are great people on PS that I'm going to miss alot. And that's pretty much everyone I didn't name.
I would have liked to have gotten to know you all better, but that won't happen now.

And, by the way, you're so insecure about yourselves, I give it less than an hour before this blog is talked about between you.

It Just Keeps Piling Up, Doesn't it?

Freaky Friday, or more like, freaked-OUT Friday, is what yesterday must have been.
I can feel the horror of a long, hard traveled road coming to an end, and instead of dying peacefully, it has to kick and spit blood in my face, right to the very end.

Anxiety, or anxiousness at the inevitable end of my life with Bridget is overbearing at this point. It's like a long prison sentence nearing it's end and I can't sleep at night, knowing those iron gates are close to closing behind me permanently, but the last leg of this time served is becoming the roughest yet.

And it's all about the one thing that the bulk of our problems has been at the core of; Finances! Money, and the never ending lack of it.

In June, when the landlord, Steve, came to collect the rent, I didn't have all of it, and I explained to him that the next few months were going to be rough and that I'd probably be late through the end of August. He gladly agreed to work with me, and that he understood.
God I hate a liar.
After much harassment and many threats from him, I did pay off the June rent, just in time for July to arrive. Yesterday, he came looking for money and I had none for him.
To backtrack a bit, on Wednesday, the phone was turned off, and the water company has been due to cut me off since the 30th of June, but miraculously, I've been spared, to date. Knowing I was in a jam, I asked my boss if he could loan me 500 bucks, which he unblinkingly said yes to.
I love my boss, man. He is one of the good ones, when he wants to be.

Wednesday, he left for the day, Thursday he told me that he would include it in my Friday paycheck and knowing I wouldn't have the rent, I was excited about catching up the phone, water, and with my raise that I'm expecting to kick in this week, the cable and Rent A Center.

As he handed out the checks, as we left for the day, he told me that he couldn't write the check for my loan, but he'd have it Monday. OK, it sucks, but I can live without a phone for a few more days, and the water's not getting shut off over the weekend. Then I looked and voila! No raise!.

And right as I got home and was in the middle of the endless fight that Bridget and I call communication, Steve showed up. So, I explained, I have no money this week and he started crying the blues about his bills and that he wasn't going to "carry me" anymore, so I lost it.
I told him that he should just go ahead and do what he needs to do, but on Monday, I'll be calling the Health Department to complain about the black mold in my bathroom that my children are exposed to, that he's known about for two years and has never lifted a finger to clean up. The next call, I told him would be to the building inspector so he can see the windows that are practically falling off the house, which I keep complaining about and the dead limb on the big tree in front that's ready to crash to the ground, that he ignores. The next call, I told him, would be to a lawyer to ask if he can legally kick me out when I'm only 10 days late with the rent. I mean, isn't that why I paid an extra month's deposit? In case shit like this happens?
So he stormed out, and returned a few minutes later with a poorly photocopied piece of paper demanding I pay up by the 16th or vacate.
I've played THAT game before so I have to laugh at his feeble attempt to try and come across as having legal precedence to give me a non-notarized, non-legal demand to vacate the premises.

Still, it's all just more stress on top of the mountain of the stuff I'm already buried under. But I still have to grin inside.

Because the prison gates are going to open for me, and freedom is at hand, if I can just make it to the next minute, the next hour, the next day and next week.

Wow, Peoria. Wow!

I'm not young. I've been going to Fireworks displays for most of the last 43 years I've been here.
And after while, they just become something to do on the 4th.
When I was a kid, we'd always go to Bassett Park, near where I grew up. It was a whole day's event, running around, eating, finding your friends and the Buffalo Philharmonic would play each year, and the fireworks were pretty damn good.

I've seen them in alot of places and two years ago, I saw them here in Peoria for the first time. I thought then, watching from a mile away that they were pretty spectacular.
Last year, we watched from the 6th floor of the hotel at the Par-A-Dice and that pretty much sucked. It's far away, on hard angle, and you're watching through a window.

Well, last night was the best ever. My friend Lynn, who's been my rock the last few weeks, once again, forced me at gunpoint to go with her.
We started the night with dinner at Jim's Steakhouse. Fine dining, fine food, fine company.
Then we walked down to the river to see if we could find a good spot to watch and check out the festivities, and hopefully, find a drink!

As we walked along the river, we found an empty space, occupied by two empty chairs so we pulled up to the wall, looked down at the water, then out to realize we were right there, at the very spot where the barge would be firing them off.

