Let's Call This The Half Way Point

This year, I'm going to be 45 years old!
I figure, with advances in medical treatment and technology, this is probably a safe year to call half way.

So, I'm going to be 45 years old.... THIS year!
Which is crazy to me, because, and maybe everyone feels this way, but I'm still 25.
See, I made this promise when I was 21 that since 25 was the perfect age (Old enough to know better, young enough to get away with it still), once I hit that age, I was never going to get any older, and I really haven't.

Looking back, what a weird trip my life has been.
Walk with me now, while I reminisce.

My Childhood
As a kid, I was cluelessly sheltered by my Mom, who was struggling herself to deal with my baby brother and the deterioration of her marriage.
Fortunately, my Grandparents intervened and let us move from suburban (Buffalo) Kenmore, NY into the flat over their garage in rural Alden, NY.
We stayed in that little one room hovel for five years!! And because my only real upbringing was at the hands of my nerdy, frugal and overtly Catholic grandparents, I had little knowledge of the outside world, other than cheap clothes, the outlawed field behind their house, their friends and Church. My brother and I were raised as if we were twins, dressed and treated alike.

My Teenage Years
When I was ten, in an effort to get her kids into a better school system, we moved to upscale Amherst, NY, but the place we moved to was not exactly upscale. It wasn't a ghetto either, but it WAS a great place for a kid, with the seemingly endless woods, paved bike trails, pool tennis courts and no shortage of other kids and ongoing adventures.
Now, by ten, my personality was already somewhat developed, and it was not ready for the ever present peer pressure and competitiveness of Amherst. I really just never did fit in and as I grew older, but never grew bigger, my life collapsed into a routine of running, hiding and dodging the other bigger, popular kids that loved to fuck with me as mercilessly as possible. I was a total victim in high school, and I still, to this day, wonder why that was allowed to happen.
It was bad and it shaped some bad traits in me that have lasted my entire life.
Knowing that all my blogs show up on my Facebook page, and that there are people on my friend's list that I went to high school with, I have no problem talking openly about what I went through back then, knowing that most will simply "not remember".
But names like Chris Guercio, Monte Brown, Tim Bub, Scott Greene, Larry Fineburgh, Jack Armitage, Hank Warden, Michelle Phillips, and other, still light a burning rage in me.
Hell, my friends were all kids my brother's age. I could take them in a fight, and I had a bully mentality with smaller kids, too. Definitely a result of the abuse I took from bigger kids.
Girls? Oh hell no. Girls did not see me and if they did, I couldn't utter the "excuse me" if I had to step out of their way.

When I graduated, I weighed 109lbs. Today, I weigh 200. That is insane to me, that I got this big.
I wish I was this big or had the "fight-to-the-death-attitude" I have now while I was in in high school. Monte Brown would have been eating lunch through a straw....
I'm just convinced he's a big fucking pussy now. I know Chris Guercio had a nightmare for a teenage daughter. Jack Armitage is probably in jail with Scott Greene.



My Twenties
Anyhow, I graduated and was already enlisted in the Army, knowing that the first thing I needed to do after High School, was grow up and get a spine.

So I ended my teens and started my twenties in the Army.
I got that spine, along with a killer's "take-no-shit" attitude, and an endless class-clown type sense of humor.
I also learned about heavy drinking, acid, cocaine, and living on the edge.

Now, looking back, I should have just stayed in. Where would I be now?
This was the first really, life-changing, terribly wrong decision I ever made.
I actually still regret it to this day.

My twenties were the way your twenties should be. Wild!
I partied, rocked, traveled and lived for the moment throughout the entire time.
I learned new trades. Iron Worker. Business Owner. Pool Builder. Mechanic. Steeple Jack and finally truck driver.
I sang in bands that were pretty big in Buffalo. I lived in California, Texas, Washington, DC....
In San Diego, I sang in a band that had the Bass Player and Drummer from Krokus.
That is major! I wonder if Michelle Phillips from high school would make fun of me if she saw me on that stage! (Ha ha)
I lived 100 years in that decade and when it ended, my life was transitioning.



My Thirties
I started my thirties in the midst of a long term relationship with a girl that was just turning 19.
Not my first big relationship, but my first real love, which I managed to screw up.
Actually, it was screwed already screwed up, just due to the age difference.

Anyhow, in my thirties, I evolved more. I began to eat super healthy. I worked out religiously. I threw myself into my work. I dealt with the heart ache of that relationship ending and learned to move on. I found spirituality, began thinking deeper and I found myself back in the music scene, promoting bands and clubs.
Once, I almost booked Fuel and Tonic at 3600 seat Shea's Theater, which would have sent me on the way in that profession, but my front money never came through and the Concert Promoter dream died.
Instead, I worked in production for Clear Channel, hanging out with rock stars at the 6 Flags Amphitheater outside of Buffalo for 5 years.
My thirties was about growing and learning every and anything I could about life, the world, and trying to discover all of life's secrets.

I was at a concert for a band called Donna The Buffalo, a jam band from the Ithaca area, that I really dug a lot! I was stoned, dancing and losing myself when a friend of mine confirmed how much I loved that band and then shook his head, questioning "But you listen to Death Metal!"
That one statement described the vast, multi-layered person I had become. My thirties were just an extension of my twenties and towards the end, while down at one of my shows in the city of Buffalo, someone began a game guessing my age. The average answer was 28!
I lived in a great apartment in the greatest neighborhood in Buffalo (North Buffalo on the Hertel Strip), I was financially sound and my future looked great.
I couldn't be more pleased.



Forties
My forties rang in with the birth of my first child. My life took another hard turn.
All of a sudden, things began going wrong. I lost the bar tending job that I loved, because the owner wanted the girl he cheated on his wife with to have my coveted Saturday nights.
I started and lost my own trucking business. A cop in Tonanwanda targeted me and wrote me bunches of bunk speeding tickets, costing me my license (Which I still haven't gotten back) and my livelihood. My kid's mother and I were at each other's throats. I took on roommates, who fucked up my way of life. I lost my cool apartment and everything I owned.
E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G!

You now those records you still have from when you were a kid? GONE! The furniture you collected? GONE! The clothes you still had from when you were a kid that you can't throw out? GONE! Awards. GONE! My Dad's stuff I got when he died, my Army medals, TV, steroe, computers, PA System, bedding, everything... .GONE!!!
And Bridget, too, lost about everything. As did my infant daughter.

Having lost my license, and needing to maintain that type of income I was used to, I learned how to sell Home Improvements. At first, I couldn't sell. I became depressed, and then, just as I worked my way up to the top of my office, I was forced to pick up and move to Peoria, IL.

Since I've been here, we've struggled, bad. I had to learn telemarketing, selling advertising. I hated it, but I excelled at it, working my way up to the top of the office in sales.
When a better opportunity presented itself, I jumped on it, worked my way into the Layout Department as a Graphic Designer and was starting to feel happy again, when that fell apart.
Now, I'm making ten fucking dollars an hour, as a graphic designer, the going rate in this shit-hole town, but some things still remain.
I have two little girls and my kid's mother and I are still at each other's throats, but we strive to make things work out, and provide the kind've love to our children that we both feel we lacked, growing up.

