Woman

"Ungrateful little bitches, aren't they?
I want to ask you something. You all go to church.
Do you think God knew what He was doing when He created woman?
No shit! I really want to know.
Or do you think it was one of His minor mistakes?
Like tidal waves! Earthquakes! Floods!
Do you think women are like that?
What's the matter?
You don't think God makes mistakes?
Of course He does.
We all make mistakes.
Of course, we make mistakes, they call it evil.
When God makes mistakes, they call it...nature.
So what do you think?
Women...are they a mistake?
Or did He do it to us on purpose?!
I really want to know!
If it's a mistake, maybe we can do something about it!
Find a cure!
Invent a vaccine.
Build up our immune systems.
Get a little exercise.
Twenty push-ups a day...
...and you never have to be afflicted with women, ever again!" ...from The Witches of Eastwick

What is it with women? Certain women, anyhow, that they feel they can just walk all over you and there are zero repercussions!
Bridget and her new boyfriend get together, alot! And she always tells me what time she'll be home and she's always late. By, like, 5 hours. Now, I'm not stupid. I know what's going on, and that hurts enough, but you know what it really is?
It's not just that she's with some other guy. It's the way she talks to him. The way she dresses when she goes out with him. The way she is around him.
I see them walking into a place like they're rock 'n roll royalty, which is what WE were! Everywhere we went, people took notice. But she hasn't been that way around me in almost 3 years, and that is what has worn me down the most.
She says I act like I want her the most when she's with someone else, but it's not because she's with some other guy; It's because she's being the person I fell in love with when we first met.
Because, I don't mind doing things for my girl, if I feel like it's appreciated. Like I'm cherished, but with all the bad things that have happened, none of that matters, if you can just make the other person feel fucking important. And I haven't felt important. If she talked to me once like she does him, this might not be happening.
You know what I mean?
I can't believe I'm going through this again already. I just did 2 months ago, for crying out loud.

My shrink loves it that I'm dealing with it, and I know what the problem is. I know why I can't just let it go. Because I am a classic co-dependent. And so is she, but I doubt she would agree with that. And when two co-dependents get together, they suck the life out of each other, trying to hold on and pushing each other away at the same time.

Thank God for this blog, because, it's a good outlet that let's me not be so tense and bottled up around her.

The other bad thing is the fear.
Will I meet someone else? Will she end up happier with him than she's been with me? Or do the things we only talked about doing? Will she tell him our secrets, or have better secrets than her and I did?
I guess those are easily answered questions. Yes, at some point I'll meet someone else. If they do those things or are happier, it doesn't really matter, nor should I allow it to affect the path I have to follow.

My biggest fear is that she'll rise to the top, and I'll get left behind, but that's probably the dependency thing talking.
My really biggest fear though, is losing the connection with my kids. Or another man becoming the primary adult male in their lives. That just makes me panic, but I have to hold onto one certain fact; Her and I are broken, and broken, by definition means don't work!