12 Steps to Recovery

So, I'm about to start a group therapy thing for codependency (ME!) and it's all based on a 12 step program, which I knew nothing about, but I'm sitting here reading what the steps actually are and it's pretty eye opening. It's a little glimpse into self-realization that I can see for the first time, ways that I affect the people I come in contact with.

Step One: I Realize I'm Stuck. It makes no sense to keep trying to solve my problems with "Solutions" that don't work.

Man, that is the viscous circle I've been in for a very long time. Anytime I try to break out, I'm immediately sucked back into it.

Step Two: I'm willing to let go of my usual ways, in the hope this will help me see things from a broader perspective.

See step one here, because they're directly related. Letting go of usual ways though, is a tough thing to do. Being a creature of habit, it's insane to me to think it will be easy to just do things completely different, and the idea is alot easier than the actions are going to be.

Step Three: I shift my focus, from being fixated on my problems, to seeking a sense of wholeness and contentment in my life.

This is not going to happen overnight either, as "my problems" are ongoing, although I need to learn how to deal with individual situations as they arise, and stop looking at everything as one big problem. Bridget moving out will give me room to breathe, but it's not the end-all solution to my problems.

Step Four: I honestly look at the effects of my actions on others and myself.

It's easy to be so wrapped up in your own world that you don't have a clue how you affect other people that you deal with day to day. I know I have an adverse affect, though, because I see alot of people, more or less, turn the other way when they see me coming, so to speak. In other words, for instance, breaks at work, I notice that lately, I smoke alone.

Step Five: I take responsibility for my actions.

This was actually my first realization, some time ago. I made choices that resulted in where I am now. I didn't listen to that little voice at times, when I knew I should be, throwing caution to the wind, and letting the chips fall where they may. Unfortunately, I rolled snake eyes almost everytime, and didn't really learn from those mistakes, like I should have. I also have procrastinated in making changes that would have alleviated this period of time in my life from being as twisted as it is.

Step Six: I see that my knee-jerk reactions have to do with being in the grip of more or less conscious fears.

I see this everyday as I explode, or implode or just snap at every reminder of what's going on around me. Any mention by Bridget of her and his relationship sends me involuntarily over the edge. And all of it because of my fear of losing my family, which may well stem from this actually being the first "family" I've ever known, but is that fear more for the good my family or my own selfish pride?

Step Seven: I strive to find my motivation in a deeper sense of who I really am, rather than fear and defensiveness.

I used to know exactly who I was, and I reveled in myself. Now, I feel so far away from who I am, that I can't stand who I've become, which is what motivated me to begin this path to recovery in the first place. But somehow, I became to weak to stand up and be myself, choosing instead to cower behind the wall I've built around myself. As I shut myself in, I must realize that I also shut everyone else out.

Step Eight: I stop blaming and feeling blamed, with a willingness to heal the wounds.

This could be very difficult, because it's easier to go with the crowd and blame Bridget than to stand alone and blame myself, but the truth is, I chose to let the events unfold that resulted in this place that we're both in. And living with the truth is alot more easier to bear the brunt of than to go against the tide and make a stand for what needs to be over what is and has been.

Step Nine: I swallow my pride and sincerely apologize to people I've hurt, except when it would be counterproductive.

What is counterproductive about an apology? How can you determine that? I have hurt alot of people, starting with Bridget, really, and my kids, to people I barely know and just brush by everyday.
Is a counterproductive apology one that is given to the person who will not accept it, understand it, and/or, when applicable, respond with an earned apology in return?

Step Ten: I live mindfully, paying attention to the motives and effects of my actions.

Actually, this would be a basic character trait of who I am, although I may not be heeding the knowledge of what certain actions may do to affect others in my life.

Step Eleven: I stay tuned inside, in touch with a broader sense of who I really am, and a deeper sense of what I really want.

As I said earlier, I once knew just who I was and what I wanted, which may have been my strongest trait. Reaching this place in my life again is a solid goal to achieve.

Step Twelve: As I feel better about myself, I reach out to others who feel stuck.

Another example of who I was, and that was the first person to "offer a shoulder" and the last to seek one, and now, I'm completely the opposite, desperately grasping out to anyone who will agree with me, defend me, take my side or however you'd want to put it.


Even writing these down spurs something inside me. A feeling of expectation, combined with a sense of queasiness and unease at my ability to follow through, something else I've never been able to master.