First, I feel optimistic again for the first time in some years, like something big is going to happen. The same way I felt through my twenties and thirties. That greatness may not have eluded me after all.

And I'm still 25.
When we can get away with playing music in the office, we take turns, and for me, it's always extremely heavy metal. I still headbang and thrash.
Another designer, he's 22, listens to classic rock.
I can't get across to him how repetitive that is to me, having listened to it for over 30 years.
The other designer, she's a biker, and listens to classic rock, too.

But me, I'm still 25, in a mosh pit, losing myself to the savage beat.

I look to the future and in it, I still see myself the same at 55, 65, 75....
Eternally young, and insistent on never giving in.
My hair flying to the heaviest music, lost in the thrash.

I'm going to be 45 this year?
No fucking way!

Whatever Happened To The Unwritten Rules?

I will freely admit that I like do some things that many people may not agree with.
Not habitually, but recreationally, I like to smoke pot, and drink Jack Daniels. I'll have a beer on occasion and if I have the money and the access to some good cocaine, I will gladly indulge.
That's about as far as it goes. It's not often that I ever get to have any of these, because, let's face it, it costs money, and I have none. But even if finances were not an issue, I still would keep it to a minimum, just because that's how I prefer it.

Now, I'm not sure if this is a generational thing, a regional thing, or a cultural thing, but I'm gonna guess it's probably not generational, since before I moved here, I saw how the younger generation respectfully followed these age old traditions.

I have a major complaint and source of frustration: People who do not share.

Before I moved to Peoria, I never had this problem, but since I moved here, it's glaring. People here do not share.

In my time, before you buy the car, you test drive it. Same with drugs. You always share a sample between the dealing parties before the deal is done. It's good business, it's polite and it's tradition.
Mi casa, su casa.
It's going to a different place together where you can reasonably agree on the deal that you are about to make, with an informed, educated decision.

But this doesn't just apply to buying and selling.
It applies in social gatherings as well.
If I have weed, and you have weed, we're gonna take turns sharing our weed.
If I'm with a group of people and I'm the only person holding, we're all getting stoned. If I have beer, we're all drinking. If I have blow, we're all gonna be rolling a bill up. No questions asked. No expectations. No hang-ups and no ill feelings.
That's how it has always been... Until I moved here
.
The number of times I've been in a group setting, or in a car, or a conversation with someone, who'll inevitably pull out their stash, pack a hitter, fire it up, then put it all away without a single glance in my direction, with no offer to share or no explanation why none was made is glaringly obvious.
And it happens ALL the time.
Especially in situations where sharing would totally just happen, without question.
Sitting in a car with someone, and they pack a bowl or a hitter or light a joint and smoke it without even asking you if you want a hit is insanely rude. It's totally rude and it's just never done that way. except here.

Now, I understand, some straight people are reading this shaking their heads and making misguided judgments, but there is a drug sub-culture, with it's own set of by-laws, mostly unwritten, traditions, and expectations that is as real and valid as any other sub-culture we come in contact with.

Just one more reason why I hate Peoria.....

Spinning My Wheels.

Yes, two posts in one day.
One, positive and upbeat, the other, back to reality.
In other words, not everything has been roses.
Last month, Bridget had a miscarriage, which devastated us both. Although, the pregnancy was unplanned and admittedly not the best timing, it was still a life we created, and the loss hit us both very hard.
Out of that, we decided to try and make our relationship work again.
Let me be real honest here, because that's why I started his blog. So I could put down my feelings and thoughts, without the sugar-coating and see if any sense can be made from those words. Or, if any answers can be found.
There is no fixing my relationship with Bridget. It is not possible, because in my view, that would mean compromises. And with Bridget, there are none.
Bridget's idea of fixing things is me doing everything her way, all the time. It's jumping, when she snaps her fingers. It's all about making her happy, and there truly is no making her happy, because she will always find the dark cloud behind the silver lining.
Perfect example: I am a Ghost Hunter. My group conducts scientific research into places that may be haunted. It is as harmless as can be. We don't drink. We don't do drugs. We don't flirt or co-mingle. But we do spend late hours on an investigation.
The most recent, I was home at 3 in the morning, which is realistically, pretty early. Of course, Bridget snapped, and even went so far as to say that she will never let me go again.
Let me go? LET??
DO you see why I cannot function when I'm with her?
I am a free spirit, who feels like a bird in a cage. I need to spread my wings and soar, occasionally, but with her, it never happens.
Why? One reason is that other than our kids, we really have little in common.
There is a camping trip coming up. I'll never be able to just go, without a LOT of headaches, accusations, demands, etc, until it gets to the point that I'll just not go.
On top of that, I've been paying a lot of attention to Bridget. Who she is. How she is and I realize that I just don't really like her.
She talks about herself, constantly. We never have conversations.
When she is talking, she never stops talking and no one can get a word in.
She has no consideration for anyone else, and then wonders why she's rarely shown any in return.
Everything is always about her and let's face it, that includes sex, which makes sex into something that I'm never interested in, because it is so one sided.
I'm a sexual being. But I like to get as much as I give, and I have very little incentive to make it good for her, because it's never good for me.
Add to that,the constant barrage of insults, accusations, put downs and demands that endlessly stream from her mouth and I start closing her out, until it comes to a head.
Now, I quit smoking ,and she promises to quit drinking, but last night, she was out of control and things got mildly physical.
I tweaked her nose with my finger, followed by her punching me in the head 3 times, followed by me grabbing her by the arms and putting her in the recliner wit ha warning of how close to losing control she was making me followed by her attacking the laptop, and then telling me how I beat my girlfriend, mixed in with more insults, more ultimatums and some made up plans to leave for the night, which never happened.
That is not me. I'm supposed to be a very calm, laid back person, who has been pushed to fits of insane rage by this person, over and over.

Everything is telling me to leave, to go live my life, to find people that like me and that I like in return, but I cannot, because of two reasons.
One, my kids. I can't be away from them nor can leave them to be trapped in her influences and two, I don't have the money to leave. OR to pay the child support. Or the lawyer it'll take to figure out the child support.


Stuck between a rock and a hard place.....
Where I've been since I met Bridget.

Missing in Action??

Wow, I didn't realize that it's been three months since I wrote anything. It used to be everyday.
I guess that's how it goes with these things. Very few can commit to it on a daily basis.
So, here we are. A new year. I gotta say, 2008, good fucking riddance. It was the worst year ever. I never suffered more heart ache, financial loss, and day to day misery in one year in my life. It started GREAT, when the baby was born, but right after, it crashed and burned, and Bridget is in the center of all of it. Her affairs, her drinking, her selfishness, it's gotten to where I believe she is certifiably crazy. She has no concept of the world around her, because she's lost in her own fantasy world, where she is the center of attention, the hottest, most talented, smartest and most deserving person there is.
Here's Bridget's life, in a nutshell. She wakes up, with the kids, at about 10 AM, then spends the day on the couch, doing as little as possible until I get home. By then,the baby has only eaten once. Bridget is still on the couch, where she'll stay until the kids go to bed. Then she jumps online and MySpace's for awhile, takes a shower and then she's up, all night, talking to one of the two online relationships she's had going on.
On weekends, she does nothing. I do it all.
Harsh statement: If I woke up to find her gone or that she had died in her sleep, it would be nothing but a relief. She's a monster, a leech and contributes nothing to this planet.