Being so close, I was almost a little nervous, but anxious too see the show from that vantage point.

Unbelievable, is all I can say. They were so in your face and vivid and loud and it was just mind blowing. So many thing I never realized before, like for instance, the showers of light happening just 20 feet above the launchpad. Or what it's like to see the multiples of color explode right in your face, almost causing you to duck a few times.

The only negative was getting yelled at an hour after we arrived by the mother of the two kids who had abandoned those chairs. When I tried to explain that the fireworks happened up, not out, and they'd still be able to see just fine, I found out, I'm not a gentleman after all, or so I was told! Wow!! Newsflash! Call the press. HipKat is not a gentleman!

Peoria, I'm the worst offender at dis'ing you and exemplifying the benefits of where I came from, but maybe it's time to spend less time looking back and more time looking around, because you really impressed the hell out of me last night.
And standing next to a young soldier, just returned from tours in Iraq and Afghanistan, his beautiful wife and their gorgeous 6 month old daughter (Brock, Brittany and Bailey!), I never felt more proud.

Thank you, Peoria!!!

The Dog Days...

And so, almost as soon as it arrived, we're moving into the middle of summer already and so many things are happening.
And I find having a hard time keeping my emotions steady, as I bounce biorythymically up and down, highs and lows.
The home situation is coming to it's apex, as she has started to move some things out. I'm so caught in my feelings about the whole thing and I can't rehash it all here but for every positive, there's an equally intense negative. The only thing not making the negatives more in my face is the total lack of consideration or sensitivity when it comes to me; the constant emotional manipulation I'm being subjected to and the text book way she resentfully keeps blaming it all on me.
I don't know what's best or what's right, but I do know that until she moves out and I have a minute to get a grasp of where I'm at, I can't move or decide on anything, because I'm so entwined in the chaos that all this has caused in my life. Fortunately, I've made some big-hearted friends that keep me in check, and keep me too occupied to dwell on the situation.

Work has definitely become a haven for me, as I adjust to running the department and instilling the organizing and structure that I feel will make the department alot more efficient and cost effective. In marketing, almost every aspect of the different departments is designed to make or save money, except in layout, where it's 100% cost based. Having talented designers who are in able to produce on time, with few mistakes and can keep filing, on the network and on hard copy straight and easily accessible by anyone in the office is vital.

My raise, which looks to be substantial should kick in this week or next and couldn't come at a better time. Everything is 2 months behind. Cut-off notices are piling up and the landlord is getting impatient. It's ironic how it always gets this way and right when things are bleakest, a break shows up. This raise is the that break and as much as I needed it two months ago, it's still timely.

I know that some of the people reading this have seen some examples of my stress and anxiety and I apologize to those who I may have rubbed the wrong way. You know who you are, and so do I. It wasn't personal. Just bear with me, please, friends, and it will all be something to laugh about someday when the skies are brighter.

A Step Up

You know, things happen when you least expect them to.
I work at a company I was recruited to by the former sales manager at my old job.
When he first came here, he pushed me hard to follow, but I resisted, because I wasn't sure if this was going to be a good move or not, even though, I hated my old job.
Still security says alot.
Well, last October, that security fell apart, so I made the move.

Now, I started out in sales, but was moved in the graphic design department, which meant a big pay cut, but a steady check. Sales is so up and down it's sunny one week and raining the next.
Anyhow, I was promised, after some departmental changes that I would take over as the department head, but right when that was gonna happen, they hired someone for the job that I learned alot from, but couldn't personally stand.

This morning, my phone rang, and it was the aforementioned manager, calling to tell me that he quit and is starting his own thing and wants me there.
At first, I said that I was loyal to him, and upon coming to work, it seemed that was a good choice, since this place was in an uproar. Seems like a few people are leaving with him, including my department head, finally fulfilling a many month's long wish that he would quit.

Well, the owner of this company called from the Moline office today and we spoke for about 30 minutes and I was reassured that I would be the new department head, no matter who comes in the door and that we would talk next week about a considerable raise.
Considerable being my word, because I have a number in mind that I need as bad as he needs an experienced manager to run this department, but from the call, I don't think that will be a problem.

Lesson learned: Security is a good thing, but loyalty, especially in the hard times , which has been questioned by a few people, usually pays off in the end alot better.

