Past Lives

You know, in my past life, I must have been a real asshole, on Hitler level and this time around, is the punishment, because short of going to jail, nothing good has been happening, and everything bad that can happen, is. I've been a shining example of Murphy's Law; Anything that can happen will, and in my case, that's true if it's bad.

In June, I told my landlord that the next few months were going to be rough and that rent was going to be late, most likely over that period, and have to be paid in payments. He accepted that, we shook on it, and I have kept to that, having kept it to where I'm only half a month behind.
In mid-August, I laid out my plan to be completely caught up by the end of September, which he again agreed to, and now, all of a sudden he dumps this unreadable spreadsheet in my lap accusing me of owing him more than $1600.00! A far cry from the $890,00, which I can prove via receipts and cashed checks.
So I email this proof to him, along with a reminder of our agreements and include another agreement the property manager he employed at the time made with us on giving us a half month's break on the rent, because this place was filthy, dirty and bug infested when we moved in which we cleaned at our own expense.
In essence, with that credit applied, I owe him $25.oo, plus the month of September, which would actually be covered by our security deposit. I've asked him to use that deposit if he needs the money and I'll replace it, which would make us current.

Here was his response:

Greg,

I am following through with the eviction. It is already in the hands of my attorney Troy Roberts. I am finished with you as a tenant, Even if you come up with the amount owed on the balance sheet we will ask the Judge for a Forcible Entry and Detainer order and we will get the order. You are out. If you are out of the house prior to being served you can save yourself the expenses of court cost, service and my attorney's fees. Otherwise those expenses will be added to the judgment against you. Perhaps you should spend a few hundred dollars with your own attorney and have him of her explain the situation. In 20 years and a lot of evictions I have never lost in court. The judge will give you 7 to 14 days to get out, If your still there after the order date we will have a deputy stand by while Roger and his crew set your stuff on the curb.

Nothing like plying yourself on a guy's sense of morality, or humanity. I mean, I have babies, for crying out loud, and I've been pouring money into this guys pocket on a weekly basis for the last few months. Is he in his rights to dothis? Well, sure, I owe him money, but c'mon. It's not like I'm months behind. Or habitually late. I hit a rough spot and let him know from the beginning. He made agrements with me and now he's backing out. My fault for not getting them in writing, but I'm old school. I believe a person's word is binding. My mistake.

Making it worse, I lost my damn job, suddenly last week and am starting a new one this week, which is a financial blip, at the worst possible time.

So who was it, Hitler?? Atilla the Hun?? Was I guy that crucified Christ? Jack the Ripper??

Whoever it was, I must have been a real son of a bitch, in another time who fucked people over often, because right now, I'm totally fucked.

To who or whatever it is that's running this big show "I've had ENOUGH!"

Just a side note, I had to break down and employ a touch of censorship to stem the tide of scum bag losers that insist on making anonymous comments, so now you have to be registered to comment. I apologize, but certain assholes force you to make changes.

A Real Bloody Mess

Man, this has just been a week.
I'm so emotionally drained right now, I just want to go somewhere dark, curl up and drift off for good.
Last Sunday started with the much anticipated and talked about move. Bridget finally packed her stuff and moved out.
Sunday night was a journey in relaxation. I cleaned the house, watched a movie, had the place just the way I like it, and felt the tension finally start to drain out of me, even though I unexpectedly missed my kids in a way I couldn't have imagined beforehand. The place was all mine though, my life was completely in my hands and I was ready to start rebuilding from the ground up.
But of course, it couldn't go as planned. There had to be a monkey wrench thrown in by the biggest monkey; Her boyfriend! Seems he had a change of heart somewhere between his desperate pleas for her to move in with him and her actually doing that.
I told her that maybe he was just a little overwhelmed and nervous and that once she got there it would all work out.
At least I hoped it would.

Monday morning, first thing, I called Cilco, because I had to send them a little less than the 300 bucks they wanted, and was rudely told "too bad, you're getting shut off!" with my desperate pleas falling on deaf ears.
Sure enough, that night when I got home, no power. And a looming $840.00 bill to turn it back on: No way I could raise that.

That night Bloody came over to explain why he was gonna make Bridget move out and that was just too surreal. Here I am, finally feeling free, and my power's off and the dude that she took my kids away to live with is sitting on my porch basically telling me that he's gonna send her back.
Needless to say, that night I learned that having no power is the worst! You can do nothing in the dark, but sit and wait for sleep to arrive.

So, I spent the next two nights at a friends house and then on Thursday, thanks to Bridget putting it in her name, the power came back on and that night, she came back, as he basically dumper and her things here.
No clutter free house, as I had ached for. No Peace and Quiet. No "Me against the world", all alone, on my own, to rediscover myself and to fix what is broken and make use of this time alone to take a step towards bettering myself, my life and my situation.