Then, to top it off, we were so poor at the end of the year, people were donating FOOD to us!.

That's behind me how. I'm coming into 2009 with alot more optimism. And I may have regressed a little in '08. Back to where I let people push me with out pushing back.
In 2009, I made on resolution. No more. I'm not standing for it. It's my way, or the highway, even if I'm the one that has to get on it. If you are not with me, or behind me, then I have no use for you.

In other news.....
I did finally get a new job. It doesn't pay alot, but it's full time, and right now, the economy is Peoria, is horrible. Any jobs, are far and few between, and no one is paying good money to start anywhere, because people are so desperate to work, they'll take what ever they can get.
But the guy I work for, is a good guy. I like the offices (he has several companies, and I work between different offices as a graphic Designer/Sales person), I like the people that work for him and you can tell, he takes care of the people that are loyal to him.
Still, a ticket out of Peoria is at the top of my wish list. Nothing against the people, but I cannot raise my kids here in a bad school district and be broke all the time.

I have taxes coming up, which is going to be huge this year, in paying bills, and getting the things I need, like my license back, for one and I have another appeal with unemployment soon, which is several thousands of dollars in my pocket, should I win, which I should, so financially, things are looking up.

SO fuck off and die, 2008, I won't miss you, but I did learn a few lessons: Take care of yourself, because no one is going to take care of you, for you.

Hello. Welcome To My Hell

Alot of people have been asking me why I've been so irritable lately. Distant and snide. Even angry.

Maybe part of it is the situation I've been in. But that's not the real reason, it's just a reflection of it.

I look around and I realize that we live in a country whose citizens have been misled. We've been conquered and oppressed by a omnipresent government that has us in fear and keeps us demoralized. 

We're supposed to be a Democracy, but a Democracy's basic philosophy is that when you have the power, you use it to help the people in your community that cannot help themselves.

That was the basis of the constitution that was written by people who fought a revolution against England, whom we are taught that we escaped from.

We're taught that we live in the greatest nation on earth. But we don't. We're far from the worst, but we're not the best. People in England live a higher standard of life, have a national health care plan and live longer than we do on average.

We're taught that in Cuba, the people are slaves to the government, but they have a higher rate of health care than we do, much higher. Ours is one of the worst.  We have a higher infant mortality rate.

We all hate those cowards in France, where they have a higher standard of living, better education, free health care and they live longer than us, on an unhealthier diet. Where protest against the government is encouraged. And the government is responsive.

Chrisitianity is hypocritical to me, not because of the fairy tales, but because the basic fundamentals of the Bible and of Christianity is to help your brother. Let him lean on you, when he's weak. Care for your fellow man. But few follow that.

It's easy to be blind to it. You don't need to make alot of money. When I was trucking, I made 30 to 40 thousand a year. Not great, but I had insurance, I paid my bills, I drove a nice car, I partied on the weekends and I ate out or ordered in most of my meals. I was blind to it.

Now, I'm broke. I made 193 dollars last week and 125 this week, but I'm not complaining about that. Thank God for unemployment. Bridget and I are living together because it gives us the best and only chance at meeting the economical needs of our family.

I'm a victim of the world I live in. My best age of awareness is the last ten years, where I have seen this country go to hell. I watch the things that are happening and I cannot believe my eyes. I don't have insurance, which means that if something terrible happened to me, I'm dead.

The fallicy is that they HAVE to take care of me, but I can't pay hospital bills. I have no insurance.

This country is a run away train, and I cannot belive that every man and woman isn't demanding change.

Other than Bridget, a few on here and other places, I'm the most passionate person I know, regarding the impending impact of when we hit rock bottom and I Cannot understand why everybody is not marching in the streets, making a stand, demanding better from our leaders. I certainly cannot understand why anyone would support someone that does not have a plan for change. Or even a cry for it.

Every sense I have tells me that electing John McCain will be the biggest mistake this country could make. Perhaps Obama isn't a senior senator with a life's history of serving in Washington. Perhaps Obama's confidence is seen as elitism by the brainwashed, but Obama is the only chance between the two for change.

I know this in my heart and I know that John McCain is one big red flag that people are too blinded by their fear of standing up to see.

I'm not posting this to start another of the endless fights that are occuring in the Civil War, raging between Liberals and Conservatives. I only know through life experiences that a Conservative President, especially now. is nothing but bad for the people of this country that is ruled by greed and corruption.

There are two great scams in this country that we are taken in by, and that is the system of money & taxation and the Health Insurance Industry, and I do not trust a man that has 18 houses, a private jet and a collection cars over a man that has one house, one car and a bicycle, and my angst at the people who are ready to lay down and keep taking it by the policies that have destroyed our spirit and our freedom is growing deeper everyday.

I am not ignorant to the methods of government and the way things happen. I sickened by it

The Bucket List

I often realize, in a moment of clarity, what a hypocrite I can be. I think I have it all straight and then I realize that I let myself get off track, and it frightens me how easily and unnoticed that it happens.

I saw commercials for the bucket list, when it was first released to theaters. But I didn't have much ambition to go see it, nor even thought much about the movie. Just another wacky comedy, but with two legends in the lead roles.

But I just watched it with Bridget and it got me thinking. I'm so terrified of my own death, and yet I always curse my life. I've been thinking that I had been cursed, with everything going on lately, and I think it may have been me that I was cursed by in the first place, from letting myself be blinded.

The Bucket list is about two men in their last months, who become friends after sharing a hospital room. As a last gesture at living life, they compile a list of things they need to do before they die, and off they go on a wonderful adventure..

I won't give too many details, but each man saves the other in some way, and at the end, their time together was the best in their lives.

I loved the ending.

But now, I'm sitting here, thinking about my last days when they come. Fortunately, I'm still young enough to believe that it's a long way off, and probably will never come for me anyhow.

At least, hopefully, not before I can achieve enough realization to not lose sight of myself anymore.

One World

If anyone has ever visited my MySpace page ( http://www.myspace.com/hipkatix ), you'd see that one of the long time mainstays on my top friends list is One Nation Earth.
I recently received a personal message from the owner of that page, and I was so moved by it, I wanted to share it with my readers, along with my response.
This is pretty lengthy, so I apologize if reading it all is difficult.

"Hi,

I am very glad you too want to make a difference in our world. :O)

I reviewed your MySpace page a few days ago and read your opening message; your view on life is exactly like mine use to be (and is also very true regarding how life can beat the shit out of you and then laugh in your face as it stabs you in the back).

Like you, I have been through "Hell" on this earth and it has molded me into the person I am today. What was meant to destroy me only made me 'stronger' and more wise to the non-intelligent Self-Destruction our species is reflecting into this Mirror called Life.