Or, not biting the hand that feeds you can result in some pretty good feed!

Son's tribute highlights memorial service for Tim Russert

Luke Russert: “I love you, Dad. And in his words, let us all ‘go get ’em!’ ”

Luke Russert borrows from ‘Big Russ & Me’ to comfort all those who mourn newsman from Buffalo

WASHINGTON — Walking to the podium at the Kennedy Center before a crowd of 2,000 that included a former president, the secretary of state and countless other “Meet the Press” guests, 22-year-old Luke Russert on Wednesday repeated the perfect words to comfort the millions who join him in mourning the loss of his father.

Luke Russert couldn’t find those words in W.B. Yeats, James Joyce or Mark Twain, but he found them in Chapter 20 of his father’s book “Big Russ & Me.”

In a chapter called “Loss,” Tim Russert wrote about his friend Michael Gartner, who lost his 17-year-old son to acute juvenile diabetes.

“After his passing, my dad phoned Michael,” Luke Russert said. “And he said to him, ‘Michael, think of it this way: What if God had come to you and said, ‘I’m going to make you an offer. I will give you a beautiful, a wonderful, happy, and lovable son for 17 years, but then it will be time for him to come home.’ You would make that deal in a second, right?’ ”

“Well, I only had 22 years, but I, too, would make that deal in a heartbeat,” the young Russert, beaming with pride, said in a strong and resolute broadcaster’s voice.

So would countless others who admired Tim Russert, the iconic “Meet the Press” host and South Buffalo native who died of a heart attack Friday.

A day after Russert fans drove from as far away as South Dakota and flew in from California for his wake, official Washington got its chance to pay tribute to the NBC newsman, first at a private funeral where Luke Russert delivered the eulogy and then at the memorial service where he shared the stage with the likes of Tom Brokaw, Brian Williams and Mario Cuomo.

Brokaw noted the extraordinary impact that Russert’s death has had on the nation.

“Since Friday, all of us have been swamped with e-mails and phone calls, strangers on the street, tears in their eyes, sharing their grief and sense of loss,” Brokaw said. “A postal worker with a heavy Spanish accent stopped me on the streets of New York sobbing, saying that he was sick — sick when he heard the news of Mr. Russert. A construction foreman stopped me and said he was so, so smart, and he seemed to be one of us.”

Like several of the speakers, Brokaw made special mention of Russert’s father and inspiration, “Big Russ”— Timothy J. Russert Sr. — who recently moved into an assisted-living facility in Orchard Park and could not attend the services.

“Big Russ, you may remember about a dozen years ago, you sent me this,” Brokaw said, showing off a mug from American Legion Post 721 in South Buffalo. “And for every morning since that time, it has been my first companion as I brush my teeth.” But no more.

“I’m going to set this mug aside. I’m going to save it for election night. I’m going to fill it with this Rolling Rock that I pilfered just today from Tim’s cooler, here in Washington,” Brokaw said. “And so on election night, Big Russ, I will raise this glass to you. For your gift to us of Tim and to your favorite saying, it was his and mine as well: ‘What a country.’ ”

Brokaw’s successor as anchor of NBC News, Brian Williams, noted that Russert’s last words before he collapsed, spoken to an editor at the network’s Washington Bureau, where Russert was chief, were words he spoke all the time: “What’s happening?”

“And he never made another sound,” Williams said. “[It’s] fitting probably because Tim was all about what’s happening, what’s happening with everybody and everything, especially along his power corridor, Buffalo to the Beltway.”

Although only one person from Buffalo shared the stage Wednesday, the city was as present throughout the memorial service as it was in Russert’s life.

One of his seventh-grade teachers, Sister Lucille Socciarelli of Buffalo, recalled how the 13-year-old Russert urged her to join the pupils on the athletic fields outside St. Bonaventure Elementary School.

“ ‘Go, sister!’ he’d say. ‘Run!’ Tim would shout, urging me on — rosary beads flying, veil flying,” she said. “Not only did Tim choose me for his team, he always picked the kids that he thought might not be chosen at all.”

Meanwhile, Cuomo recalled a visit to Buffalo with Russert, who served as an aide to the governor at the time, shortly after the state enacted its then-controversial seat belt law.

The governor’s car got struck from behind — and the governor, who sat in the front but forgot to buckle his seat belt, flew forward toward the dashboard. That prompted the governor’s car to come to a halt and the press to swarm around it, shouting: “How’s the governor?”