That night was surreal as Hell. I think I was in shock, because a summer's worth of anxiety and planning, once off the launch pad, never had a chance to clear the tower, and now it was going to be delayed. I put up with 8 months of hell, knowing it was going to be worth the payoff of being able to have total control over my life again.
OK, I'm sorry if I sound selfish, I mean, it was great to have my kids back, and it felt good to be able to give Bridget a safe place to be, but everything is at my expense, and now, everything I had been saying about her situation with Bloody, was coming true. You cannot possibly know someone well enough to make a decision like moving in together in a few weeks. And I know there are some underlying issues and reasons for this happening, besides his excuse that "it just wasn't going to work out!"

Surreptitiously, I like to believe that this all happened for a bigger reason, based more on the cosmos and the alignment of the stars and planets.
Bridget and I, once, were destined to be together, but staying together was up to us and it didn't work.
We've been at each others throats forever, seemingly, so I think that before we part ways for good, the force that controls all stepped in and used Bloody as a pawn to come between us and everything happened so that we could have some time together where everything is peaceful, and there are no relationship issues, or anything like that.

Am I pissed at Bloody? Well, yeah, of course. I looked forward to her moving out for months and I celebrated in my own way, the night she was gone, but like everything else, it can't ever just work out. There always has to be a speed bump. And he promised her the world, and then snatched it away, putting alot of people in an awkward position and the very worst part, displacing my kids, and leaving them confused. I cannot forgive that above all else.

Peoria Speaks

The drama, oh, the drama.

Peoria Speaks (PS) is a message board, local to the Peoria, IL area, and is a spin-off from the message boards found at peoria.com (PDC).
It was started by the renegades who, for some reasons or other, had gotten banned from PDC.
When Bridget and I discovered PDC, she was not so well received there, and because we shared an IP address, we were both banned. I did manage to convince the administrators that, since I had no problems there, to allow me to return.
In the interim, we found ourselves invited to PS by one of the honchos from that board, a teacher from East Peoria.
The site is run by a local attorney and has a cast of regulars that cover every part of this area.
I liked that site alot, and was well received and because of the ongoing problems I have with Bridget, who wore her welcome out at PS pretty quick, too, was shown alot of understanding and felt like I was taken in as part of the group.
In theory, this is supposed to be the less judgmental, clique-free, liberal message board, and that's my kind've place.
We got together for a baseball game, I was given the idea to start his blog from the people there, and I just liked everyone.
Little did I know.
As the weeks went by, the people at PDC warmed up to me more, and I made some good friends there too. I believe that this was the root of the animosity that began to surround my presence at PS. The warm welcome was turning into a cold shoulder, which began it's culmination last weekend, when I was invited to a party at the lawyer's beautiful house.
Without going into too many details, several things happened that night.

First, I was asked why I had come to Peoria and I relayed the story of the demise of my trucking company, my early failure at Home Improvement sales, the eviction from our apartment, all leading up to us coming to Peoria.
Apparently, telling the story was a bigger deal to several people at the party, who were not part of the conversation, but had overheard it.

Secondly, Bridget's high school boyfriend, who it turns out lives across the street, showed up.
This is a guy that did bad things to her and my instinctive reaction was to want to kill him, but I didn't. I ignored him, and told the person who let me in on who was know that I was freaking out inside.

Thirdly, towards the end of the night, teacher and others decided it was time to tell me exactly how fucked up I was in my dealing with the situation at home.

Now, none of these things seem like a whole lot, but apparently, they were. Because several days later, I was literally attacked in the PS shoutbox by the teacher, who loves to tell me how fucked up I am by not murdering Bridget in her sleep and hanging the body out by the curb for the world to see. How I'm apparently a wimp, because I choose to try and keep things amicable, instead of building even more anger and hatred between each other.

Over the course of the next few days, I was reminded by the teacher over and over of just how fucked up I am, which culminated in her leaving the deleted comment on my last blog entry, which basically called me an asshole for having Cable TV, when I'm having financial issues.
I don't see cable as a luxury. I have kids, and I never leave the house, so to me, cable is another utility, a necessity, and that's it. It's my choice to pay for cable, and if anyone has a problem with that, then I apologize, but it's my problem, not theirs.
After seeing the comment, I went to PS, and sent the teacher a message asking her to just not acknowledge me or anything I post. Just to basically leave me alone. Then, as I perused the board, I saw she had put up a post apologizing for the shoutbox fight, the week before, but NOT for the comments made since.
Apology acceptance is up to the person who receives the apology, not the person who delivers it. Apologizing is admirable, but it doesn't make the wounds automatically heal. Yet I was lambasted for not immediately accepting her apology and apparently I was supposed to beatify her, which I totally did not do!
But, after a time, I relented, cooled off and apologized back, and then all hell broke loose. Snide, rude comments from the lawyer, from the teacher, and from the board primadonna, the bird lover, who shocked me the most as I have displayed nothing but admiration for this woman.