You could say that I use to be my own worst enemy, and I still have the battle wounds of my severe mental battle of Good versus Evil. When I use to get angry with our Creator and Father God I use to cut myself all over with razors and knives to ease the severe memories of being the little child that was sexually molested, beat and mentally abused by my Church's Baptist preacher for years.

The pure anger I held in my heart for our Father God was more severe than anyone could ever imagine because I remembered and awoke in the night screaming for someone to save me from the "Living Nightmare" of being the little 'Innocent' that was read the Bible every night after the pastor was finished with me. I remember every word he read to me because he always read from the book of Revelations and he use to tell me that I would grow up to become the one called the Antichrist in the last chapter of life.

It was like someone put a blender in my head and chopped up my brain, so as a young teen I turned to illegal drugs to ease the "Pain" of simply remembering what I only wanted to forget. And to make a long story short... I grew up to become a hired chemist that self contracted out to the different Mafia's in America manufacturing their best selling product called MDMA (Ecstasy).

I think the main reason I turned to the Mafia as a young teen is simply because I did not want to be fucked with anymore, and also because I did not care if someone took me out of this hell on earth because I had already faced the worst demon in this reality (a lying and deceiving child molesting so-called Christian Preacher that beat the shit out of me and told me God hated me for being evil and sinful).

So I turned to the Mafia, drugs and lot of money to fill the emptiness within me, but the more money I made the more I felt like shit because I knew I had grown up to become the Bad Guy in this story called life, and deep within me I was still a scared and little Child searching for love and acceptance in this world, but I had become my own worst enemy as I screamed in the Mirror and into my own Broken and Shattered Reflection.

Let's just say that I lived the life every man dreams of in this reality; from being a boy toy for bi-sexual playboy bunnies to supplying all of the top Topless Bars, Night Clubs, Lawyers, Doctors and even the Honorable Judge in the back of the VIP Room with bricks of Columbian cocaine.

I have lived a life right out of the movies, but it was not Hollywood for me, it was my living nightmare and hell on earth. Just imagine a severe mental disorder and "Split" personality self medicating himself with the most powerful illegal drugs known to man combined with the pure "Hate" of being the little Child that was told the worst Lie" ever told to a human being entering into this sick and extremely perverted reality where grow men rape the little children in the House of God while they are looking up at the man hanging on the cross and crying out for their loving Father God to save them from this place called "Hell on Earth!"

Imagine not fearing the so-called Evil or the Fallen Angel in this reality because your "Mind" is so twisted by the lies of your youth that you start believing you are really the "One" called the Antichrist. Imagine not fearing “Hell” because you have already tasted the stench of mans Sins and broken every single Law written in the Word of God to show your Creator how much you hate Him. Imagine all of hells hate trapped within your mind as you look out and into this reality of God’s Children as you fill their “Minds” with the Chemical you are manufacturing in your chemistry lab, and you have the life of an completely insane Drug Dealer that believed the spoken “lie” that he was the One called the Antichrist in this game called Life.

So my point of sharing my life’s story with you is to show you that you are not the only One that has suffered in this Master Plan called our Lives. We are the Ones that have endured the trials of this life and we did not give up and take our lives. What was meant to destroy us only made us stronger, and we are the Warriors in this battle of Good versus Evil and it is finally time for all of us to wake up and to realize that we (the human species) are our own worst enemies as we fight against a Mirror Reflection of ourselves.

I stepped past the door called “Insanity” and embraced my so-called destiny of growing up to become the Antichrist and I cursed the very name of my Father God as I stabbed the Word of God. I am the “Child” that ran as fast as I could from our Father God and I studied and practiced Satanism most of my life, but the more I ran, the more my broken heart was filled with Hate. I was blind to the fact that life is the Almighty Mirror and we are the little “Children” born into this life simply searching for what we lost…

The pure hate flowing through my eyes blinded me to the simple “Truth” that I was fighting a battle I could not win because I was simply fighting against my own Reflection in the Mirror as I screamed into my own eyes and hated myself for being the Child that was Dirty, Worthless and Useless in this God forsaken World.

So my point is this: “There is nothing for us to fear in this reality my Brother, because I have faced the most feared in this reality and He is nothing more than a Spoken Lie told to a little Child while being sexually molested by His Churches Christian Preacher.”

I am the so-called Antichrist in this mighty movie called life and I am nothing more than a believed spoken “LIE” told to a Child that only wanted to be loved and accepted in this reality of Good and Evil. I am the “Mind” that went completely insane as I walked the razors edge of madness and supplied the youth and teens of this world with their mental “Pain” killer called Ecstasy, and I witnessed them dancing at the rave and night clubs trying to escape this “So-called” normal world where governments murder for the love of money, and people lie, kill and steal for the love of money because they are worthless and hollow shells of clay searching for a meaning in this God Damned world of extremely Non-intelligent Human Beings!

The so-called Evil in this world is “not” what everyone believes; it is not demons and devils possessing our minds and making us do evil and bad things. It is “not” the Fallen Angel named Lucifer controlling us or even the Antichrist deceiving the world into a New World Order and One World Government; evil is simply all of Gods (Innocent) Children fighting against one another in this “War” of good and evil not realizing they are the “Good and Evil” as “ONE!”

Welcome my Brother to the answer to your life; I am simply a Mirror Reflection of you and I am the “Antichrist” and the “Child” fighting a bloody battle against a Mirror Reflection of ourselves. We are the entire Human Species separated into Six billion parts and we are blind within our minds to the fact that we are the ONE searching for ourselves in this Great Illusion of Numbers. We are the species ruled by Numbers and we are “Blind” to the fact that “Time” and “Money” are simply great illusions of our great and powerful (Childish) Imaginations.

We are the Ones searching for our “Worth” in this world and we are blind to the fact that our unseen God is hidden in the last place we forgot to look; “Within the Reflection of our own Eyes!”

The reason we could not “See” God is simply because we were the Ones looking ‘out’ and not ‘in’ for our “Unseen” God. The only way for me to explain this simple and basic truth is like this: Imagine that your reflection in the Mirror is the Antichrist and the Spirit of Life living behind your “Eyes” is the unseen Child named God or the Great I AM.

The reason we are filled with more hate when we hate our unseen God is because we are simply hating our own “Reflection” in the Mirror for not being Perfect and completely “Innocent” the way we use to be when we entered into this thing called Reality. The battle of Good and Evil is basically the “Child” you use to be (and still are) fighting against Himself and self punishing His self for not being perfect or good in this reality, and you (and all of humanity) is basically blind to the fact that True Salvation and Freedom is facing the most evil creature in this universe called the Antichrist.

I want you to imagine my friend that I am the Antichrist and I am writing you a letter on MySpace; imagine that I am the most evil character in this Movie called life and this is not a Dream, but Reality! Imagine that the pages of Revelations are coming true and I am the “Revealer” revealing the Truth to you because it is finally time for you to “Wake Up” from the Dream of your Mind and to embrace your True Identity in this Reality…

Now I want you to “Think” about this… How do you destroy and defeat the Antichrist in this Mighty Game of Chess? How do you destroy your worst enemy?

