Spinning My Wheels.

Yes, two posts in one day.
One, positive and upbeat, the other, back to reality.
In other words, not everything has been roses.
Last month, Bridget had a miscarriage, which devastated us both. Although, the pregnancy was unplanned and admittedly not the best timing, it was still a life we created, and the loss hit us both very hard.
Out of that, we decided to try and make our relationship work again.
Let me be real honest here, because that's why I started his blog. So I could put down my feelings and thoughts, without the sugar-coating and see if any sense can be made from those words. Or, if any answers can be found.
There is no fixing my relationship with Bridget. It is not possible, because in my view, that would mean compromises. And with Bridget, there are none.
Bridget's idea of fixing things is me doing everything her way, all the time. It's jumping, when she snaps her fingers. It's all about making her happy, and there truly is no making her happy, because she will always find the dark cloud behind the silver lining.
Perfect example: I am a Ghost Hunter. My group conducts scientific research into places that may be haunted. It is as harmless as can be. We don't drink. We don't do drugs. We don't flirt or co-mingle. But we do spend late hours on an investigation.
The most recent, I was home at 3 in the morning, which is realistically, pretty early. Of course, Bridget snapped, and even went so far as to say that she will never let me go again.
Let me go? LET??
DO you see why I cannot function when I'm with her?
I am a free spirit, who feels like a bird in a cage. I need to spread my wings and soar, occasionally, but with her, it never happens.
Why? One reason is that other than our kids, we really have little in common.
There is a camping trip coming up. I'll never be able to just go, without a LOT of headaches, accusations, demands, etc, until it gets to the point that I'll just not go.
On top of that, I've been paying a lot of attention to Bridget. Who she is. How she is and I realize that I just don't really like her.
She talks about herself, constantly. We never have conversations.
When she is talking, she never stops talking and no one can get a word in.
She has no consideration for anyone else, and then wonders why she's rarely shown any in return.
Everything is always about her and let's face it, that includes sex, which makes sex into something that I'm never interested in, because it is so one sided.
I'm a sexual being. But I like to get as much as I give, and I have very little incentive to make it good for her, because it's never good for me.
Add to that,the constant barrage of insults, accusations, put downs and demands that endlessly stream from her mouth and I start closing her out, until it comes to a head.
Now, I quit smoking ,and she promises to quit drinking, but last night, she was out of control and things got mildly physical.
I tweaked her nose with my finger, followed by her punching me in the head 3 times, followed by me grabbing her by the arms and putting her in the recliner wit ha warning of how close to losing control she was making me followed by her attacking the laptop, and then telling me how I beat my girlfriend, mixed in with more insults, more ultimatums and some made up plans to leave for the night, which never happened.
That is not me. I'm supposed to be a very calm, laid back person, who has been pushed to fits of insane rage by this person, over and over.

Everything is telling me to leave, to go live my life, to find people that like me and that I like in return, but I cannot, because of two reasons.
One, my kids. I can't be away from them nor can leave them to be trapped in her influences and two, I don't have the money to leave. OR to pay the child support. Or the lawyer it'll take to figure out the child support.


Stuck between a rock and a hard place.....
Where I've been since I met Bridget.