Russert, emerging from the car, replied: “Thank God for the seat belt!”

That was just one of the countless stories told at the service that showed both Russert’s wit and his warmth.

Former NBC reporter Maria Shriver — now California’s first lady — recalled Russert’s comforting calls when her mother, Eunice Kennedy Shriver, was going in and out of intensive care this past year.

“He talked with me about losing his own mother,” who died several years ago,” she said. “He talked to me about how it felt, how hard it was for him. He talked to me about where he found support, about the role of his faith in that struggle. He shared his struggle with me so that mine would be a little bit easier.”

And in a surprise appearance via video from Europe, where he is touring, Rust Belt rock poet Bruce Springsteen recalled performing at the “Today” show and seeing Russert beaming in the front row.

Springsteen and his band played a song called “The Promised Land” at the time. “It’s funny that we were playing that song,” Springsteen said. “I think Tim had a real belief in that promised land and in the American idea. And that was the passion that you heard behind all those tough questions on Sunday morning and — and in that big smile.”

Springsteen closed the memorial service with an acoustic version of “Thunder Road.”

Earlier in the day, the presumptive presidential nominees, Republican Sen. John McCain of Arizona and Democratic Sen. Barack Obama of Illinois, sat next to each other during the private funeral Mass at Holy Trinity Catholic Church in Georgetown. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., and New York Gov. David A. Paterson also attended.

The afternoon memorial service was no less star-studded. Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, D-N. Y., made her first public appearance here since suspending her presidential campaign 11 days earlier. Her husband, former President Bill Clinton, accompanied her.

But all the while, the focus was on the stage, and especially on Luke Russert, who eulogized his father with a mix of humor and honor that would have done his father proud.

“I ask you, this Sunday, in your hearts and in your mind, to imagine a ‘Meet the Press’ special edition, live from inside St. Peter’s gate,” Luke said. “Maybe Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr will be on for the full hour debating.”

Calling his father “a force of nature,” he added: “Now his own cycle in nature is complete. But his spirit lives on in everybody who loves their country, loves their family, loves their faith and loves those Buffalo Bills.

“I love you, Dad. And, in his words, let us all ‘go get ’em!’ ”

Father's Day

Today is Father's Day and that has me thinking so many things at once.
I love my daughter's, who are too young to get Father's Day, but to me, they make everyday like Father's Day.
As far as the traditional things that are supposed to happen on this day, it won't be like that here. I'll still be the primary parent all day and the one that takes care of the house, kids etc.
But that's ok, because soon, I won't have these other people here, and that will be very hard.
Housework will be nothing, but not seeing my little girls go to bed every night should be the worst thing a father can face, other than the loss of a child.

I know alot of "dad's" these days, are not up to the job, but to me, being a father is what keeps me breathing. It get's me up in the morning and it wraps itself around me, every waken moment.

My Dad, well, he died almost 20 years ago from Cancer.
But he was never in my life much. My parents split when I was four and I only saw him sporadically throughout the year. Maybe twice at the most, but I still remember my Dad and Mom together. Something my younger brother will never know.
My Dad and I were buddies. I was his favorite, by far, and he made every moment that he was there worth it by treating me like I was his favorite.
We'd go to "the pop shop" (the bar) together when I was a kid and I'd play pool with the other regulars.
When I was older, he'd take me to Pro Wrestling events, hockey games, etc.
I remember that when my parents were together, my dad would come home and make me find the treat he'd always have, usually a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup, which I still love today.

When I was in the Army we wrote more than I did with anyone else, and afterward, we did a few small construction jobs together.
My Dad was rugged, a tough Norwegian brick layer who took no shit, and never backed down from speaking his mind.
But he was a drinker, and that led to the end of his marriage to my Mom and ultimately the cancer that took him.

I remember him coming over when I was about 9, and talking to my Mom while I hid on the stairs. He gotten pulled over, was drunk and beat the crap out of the two Cops and split. Back then, they didn't call your plate in before they stopped you so he never got caught for that.
My Dad also never disciplined me as a kid. That was my Mom's job. One night, before they split, I was four, my brother one, My Mom had gone out and he fell asleep so my brother and I decided to make a cake..... on the kitchen floor...... with every and anything we could open from the fridge and cabinets, then we put ourselves to bed.
I think I still have marks from the beating I got over that.