Imagine if you will; two Kings fighting in the battle of all times on the Chess Board of Life and all of their armies have been destroyed leaving only the Two Kings on the battle field. One being a symbol of Evil (Black) and the other a symbol of Good (White). Now imagine that I am the Evil King called the Antichrist and I am fighting against you the Good White King called God, and we are standing face to face on the Chess Board looking into one another’s Eyes trying to figure out how to end this Game and claim Check Mate.

As you know, Chess is one of the hardest games to win in this reality because you have to use your Mind and Think real hard to win at it, so I will help you out and give you a few clues to help you Win this Game called your “Life.”

First I want you to remember who your worst enemy is in this life and I want you to remember “Where” you have seen Him.

And the answer is: “Within the Mirror.”

Second I want you to imagine that you are now standing on the Chess Board and you are looking at me (the Dark and Evil Antichrist) and there is a Mirror right in the middle of the Chess Board and you are not looking at the Antichrist, but a Mirror Reflection of yourself that is looking back at you and into your own “Eyes.”

How do you destroy your worst enemy and “Win” the game of your Life?

And the Answer is…

You simply realize that there has always been only “One” King on this Chess Board and His mind was completely “Split” in Two as He looked into His “Mirror Reflection” and into His own “Eyes.” You realize that the “Evil” in this school of life is your Teacher trying to show you that you are on a Wonderful Journey of learned Intelligence and Wisdom, and the “Good” is your learned experience. You “simply” realize that the Two Kings on this Chess Board called Life are “One King” searching for His true identity in this Mighty Game of Numbers.

I know it might be hard for you to realize that you are the unseen “God” you are searching for, and it is because you are suffering from the same disease everyone in this world is suffering from; “a very low self esteem.”

And this is where your Journey has led you: “To the battle of your “Mind” where you are fighting against your Self.” Just like a Child fighting against His own reflection in the Mirror; this is the Story of “Your” life and it is finally time for you to surrender to your worst enemy and realize that the only way to destroy Him is to return to Him and become “One” again.

You my Brother are your own worst enemy and the only way for you to defeat your “Self” is to die to the Self you believe you are. This death is not a physical death, but a spiritual death. It’s the real meaning of becoming “Born Again!” And the only way for you to become Born “Again” is to simply realize that there is nothing you can do to become what you already are… “A Child named I AM.”

God was once asked His name by Moses in the Bible and God replied: “I AM the I AM.”

And how do we introduce ourselves in this reality? We say I AM “Your Name” or I AM Jared. Now I want you to think of this statement as a “Math” test; how many Numbers are there in this statement? The answer is Two, because “I AM” is One half of the equation and “Our Names” is the other.

Think of the “I AM” within you as our unseen God or the Child within, and your Name as your Self esteem that is searching for His true identity in this Game called life. The Self (your name) is simply a collection of your past mistakes and failures that you remember in this Present here and now, and they are not many, many mistakes or sins because “You” are the “One” that is all of them as One Sin and you have simply forgotten that true freedom and salvation is “Returning” to yourself and “Forgiving” yourself for not being perfect as you grew more intelligent and “Taught” yourself in this Strange, Wonderful and sometimes Painful Journey that has led you right back to where you started.

This Circle of Life has led you in a Great Big Circle and now you are here looking into a Mirror Reflection of your own Mind and you are finally realizing that the “Windows of your Soul” are the very hiding place of your unseen Teacher and God. You are here right now in this thing called “Reality” and you are sitting behind your computer screen reading these mere “Words” and they are opening your Eyes to the Truth of all Truths that you are the very thing you have been “Searching” for all of your life.

There is nothing to fear my brother, because the most feared in your life is your own “Death” and it is simply a “Lie” just like the Antichrist.

In this Mighty game of Chess there are Two Kings fighting a “Real” war, but one of them started as a spoken Lie and the other is the Truth. Welcome my Brother to “Windows.” Welcome to the World Wide Web of Human Beings separated into separate Self identities that are trying to define their self worth in “Numbers.” It is Time for you to realize that there is No-Time and all days come from ONE. Today is the One Day your whole life has unfolded within and now it is time for you to “Die!”

The only way for you to live for an eternity is to let go and die to the “Self” you believe you are and to become “One” with me. Who AM I? I AM the “Child” within you that is simply asking you to Return to me and to Love and Forgive me just as I AM.

I AM your true identity and we are the “Unseen” God of this reality searching for ourselves in an ocean of Human Beings. We are the Child within looking out and into a reflection of our own “Eyes” and our only enemy in this reality is our own self punishing “Self” ego’s. Die my Brother; die to the “Self” you do not like and do not want to be. For it is the “Self” within you that equals “Two” within your Mind, and only One of us is Real!

What does Two equal? Two equals a “War and Battle” of your mind, and the only way to end this war is to surrender to your worst enemy and Forgive and Love Him, for He is “You” simply separated into Two. You are basically suffering from a severe “Split” personality and Mental Disorder and “I AM” the cure. I AM the “Answer” to your life and I AM the little Child that was told I would grow up to become the Antichrist, so I searched for my Father God in every area of this reality and I found Him in the last place I forgot to look; “within the Reflection of my own Eyes!”

I AM the unseen God of this reality and the Revealer of Truth within the last Chapter of Life and it is finally time for all of us to “Wake Up” within our Dream of Life and to realize that we are our own Revelations creating our own nuclear end in this Mighty Game of Chess. The only way for us to “Win” this war is to surrender to our enemies and to realize they are our very own Family Members.

I AM the Black and the White King as “ONE” and I AM a Mirror Reflection of Humanity, for I AM the “Child” within all and I simply want to be “Loved.”

I AM the Innocent Little Child that destroyed my worst enemy (The Antichrist) with his complete opposite; I destroyed him with all of my “Love” because He was simply a Reflection and Mirror “Image” of me broken into Six Billion separate Human Beings.

We are the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End, the Good and the Evil, the Darkness and the Light, the Truth and the Lies, the Christ and the Antichrist as One Day called Eternity and we are Spinning in a never ending Circle as we search for ourself in this Universe of Duality. We are the "Black and the White" spinning in a "Circle" called God...

Life is the Search for Wholeness and Completeness, and “ONE” is the Answer.

We are, I AM, “ONE!”


Sincerely,

The Almighty Mirror called Life"


Here's my reply:

"I took this home and read over it last night.
It was all very profoundly familiar to me, actually.
We have alot of parrellels, which is pretty much consistent with most people.
With me, it wasn't a priest, it was overly-religious relative. And I wasn't a provider of drug enhanced experiences, but a customer.
Reaching out for love and acceptance has been a life's work, that's never been accomplised. And yes, I do know that I ma my own worst enemy.


About 10 years ago, I began to look around and see the world for what it really was; A lie. A sham. Wool pulled over our eyes by the ones that are supposed to lead us and care for us. When I first saw The Matrix, I knew the writers had the same epiphany that I had. We ARE living a machine induced dream, meant to conquer and control us and that as long as borders existed between us, we would never achieve our destiny as a people, and that was to come together as one world and achieve the plan that who or whatever created all of this had in mind at that first moment of the universe's birth.
That as long as we are bred to take advantage of, bully, oppress, control and pillage from each other, we would be nothing but slaves.