I will admit right now, that my apology was weak as I really feel that I have nothing to apologize for. I'm constantly told that what I'm going through is nothing compared to what these poor martyrs have endured. Regardless of what anyone HAS gone through, I'm going through it now, and it's not easy, but it makes it worse when your suspected friends go all out to make you feel insignificant. Make you feel that your emotions are not real, or are overblown.

Then today, after a final attempt to apologize and move on, I was told I was banned, although I wasn't and I decided to just leave.

These are my final thoughts to these people:
Teach, you're a bully. As is the case with most bullies, you have shortcomings, and your hobbit-like figure is the least of them. You can't stand to see someone else going through a hardship without making them know that you endured much worse and that they should just grin and bear it. That is selfish and insensitive. I thought we were friends which to me means that no matter what the circumstances are, as a friend, you should be sensitive beyond all else. It's no wonder your best friends are fellow bridge trolls.

Lawyer, you disappoint me the most. You're a lawyer who doesn't understand reason. How is that even possible? You offered me understanding and friendship and then pulled it back the moment I began to depend on it. That's just dirty and shows your true colors as self cengtered bitch, who can't stand it when she doesn't get her way or gets called out.

The both of you and your audacity to tell me how I'm supposed to feel, and react and what I'm supposed to say is pure arrogance and it's disgusting. You don't know me, nor did you ever really want to, which is fine, because now, you never will.

Bird lover, you disappoint me the most, because I held you in very high regard, as a regal, classy lady who knew how to shine, even though I KNEW what you had been through, and your disgusting comments to and about me were uncalled for and a sure sign of ignorance and weakness. I know what goes on in your house. And it's a shame that you call ME a joke. At least you have a nice big house to show off when you're hiding your black eyes and bruises.

You three are the very example of everything you accuse the folks at PDC of being. And as much as you try and make people believe that you don't care about PDC, you sure have a knack for knowing everything that hapens over there as soon as it happens. Pure jealousy and regret are so evident in your actions. You're so wrapped up in your own self-image, that you're not able to see anyone else for they really are. Only for who you want them to be and when they don't fit your vision, you attack.

There are great people on PS that I'm going to miss alot. And that's pretty much everyone I didn't name.
I would have liked to have gotten to know you all better, but that won't happen now.

And, by the way, you're so insecure about yourselves, I give it less than an hour before this blog is talked about between you.

Coming to a head

It's getting increasingly more difficult to maintain my composure around Bridget. I don't mean to be snippy, but I just can't seem to help it. It just comes out.
Why not though?
2 weeks after our 2nd daughter was born, in January, she started treating me like shit and hasn't stopped.
She had a 2 month affair with one guy, random sex with another, and is now involved with, whom she calls "the perfect guy for her" with NO concern for my feelings. No consideration. Nothing. Except some ridiculous expectation that I should just be cool with the situation.
I can't. I won't.

It's over!
She needs to go and plans to.
She's been with him for a month, and now, tonight, tells me she's moving in with him in a few weeks.
Yay, she's gone, but this just makes everything worse. Now my kids have a different adult male in their daily lives. My family is shattered and for what? Because this 30 year old teenager has no sense of loyalty to anyone but herself and everyone else has to suffer.

And it's not like they're teenagers. My oldest daughter is three. Do you remember being three? Probably not, so she'll forget that I put her to bed every night. My baby will never know.
Now someone else will be doing that. The first person they see in the morning and the last they see at night. How can she just take this away from me, so nonchalantly?
And on top of that, like a prison sentence, I'm trapped in this town now. I'm going to be in this fucking town for the rest of my life because of her selfishness. Staying here was never the plan.
I cannot leave as long as my kids are here and this is not my home. This is not where I want to be. Peoria is alright and I've met some cool people, but it's not home. And I've been miserable and broke since the day I got here.
Don't I get some say in this? Don't I have any fucking rights?
Pardon me if I think that having babies means the rockstar dream is over.
Pardon me if I feel like the family is the most important thing you can commit to.

I hate her.
I've said many times, I have not been perfect. I have issues, but instead of standing by me while I work through them, she acts like she HAS been perfect.
Oh, she'll admit to her mistakes but takes zero accountability for them.
Instead, she makes it all seem like it's all my fault. Probably how she justifies it to herself.
She has shit on me in the worst ways for the last 6 months, and I'm the one to blame?
Fuck that. I have no clue where to turn now.