When my Dad died, I hadn't seen him much that last year, and My mom told me I best go before it was too late. I couldn't comprehend anything beating my Dad, so I was slammed when I saw him, in a hospital bed they had in the house. Frail, weak, old, looking (he was 56 but looked 100), he looked dead already. His wife woke him and asked if he knew who I was. With alot of effort, he raised his head and whisperd "my boy."

I cried that night in my girlfriends arms and a few hours later he was gone. Funny, I had premonitions for two weeks and that night, about 4AM, something dramatic happened in my room. I was momentarily paralyzed by a white "light" that lasted a split second and shook me up badly. A few hours later, the phone rang.
I never shed a tear again, until just now actually, nor did I ever visit his grave, but once soon after. I couldn't find it now if I had too.
But, I wonder if he watches me now. See's my kids, my hardships. Knows my secrets and my joys.
I hope he's not too disappointed.

I love you Dad. And I miss you alot. I wish you were here because I could really use you in my life right now.

Happy Father's Day!

Thoughts of Home

I find myself increasingly thinking about home, which, in case you've been on the moon,is Buffalo, NY.
I won't go into why I'm not there, because that's been talked about until it's blue in the face, but I'm here, and this is becoming more homey, but it's not really home. Summer in Buffalo is so amazing, and well deserved when it arrives each year after the long hard winters. There is no shortage of things to do, from the the ongoing ethnic and regional festivals to the abundant live music events, to the breezy warm days with the air blowing off of the great lakes.... It's just so nice. Old architecture and patio bars. City streets with unmatched window shopping and everything exudes an unmatched character. The smallest big city or the largest small town, depending on your perspective, mine being the latter, Buffalo is enigmatic.

But events ongoing have brought my thoughts back to the place I was born.

Tim Russert, well known for his 18 years hosting Meet The Press, died suddenly yesterday. The news hit me hard. I met him once, at a Bills game. My friend, Kirk, had season tickets right in front of owner. Ralph Wilson's box and we saw them both in the concourse before the game, so Introduced myself to Tim, and expressed my appreciation for rooting for the city in the show.

He never let go of his roots, South Buffalo, an enigma itself, inside the larger enigma that Buffalo is, and talked about or referenced the city often. He was a son of Buffalo, that every citizen there knew lived somewhere inside Tim's heart. He cheered with and for the city, constantly, and this loss is being felt by the hundreds of thousands of people that call the city home.

In the late 80's and early 90's, the one time laughing stock of pro-football, The Buffalo Bills, became a dynastic league powerhouse, doing the unthinkable, going to 4 straight Superbowl's. Right in the middle of the defensive and special team corps, was linebacker Mitch Ferrotte, who's cousin is a backup QB for the Vikings. With long blond hair, a love of Harley Davidsons and loud music, and his signature "Alice Cooper" face paint on game day, Mitch was a large personality on that team. He was from a small town, Kittaning, PA, which is about 40 miles north of Pittsburgh. At the time, I worked for International Chimney, who owned a brick factory in that town. My first trip down, during The Bill's off season, I noticed a house across the street that was well adorned in Bills gear and when I asked, found out that it was Mitch Ferrotte's house. That day, he was in the yard, and I went and talked to him. Nicest guy, especially for a pro football player in an era when Athletic Ego's were starting to run amok. He was like talking to any neighbor, or random person you'd meet.

Mitch had a heart attack yesterday and died at the age of 43.

This weekend marks the 51st anniversary of the Allentown Art Festival, an event that sees the streets of the Allentown District of Buffalo shut down so hundreds of artists can show their talents.

I never miss this event, one of the largest and oldest of it's type in the nation. The weather seems like it's always beautiful, and the vendors, the food, the neighborhood...

It's just a great time and Buffalo tradition that draws hundreds of thousands from all over the country.

I found something new today on Google Maps called "Street View." I have no idea on how they do this, but you can actually see hi res images of most places from a street view perspective!! And you can rotate around, zoom in, and move in any direction. Anyhow, I lived in North Buffalo, and I wanted to post some great pics of my old 'hood, so here for your viewing pleasure, My Home!

Here's my old apartment, above the store. It was huge! From the corner of the building in the center of the page, going right, those three windows were the living room, as were the three together to the left of that corner! You can barely make out the CB antenna is still on the roof and the DishNetwork dish is still on the front window. I miss this place so much!