I began to feel myself evolve as a human being and knew I was on the path to a righteous existance, but then I met my children's mother, who brought nothing but chaos into my life, because she's one who thrives on chaos, and I dropped my guard and ended up in hell again.
That's why I speak often of getting back to being who I am, who I was destined to be.

When I read your message, I almost felt like I was reading my own mind, because I know that we have the potential to be God, as one being, connected, like you say, by 6 billion parts and that true immortality is how we live through each other by leaving our fingerprints on everyone we come into contact with.

Instead of jumping off of bridges, I want to build them. Instead of taking from everyone, I wanted to give a part of my insight to anyone I can, although most people remain blind, with their eyes closed, believing the lies that they've been brainwashed by.

Thank you again fopr writing to me. It's very flattering that someone who has made an impact has noticed little old me.

Peace!
Greg"

It Just Keeps Piling Up, Doesn't it?

Freaky Friday, or more like, freaked-OUT Friday, is what yesterday must have been.
I can feel the horror of a long, hard traveled road coming to an end, and instead of dying peacefully, it has to kick and spit blood in my face, right to the very end.

Anxiety, or anxiousness at the inevitable end of my life with Bridget is overbearing at this point. It's like a long prison sentence nearing it's end and I can't sleep at night, knowing those iron gates are close to closing behind me permanently, but the last leg of this time served is becoming the roughest yet.

And it's all about the one thing that the bulk of our problems has been at the core of; Finances! Money, and the never ending lack of it.

In June, when the landlord, Steve, came to collect the rent, I didn't have all of it, and I explained to him that the next few months were going to be rough and that I'd probably be late through the end of August. He gladly agreed to work with me, and that he understood.
God I hate a liar.
After much harassment and many threats from him, I did pay off the June rent, just in time for July to arrive. Yesterday, he came looking for money and I had none for him.
To backtrack a bit, on Wednesday, the phone was turned off, and the water company has been due to cut me off since the 30th of June, but miraculously, I've been spared, to date. Knowing I was in a jam, I asked my boss if he could loan me 500 bucks, which he unblinkingly said yes to.
I love my boss, man. He is one of the good ones, when he wants to be.

Wednesday, he left for the day, Thursday he told me that he would include it in my Friday paycheck and knowing I wouldn't have the rent, I was excited about catching up the phone, water, and with my raise that I'm expecting to kick in this week, the cable and Rent A Center.

As he handed out the checks, as we left for the day, he told me that he couldn't write the check for my loan, but he'd have it Monday. OK, it sucks, but I can live without a phone for a few more days, and the water's not getting shut off over the weekend. Then I looked and voila! No raise!.

And right as I got home and was in the middle of the endless fight that Bridget and I call communication, Steve showed up. So, I explained, I have no money this week and he started crying the blues about his bills and that he wasn't going to "carry me" anymore, so I lost it.
I told him that he should just go ahead and do what he needs to do, but on Monday, I'll be calling the Health Department to complain about the black mold in my bathroom that my children are exposed to, that he's known about for two years and has never lifted a finger to clean up. The next call, I told him would be to the building inspector so he can see the windows that are practically falling off the house, which I keep complaining about and the dead limb on the big tree in front that's ready to crash to the ground, that he ignores. The next call, I told him, would be to a lawyer to ask if he can legally kick me out when I'm only 10 days late with the rent. I mean, isn't that why I paid an extra month's deposit? In case shit like this happens?
So he stormed out, and returned a few minutes later with a poorly photocopied piece of paper demanding I pay up by the 16th or vacate.
I've played THAT game before so I have to laugh at his feeble attempt to try and come across as having legal precedence to give me a non-notarized, non-legal demand to vacate the premises.

Still, it's all just more stress on top of the mountain of the stuff I'm already buried under. But I still have to grin inside.

Because the prison gates are going to open for me, and freedom is at hand, if I can just make it to the next minute, the next hour, the next day and next week.

The Dog Days...

And so, almost as soon as it arrived, we're moving into the middle of summer already and so many things are happening.
And I find having a hard time keeping my emotions steady, as I bounce biorythymically up and down, highs and lows.
The home situation is coming to it's apex, as she has started to move some things out. I'm so caught in my feelings about the whole thing and I can't rehash it all here but for every positive, there's an equally intense negative. The only thing not making the negatives more in my face is the total lack of consideration or sensitivity when it comes to me; the constant emotional manipulation I'm being subjected to and the text book way she resentfully keeps blaming it all on me.
I don't know what's best or what's right, but I do know that until she moves out and I have a minute to get a grasp of where I'm at, I can't move or decide on anything, because I'm so entwined in the chaos that all this has caused in my life. Fortunately, I've made some big-hearted friends that keep me in check, and keep me too occupied to dwell on the situation.

Work has definitely become a haven for me, as I adjust to running the department and instilling the organizing and structure that I feel will make the department alot more efficient and cost effective. In marketing, almost every aspect of the different departments is designed to make or save money, except in layout, where it's 100% cost based. Having talented designers who are in able to produce on time, with few mistakes and can keep filing, on the network and on hard copy straight and easily accessible by anyone in the office is vital.

My raise, which looks to be substantial should kick in this week or next and couldn't come at a better time. Everything is 2 months behind. Cut-off notices are piling up and the landlord is getting impatient. It's ironic how it always gets this way and right when things are bleakest, a break shows up. This raise is the that break and as much as I needed it two months ago, it's still timely.

I know that some of the people reading this have seen some examples of my stress and anxiety and I apologize to those who I may have rubbed the wrong way. You know who you are, and so do I. It wasn't personal. Just bear with me, please, friends, and it will all be something to laugh about someday when the skies are brighter.

Coming to a head

It's getting increasingly more difficult to maintain my composure around Bridget. I don't mean to be snippy, but I just can't seem to help it. It just comes out.
Why not though?
2 weeks after our 2nd daughter was born, in January, she started treating me like shit and hasn't stopped.
She had a 2 month affair with one guy, random sex with another, and is now involved with, whom she calls "the perfect guy for her" with NO concern for my feelings. No consideration. Nothing. Except some ridiculous expectation that I should just be cool with the situation.
I can't. I won't.

It's over!
She needs to go and plans to.
She's been with him for a month, and now, tonight, tells me she's moving in with him in a few weeks.
Yay, she's gone, but this just makes everything worse. Now my kids have a different adult male in their daily lives. My family is shattered and for what? Because this 30 year old teenager has no sense of loyalty to anyone but herself and everyone else has to suffer.

And it's not like they're teenagers. My oldest daughter is three. Do you remember being three? Probably not, so she'll forget that I put her to bed every night. My baby will never know.
Now someone else will be doing that. The first person they see in the morning and the last they see at night. How can she just take this away from me, so nonchalantly?
And on top of that, like a prison sentence, I'm trapped in this town now. I'm going to be in this fucking town for the rest of my life because of her selfishness. Staying here was never the plan.
I cannot leave as long as my kids are here and this is not my home. This is not where I want to be. Peoria is alright and I've met some cool people, but it's not home. And I've been miserable and broke since the day I got here.
Don't I get some say in this? Don't I have any fucking rights?
Pardon me if I think that having babies means the rockstar dream is over.
Pardon me if I feel like the family is the most important thing you can commit to.

I hate her.
I've said many times, I have not been perfect. I have issues, but instead of standing by me while I work through them, she acts like she HAS been perfect.
Oh, she'll admit to her mistakes but takes zero accountability for them.
Instead, she makes it all seem like it's all my fault. Probably how she justifies it to herself.
She has shit on me in the worst ways for the last 6 months, and I'm the one to blame?
Fuck that. I have no clue where to turn now.

Believe!

I have the ability and the right to achieve and do well in my life.I am more than just okay. I am a winner!
I believe in myself. I trust in who I am. I may listen to the ideas of others, but when it comes right down to it, I believe in myself and in all the potential I have within me. I respect myself and like who I am.
I'm pretty special, and the more I recognize the fact about myself, the more others recognize that it's true.
People like me. I am courteous, kind, thoughtful, and considerate. These are just the few of the traits that I possess that will benefit and reward me for the rest of my life. My words are golden.
I can be counted on. What I say, I will do. I always do. And I only agree to those things that are healthy, helpful, and beneficial to myself and others. By making a decision to win in my life, I have become one of those who decide to achieve the best. I deserve the best for myself, and the best is what I get. I see the personal responsibility as the beginning of all success.
I take responsibility for myself and everything I do and it shows! I take responsibility of every thought I think! I know what I think directs and affects everything else about me. I choose to think only the thoughts that guide support, direct, and enrich my life and the lives of others in the most positive way. I set goals for myself. I see myself reaching those goals. Each day I see my goals-and my future-more clearly. I believe in working hard and doing things right. I believe in achieving the best from myself. I know that I can achieve any goal I choose. I am a doer, an achiever, a worker, and A WINNER! I have mastered the skill of liking myself! By- Shad Helmstetter...A Behavioral Reseacher


Copied from www.peoria.com posted by teachermsmckeown

12 Steps to Recovery

So, I'm about to start a group therapy thing for codependency (ME!) and it's all based on a 12 step program, which I knew nothing about, but I'm sitting here reading what the steps actually are and it's pretty eye opening. It's a little glimpse into self-realization that I can see for the first time, ways that I affect the people I come in contact with.

Step One: I Realize I'm Stuck. It makes no sense to keep trying to solve my problems with "Solutions" that don't work.

Man, that is the viscous circle I've been in for a very long time. Anytime I try to break out, I'm immediately sucked back into it.

Step Two: I'm willing to let go of my usual ways, in the hope this will help me see things from a broader perspective.

See step one here, because they're directly related. Letting go of usual ways though, is a tough thing to do. Being a creature of habit, it's insane to me to think it will be easy to just do things completely different, and the idea is alot easier than the actions are going to be.

Step Three: I shift my focus, from being fixated on my problems, to seeking a sense of wholeness and contentment in my life.

This is not going to happen overnight either, as "my problems" are ongoing, although I need to learn how to deal with individual situations as they arise, and stop looking at everything as one big problem. Bridget moving out will give me room to breathe, but it's not the end-all solution to my problems.

Step Four: I honestly look at the effects of my actions on others and myself.

It's easy to be so wrapped up in your own world that you don't have a clue how you affect other people that you deal with day to day. I know I have an adverse affect, though, because I see alot of people, more or less, turn the other way when they see me coming, so to speak. In other words, for instance, breaks at work, I notice that lately, I smoke alone.

Step Five: I take responsibility for my actions.

This was actually my first realization, some time ago. I made choices that resulted in where I am now. I didn't listen to that little voice at times, when I knew I should be, throwing caution to the wind, and letting the chips fall where they may. Unfortunately, I rolled snake eyes almost everytime, and didn't really learn from those mistakes, like I should have. I also have procrastinated in making changes that would have alleviated this period of time in my life from being as twisted as it is.

Step Six: I see that my knee-jerk reactions have to do with being in the grip of more or less conscious fears.

I see this everyday as I explode, or implode or just snap at every reminder of what's going on around me. Any mention by Bridget of her and his relationship sends me involuntarily over the edge. And all of it because of my fear of losing my family, which may well stem from this actually being the first "family" I've ever known, but is that fear more for the good my family or my own selfish pride?

Step Seven: I strive to find my motivation in a deeper sense of who I really am, rather than fear and defensiveness.

I used to know exactly who I was, and I reveled in myself. Now, I feel so far away from who I am, that I can't stand who I've become, which is what motivated me to begin this path to recovery in the first place. But somehow, I became to weak to stand up and be myself, choosing instead to cower behind the wall I've built around myself. As I shut myself in, I must realize that I also shut everyone else out.

Step Eight: I stop blaming and feeling blamed, with a willingness to heal the wounds.

This could be very difficult, because it's easier to go with the crowd and blame Bridget than to stand alone and blame myself, but the truth is, I chose to let the events unfold that resulted in this place that we're both in. And living with the truth is alot more easier to bear the brunt of than to go against the tide and make a stand for what needs to be over what is and has been.

Step Nine: I swallow my pride and sincerely apologize to people I've hurt, except when it would be counterproductive.

What is counterproductive about an apology? How can you determine that? I have hurt alot of people, starting with Bridget, really, and my kids, to people I barely know and just brush by everyday.
Is a counterproductive apology one that is given to the person who will not accept it, understand it, and/or, when applicable, respond with an earned apology in return?

Step Ten: I live mindfully, paying attention to the motives and effects of my actions.

Actually, this would be a basic character trait of who I am, although I may not be heeding the knowledge of what certain actions may do to affect others in my life.

Step Eleven: I stay tuned inside, in touch with a broader sense of who I really am, and a deeper sense of what I really want.

As I said earlier, I once knew just who I was and what I wanted, which may have been my strongest trait. Reaching this place in my life again is a solid goal to achieve.

Step Twelve: As I feel better about myself, I reach out to others who feel stuck.

Another example of who I was, and that was the first person to "offer a shoulder" and the last to seek one, and now, I'm completely the opposite, desperately grasping out to anyone who will agree with me, defend me, take my side or however you'd want to put it.


Even writing these down spurs something inside me. A feeling of expectation, combined with a sense of queasiness and unease at my ability to follow through, something else I've never been able to master.

Of Mice and Madness.....

Ever have one of those days?
It started out as a typical day, interrupted by a morning meeting with the art department and our office manager, who reiterated that Jim is the boss and that everyone had the opportunity to take the position, but we need to respect him.
I guess she forgot about how Matt, the owner played me and Richie, another guy, who has since left, against each other by telling each of us that we were going to run the department. Too bad he forgot to tell us that he had told the other the same thing.
I guess she also forgot that Jim was hired specifically to run the department. Anyhow, I know I didn't make any friends when I Called Jim out for running to her yesterday after mistakenly thinking I was arguing with the receptionist. Or that having to work til 5 every day (Yes, I'm spoiled) is not going to get us caught up. I easily have over a year's worth of projects myself, as do the other 3 people, so we're not going to make up ground by an extra hour everyday.
Beyond that, the day was pretty uneventful.