This is the view of the same building on Hertel Ave itself, which is a big strip that has a ton of restaurants, art galleries, stores, etc. A great neighborhood to live in. The canopied store front is Cafe Allegro, where they put Starbucks to shame. A great tradition was Sunday Brunch, which was always gourmet, and usually featured a string quartet from the Buffalo Acadamy of The Performing Arts. Kids playing classical music and doing it well!!

North Park Theater is a majestic old theater, with the plush velvet curtains, stage, etc and features artistic and independent releases. Vincent Gallo's Buffalo 66 had it's world premier there.

Bertha's, a diner that served Breakfast and Lunch was my favorite hangout. Sitting at the counter with a cup of coffee, one of Dave's enormous omelets, the newspaper and hours of talking about any and everything.

This is Wellington Pub, a local bar/restaurant with many good memories. The food is the bomb. My favorites were their Beef on Weck, a Buffalo tradition, that unlike chicken wings, is still exclusive to the city or "The Hertel"; A chicken sandwich with lettuce, tomatoe, mayo and cheese on a huge Keiser roll. The best was the Friday night Fish Fry, a weekly tradition for me, or clams on the patio bar! Next door is Bob & John's, with good pizza and huge subs.

La Pizza Club, though, is the spot for the best Pizza and Wings. Of course, within walking distance, you could get Pizza and Wings at 15 different places, but this was my favorite. Next door is one of the art galleries that I used to stop in at often.

Soon after I moved to Hertel, a friend of mine stopped by and we went exploring my new neighborhood. This was my favorite neighborhood bar. We walked in and the place was pretty empty, but a few things stood out. The bar tender and other three patrons were all men, there was a line of about 20 micro-brew taps at the bar and The Dirty Dozen was playing on both TV's! I knew I found a home. John, the owner is one of the nicest people in the world and this plain, not very fancy bar is a wonderful place to stop in and try one of many Brews, that John is an expert on, and talk to good friends.

This is the hose that Bridget and I lived in, just off Hertel, where our landlord stole everything we had. We rented the entire bottom half of this house, which is typical of the housing stock that you'll find throught the city. I love these big Victorians and WILL one day own one. It brings back memories though, of how beautiful we had it inside that house and all the precious things, a life collection that we lost there. I swear that's our patio furniture on the porch and I know my washer and dryer are probably still in the basement, along with my work out equipment

So that's a pretty good view of my old neighborhood, that I truly long to see again and promise to live in again. The people are very cultured and unique there, and this area represents "The City of Good Neighbors" in it's finest form!

Coming to a head

It's getting increasingly more difficult to maintain my composure around Bridget. I don't mean to be snippy, but I just can't seem to help it. It just comes out.
Why not though?
2 weeks after our 2nd daughter was born, in January, she started treating me like shit and hasn't stopped.
She had a 2 month affair with one guy, random sex with another, and is now involved with, whom she calls "the perfect guy for her" with NO concern for my feelings. No consideration. Nothing. Except some ridiculous expectation that I should just be cool with the situation.
I can't. I won't.

It's over!
She needs to go and plans to.
She's been with him for a month, and now, tonight, tells me she's moving in with him in a few weeks.
Yay, she's gone, but this just makes everything worse. Now my kids have a different adult male in their daily lives. My family is shattered and for what? Because this 30 year old teenager has no sense of loyalty to anyone but herself and everyone else has to suffer.

And it's not like they're teenagers. My oldest daughter is three. Do you remember being three? Probably not, so she'll forget that I put her to bed every night. My baby will never know.
Now someone else will be doing that. The first person they see in the morning and the last they see at night. How can she just take this away from me, so nonchalantly?
And on top of that, like a prison sentence, I'm trapped in this town now. I'm going to be in this fucking town for the rest of my life because of her selfishness. Staying here was never the plan.
I cannot leave as long as my kids are here and this is not my home. This is not where I want to be. Peoria is alright and I've met some cool people, but it's not home. And I've been miserable and broke since the day I got here.
Don't I get some say in this? Don't I have any fucking rights?
Pardon me if I think that having babies means the rockstar dream is over.
Pardon me if I feel like the family is the most important thing you can commit to.

I hate her.
I've said many times, I have not been perfect. I have issues, but instead of standing by me while I work through them, she acts like she HAS been perfect.
Oh, she'll admit to her mistakes but takes zero accountability for them.
Instead, she makes it all seem like it's all my fault. Probably how she justifies it to herself.
She has shit on me in the worst ways for the last 6 months, and I'm the one to blame?
Fuck that. I have no clue where to turn now.