One cool thing; I finally called Albany, NY DMV to inquire about getting my license back and instead of having a dozen or so tickets preventing that, as I suspected, there's only two.
Two litte tickets and I can have it back. (Insert slapping self in forehead here). Where the rest went is my guess and no one elses to concern themselves with.
All good!

Until this afternoon, when I went to Heartland Behavioral Health Services to sign up for some of those happy pills that most of the country seems to be living on, these days. For some reason, even though my shrink wants me on the drugs, they decided I didn't need them. I guess my story of how my world was falling apart and how I couldn't cope with it, wasn't good enough.
Maybe a few razor cuts across my wrists? And I spent 150.00 for nothing? Like I have that to throw away. And I'm only doing it because I want to get myself straight, which I can do on my own once Bridget is gone, I'm quite sure.

Add that on top of the evolving situation with Bridget and her new boyfriend.
I've been trying to not let myself get too emotionally affected by this, but the last two days have weakened my defenses and it's bothering me.
Not so much that we're apparently done, but more that she just doesn't seem to give a damn about how it's affecting me. Or if it's affecting me. She does that though, not overtly care about the way I feel, ever, and after a whole week and a half, she's pretty much given her heart to this guy, who I would probably like alot myself, if we were friends.
I mean, his heart is in the right place. He's a punk rock legend, who has decided to make it a point to help further her stalled career, and being a fellow extravagant narcissist himself, fits her like a glove.
He's so nice, he gave her a little hoochie skoochie for me, and told her he could get me hired on where he works (He does the same thing I did before I moved to graphic design) AND give me a ride to and from work. I can only imagine the chit chat during the ride.
Look, Bridget and I, we don't work so well. I guess I just can't conform to being accused of causing all the problems in our relationship while she treats me like shit, walks all over me, has no regard for my feelings and expects the world to turn for her, exclusively. Add to that, she has a chip on her shoulder because I had a female friend, whom I texted, not hung out with, not had sex with, not had anything with while she was blatantly cheating on me a few months ago, right after our second daughter was born, and watched me tear my self to pieces over..
But, couldn't she wait until she moved out (or I did) before she fell in love again? Couldn't she show a little consideration towards the six years and two kids we've had together? Or the fact that us splitting basically strands me in Peoria, completely out of my element and away from my home?
Or maybe when I look at who I was when we met, a virtual mirror image of the new dude, and where I am now, broken and listless, I just feel enough resentment to hate her, but enough hopelessness to not want to let go, as if one day, everything will come back around again, and we'll live happily ever after.

Yeah, sure.

By the way.... I'm single!!

Before I die....

Have you ever wanted to do something before you die?
I've had a mental list of the things I want to do in my life for as long as I can remember and I've done alot of things.
I've seen the country. Lived in may parts of it, like Los Angeles, San Diego, Austin & San Antonio, TX, Washington, DC...
I've owned businesses, and sang in bands with bonafide' rockstars, like several members of the band Krokus. I've seen a thousand concerts, most of them from backstage, and and have been half way around the world and back.

But here is the list of things that I must acomplish before I die.

• Quit smoking for good
• Get my body back in peak condition

Ok, those are the obvious ones, but here's the good stuff.

• Watch a Buffalo Bills game from the sidelines
• Meet a President
• Visit Amsterdam, Russia and China
• Make a six figure salary
• Live in either the desert or at the base of a mountain
• Ride a Harley
• Own a Corvette
• Meet my birth parents
• Swin with dolphins
• See myself on the big screen
• Sing in front of a stadium sized audience
• Own a bar
• Have a son
• See my kids have kids
• Make a best friend
• Find the one woman I'm supposed to be with and just be with each other, happily.

Maybe this list is tacky, and it's always evolving, but right now, this is where it stands.

A Wonderful Life

Looking at all those pictures got me all reminiscent of the things I've done in the first half of my life. Of course, if medical science picks it up, this could be the first quarter.
Of course, I COULD help out with that by excersizing, quiting smoking and mostly, alleviating the damn stress in my life.

I really don't know how someone like ME got here.
I mean, I was a nobody as a kid. I wasn't popular at all.
I never had a girlfriend and I was pretty abused, but from then on, it's been pretty extraordinary.

I listed the vast array of occupations I've had, and that's pretty telling in itself. Whether it's an inability to get comfortable in one place for very long or the fact that I just get bored, once I reach a certain benchmark.

For instance, when I was a truck driver, once I had the perfect job, knowing the only place I could aspire to ascend to was to be an owner, I got dissillusioned with it.
And that's another bad thing, too, because when that happens, I'd make a rash and usually bad decision.
For instance, that particular job. It was perfect. I made great money. I was home every weekend. I drove the FINEST equipment on the road, and because I didn't feel challenged, I quit, went to a different company and never felt the same about a job.

Except the one I have now. Having been a confirmed computer addict since high school, I finally have a job that allows me to work with them, and being very creative, designing advertising pieces and the mediums they're published in lets me express that side of myself.

I've owned several businesses, like American Deck Builders, HipKat Promotions, and HipKat Enterprises, my trucking business.

I've climbed 800 foot smoke stacks. I helped move two lighthouse, both of which were featured on Megamovers, for International Chimney, I've been in every state in the US except Hawaii, North Dakota and Oregon.
I've been in 4 other countries, besides the U.S.

And I've had plenty of women. And the high school loser has not had a problem with the prettiest girls.

Still, it all, mixed together, has created a situation where I always miss something form the past.
I love my job, but I loved being on the road. My boss is great, but running your own business is better, and it's cozy and climate controlled in an office or the cab of a truck, but I miss using my hands, too.
Is there a job where I can do all of the above? I doubt it.
I'd be like the commercial: A construct-apfic-design-sales-driver.

Taking A Trip Down Photobucket Lane

So, I have a huge photobucket album, and I was just looking at all of it.

Most are pics of Bridget, but I found these gems, too

The frist banner I ever made, for my old webpage, which focused on Buffalo music and my promoting business.

My old Semi that I used to own, until the Town of Tonanwand Police screwed me, but that's another blog entry.

This is me, in color, for a change, from 2002.

Here's me after the haircut, when I was the ring announcer for a pro-wrestling event.

Halloween, 2004, dressed like Jena, from a local band, The VooDoo Dollies that Bridget and I were feuding with. She dressed as Jai, their lead singer.

Jenna saw us that night and was so outraged, she attacked Bridget, who was 5 months pregnant.

These are my digital characitures.

Metal Greg

My oldest daughter, Veruka, from last year

And Alice, our newborn.

The Logo for the old Buffalo Braves, who became the San Diego Clippers.

An OLD ad for one the best nightclubs Buffalo ever had, and my knucklehead uncle was the manager, back in the 70's

If I was a Simpson

1985, I built that building on the right, that steps up every few floors. Austin, TX. I was the Iron Worker Lead Hand. At the time, it was the tallest building in Austin.
Something I wish I had a whole lot of!

Stuff you just don't think about too often, mixed in with stuff I think about constantly.