Believe!

I have the ability and the right to achieve and do well in my life.I am more than just okay. I am a winner!
I believe in myself. I trust in who I am. I may listen to the ideas of others, but when it comes right down to it, I believe in myself and in all the potential I have within me. I respect myself and like who I am.
I'm pretty special, and the more I recognize the fact about myself, the more others recognize that it's true.
People like me. I am courteous, kind, thoughtful, and considerate. These are just the few of the traits that I possess that will benefit and reward me for the rest of my life. My words are golden.
I can be counted on. What I say, I will do. I always do. And I only agree to those things that are healthy, helpful, and beneficial to myself and others. By making a decision to win in my life, I have become one of those who decide to achieve the best. I deserve the best for myself, and the best is what I get. I see the personal responsibility as the beginning of all success.
I take responsibility for myself and everything I do and it shows! I take responsibility of every thought I think! I know what I think directs and affects everything else about me. I choose to think only the thoughts that guide support, direct, and enrich my life and the lives of others in the most positive way. I set goals for myself. I see myself reaching those goals. Each day I see my goals-and my future-more clearly. I believe in working hard and doing things right. I believe in achieving the best from myself. I know that I can achieve any goal I choose. I am a doer, an achiever, a worker, and A WINNER! I have mastered the skill of liking myself! By- Shad Helmstetter...A Behavioral Reseacher


Copied from www.peoria.com posted by teachermsmckeown

12 Steps to Recovery

So, I'm about to start a group therapy thing for codependency (ME!) and it's all based on a 12 step program, which I knew nothing about, but I'm sitting here reading what the steps actually are and it's pretty eye opening. It's a little glimpse into self-realization that I can see for the first time, ways that I affect the people I come in contact with.

Step One: I Realize I'm Stuck. It makes no sense to keep trying to solve my problems with "Solutions" that don't work.

Man, that is the viscous circle I've been in for a very long time. Anytime I try to break out, I'm immediately sucked back into it.

Step Two: I'm willing to let go of my usual ways, in the hope this will help me see things from a broader perspective.

See step one here, because they're directly related. Letting go of usual ways though, is a tough thing to do. Being a creature of habit, it's insane to me to think it will be easy to just do things completely different, and the idea is alot easier than the actions are going to be.

Step Three: I shift my focus, from being fixated on my problems, to seeking a sense of wholeness and contentment in my life.

This is not going to happen overnight either, as "my problems" are ongoing, although I need to learn how to deal with individual situations as they arise, and stop looking at everything as one big problem. Bridget moving out will give me room to breathe, but it's not the end-all solution to my problems.

Step Four: I honestly look at the effects of my actions on others and myself.

It's easy to be so wrapped up in your own world that you don't have a clue how you affect other people that you deal with day to day. I know I have an adverse affect, though, because I see alot of people, more or less, turn the other way when they see me coming, so to speak. In other words, for instance, breaks at work, I notice that lately, I smoke alone.

Step Five: I take responsibility for my actions.

This was actually my first realization, some time ago. I made choices that resulted in where I am now. I didn't listen to that little voice at times, when I knew I should be, throwing caution to the wind, and letting the chips fall where they may. Unfortunately, I rolled snake eyes almost everytime, and didn't really learn from those mistakes, like I should have. I also have procrastinated in making changes that would have alleviated this period of time in my life from being as twisted as it is.

Step Six: I see that my knee-jerk reactions have to do with being in the grip of more or less conscious fears.

I see this everyday as I explode, or implode or just snap at every reminder of what's going on around me. Any mention by Bridget of her and his relationship sends me involuntarily over the edge. And all of it because of my fear of losing my family, which may well stem from this actually being the first "family" I've ever known, but is that fear more for the good my family or my own selfish pride?

Step Seven: I strive to find my motivation in a deeper sense of who I really am, rather than fear and defensiveness.

I used to know exactly who I was, and I reveled in myself. Now, I feel so far away from who I am, that I can't stand who I've become, which is what motivated me to begin this path to recovery in the first place. But somehow, I became to weak to stand up and be myself, choosing instead to cower behind the wall I've built around myself. As I shut myself in, I must realize that I also shut everyone else out.

Step Eight: I stop blaming and feeling blamed, with a willingness to heal the wounds.

This could be very difficult, because it's easier to go with the crowd and blame Bridget than to stand alone and blame myself, but the truth is, I chose to let the events unfold that resulted in this place that we're both in. And living with the truth is alot more easier to bear the brunt of than to go against the tide and make a stand for what needs to be over what is and has been.

Step Nine: I swallow my pride and sincerely apologize to people I've hurt, except when it would be counterproductive.

What is counterproductive about an apology? How can you determine that? I have hurt alot of people, starting with Bridget, really, and my kids, to people I barely know and just brush by everyday.
Is a counterproductive apology one that is given to the person who will not accept it, understand it, and/or, when applicable, respond with an earned apology in return?

Step Ten: I live mindfully, paying attention to the motives and effects of my actions.

Actually, this would be a basic character trait of who I am, although I may not be heeding the knowledge of what certain actions may do to affect others in my life.

Step Eleven: I stay tuned inside, in touch with a broader sense of who I really am, and a deeper sense of what I really want.

As I said earlier, I once knew just who I was and what I wanted, which may have been my strongest trait. Reaching this place in my life again is a solid goal to achieve.

Step Twelve: As I feel better about myself, I reach out to others who feel stuck.

Another example of who I was, and that was the first person to "offer a shoulder" and the last to seek one, and now, I'm completely the opposite, desperately grasping out to anyone who will agree with me, defend me, take my side or however you'd want to put it.


Even writing these down spurs something inside me. A feeling of expectation, combined with a sense of queasiness and unease at my ability to follow through, something else I've never been able to master.

Woman

"Ungrateful little bitches, aren't they?
I want to ask you something. You all go to church.
Do you think God knew what He was doing when He created woman?
No shit! I really want to know.
Or do you think it was one of His minor mistakes?
Like tidal waves! Earthquakes! Floods!
Do you think women are like that?
What's the matter?
You don't think God makes mistakes?
Of course He does.
We all make mistakes.
Of course, we make mistakes, they call it evil.
When God makes mistakes, they call it...nature.
So what do you think?
Women...are they a mistake?
Or did He do it to us on purpose?!
I really want to know!
If it's a mistake, maybe we can do something about it!
Find a cure!
Invent a vaccine.
Build up our immune systems.
Get a little exercise.
Twenty push-ups a day...
...and you never have to be afflicted with women, ever again!" ...from The Witches of Eastwick

What is it with women? Certain women, anyhow, that they feel they can just walk all over you and there are zero repercussions!
Bridget and her new boyfriend get together, alot! And she always tells me what time she'll be home and she's always late. By, like, 5 hours. Now, I'm not stupid. I know what's going on, and that hurts enough, but you know what it really is?
It's not just that she's with some other guy. It's the way she talks to him. The way she dresses when she goes out with him. The way she is around him.
I see them walking into a place like they're rock 'n roll royalty, which is what WE were! Everywhere we went, people took notice. But she hasn't been that way around me in almost 3 years, and that is what has worn me down the most.
She says I act like I want her the most when she's with someone else, but it's not because she's with some other guy; It's because she's being the person I fell in love with when we first met.
Because, I don't mind doing things for my girl, if I feel like it's appreciated. Like I'm cherished, but with all the bad things that have happened, none of that matters, if you can just make the other person feel fucking important. And I haven't felt important. If she talked to me once like she does him, this might not be happening.
You know what I mean?
I can't believe I'm going through this again already. I just did 2 months ago, for crying out loud.

My shrink loves it that I'm dealing with it, and I know what the problem is. I know why I can't just let it go. Because I am a classic co-dependent. And so is she, but I doubt she would agree with that. And when two co-dependents get together, they suck the life out of each other, trying to hold on and pushing each other away at the same time.

Thank God for this blog, because, it's a good outlet that let's me not be so tense and bottled up around her.

The other bad thing is the fear.
Will I meet someone else? Will she end up happier with him than she's been with me? Or do the things we only talked about doing? Will she tell him our secrets, or have better secrets than her and I did?
I guess those are easily answered questions. Yes, at some point I'll meet someone else. If they do those things or are happier, it doesn't really matter, nor should I allow it to affect the path I have to follow.

My biggest fear is that she'll rise to the top, and I'll get left behind, but that's probably the dependency thing talking.
My really biggest fear though, is losing the connection with my kids. Or another man becoming the primary adult male in their lives. That just makes me panic, but I have to hold onto one certain fact; Her and I are broken, and broken, by definition means don't work!