Wow, I didn't realize that it's been three months since I wrote anything. It used to be everyday.
I guess that's how it goes with these things. Very few can commit to it on a daily basis.
So, here we are. A new year. I gotta say, 2008, good fucking riddance. It was the worst year ever. I never suffered more heart ache, financial loss, and day to day misery in one year in my life. It started GREAT, when the baby was born, but right after, it crashed and burned, and Bridget is in the center of all of it. Her affairs, her drinking, her selfishness, it's gotten to where I believe she is certifiably crazy. She has no concept of the world around her, because she's lost in her own fantasy world, where she is the center of attention, the hottest, most talented, smartest and most deserving person there is.
Here's Bridget's life, in a nutshell. She wakes up, with the kids, at about 10 AM, then spends the day on the couch, doing as little as possible until I get home. By then,the baby has only eaten once. Bridget is still on the couch, where she'll stay until the kids go to bed. Then she jumps online and MySpace's for awhile, takes a shower and then she's up, all night, talking to one of the two online relationships she's had going on.
On weekends, she does nothing. I do it all.
Harsh statement: If I woke up to find her gone or that she had died in her sleep, it would be nothing but a relief. She's a monster, a leech and contributes nothing to this planet.
Then, to top it off, we were so poor at the end of the year, people were donating FOOD to us!.
That's behind me how. I'm coming into 2009 with alot more optimism. And I may have regressed a little in '08. Back to where I let people push me with out pushing back.
In 2009, I made on resolution. No more. I'm not standing for it. It's my way, or the highway, even if I'm the one that has to get on it. If you are not with me, or behind me, then I have no use for you.
In other news.....
I did finally get a new job. It doesn't pay alot, but it's full time, and right now, the economy is Peoria, is horrible. Any jobs, are far and few between, and no one is paying good money to start anywhere, because people are so desperate to work, they'll take what ever they can get.
But the guy I work for, is a good guy. I like the offices (he has several companies, and I work between different offices as a graphic Designer/Sales person), I like the people that work for him and you can tell, he takes care of the people that are loyal to him.
Still, a ticket out of Peoria is at the top of my wish list. Nothing against the people, but I cannot raise my kids here in a bad school district and be broke all the time.
I have taxes coming up, which is going to be huge this year, in paying bills, and getting the things I need, like my license back, for one and I have another appeal with unemployment soon, which is several thousands of dollars in my pocket, should I win, which I should, so financially, things are looking up.
SO fuck off and die, 2008, I won't miss you, but I did learn a few lessons: Take care of yourself, because no one is going to take care of you, for you.
Showing posts with label Stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Stress. Show all posts
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Friday, September 26, 2008
Hello. Welcome To My Hell
Alot of people have been asking me why I've been so irritable lately. Distant and snide. Even angry.
Maybe part of it is the situation I've been in. But that's not the real reason, it's just a reflection of it.
I look around and I realize that we live in a country whose citizens have been misled. We've been conquered and oppressed by a omnipresent government that has us in fear and keeps us demoralized.
We're supposed to be a Democracy, but a Democracy's basic philosophy is that when you have the power, you use it to help the people in your community that cannot help themselves.
That was the basis of the constitution that was written by people who fought a revolution against England, whom we are taught that we escaped from.
We're taught that we live in the greatest nation on earth. But we don't. We're far from the worst, but we're not the best. People in England live a higher standard of life, have a national health care plan and live longer than we do on average.
We're taught that in Cuba, the people are slaves to the government, but they have a higher rate of health care than we do, much higher. Ours is one of the worst. We have a higher infant mortality rate.
We all hate those cowards in France, where they have a higher standard of living, better education, free health care and they live longer than us, on an unhealthier diet. Where protest against the government is encouraged. And the government is responsive.
Chrisitianity is hypocritical to me, not because of the fairy tales, but because the basic fundamentals of the Bible and of Christianity is to help your brother. Let him lean on you, when he's weak. Care for your fellow man. But few follow that.
It's easy to be blind to it. You don't need to make alot of money. When I was trucking, I made 30 to 40 thousand a year. Not great, but I had insurance, I paid my bills, I drove a nice car, I partied on the weekends and I ate out or ordered in most of my meals. I was blind to it.
Now, I'm broke. I made 193 dollars last week and 125 this week, but I'm not complaining about that. Thank God for unemployment. Bridget and I are living together because it gives us the best and only chance at meeting the economical needs of our family.
I'm a victim of the world I live in. My best age of awareness is the last ten years, where I have seen this country go to hell. I watch the things that are happening and I cannot believe my eyes. I don't have insurance, which means that if something terrible happened to me, I'm dead.
The fallicy is that they HAVE to take care of me, but I can't pay hospital bills. I have no insurance.
This country is a run away train, and I cannot belive that every man and woman isn't demanding change.
Other than Bridget, a few on here and other places, I'm the most passionate person I know, regarding the impending impact of when we hit rock bottom and I Cannot understand why everybody is not marching in the streets, making a stand, demanding better from our leaders. I certainly cannot understand why anyone would support someone that does not have a plan for change. Or even a cry for it.
Every sense I have tells me that electing John McCain will be the biggest mistake this country could make. Perhaps Obama isn't a senior senator with a life's history of serving in Washington. Perhaps Obama's confidence is seen as elitism by the brainwashed, but Obama is the only chance between the two for change.
I know this in my heart and I know that John McCain is one big red flag that people are too blinded by their fear of standing up to see.
I'm not posting this to start another of the endless fights that are occuring in the Civil War, raging between Liberals and Conservatives. I only know through life experiences that a Conservative President, especially now. is nothing but bad for the people of this country that is ruled by greed and corruption.
There are two great scams in this country that we are taken in by, and that is the system of money & taxation and the Health Insurance Industry, and I do not trust a man that has 18 houses, a private jet and a collection cars over a man that has one house, one car and a bicycle, and my angst at the people who are ready to lay down and keep taking it by the policies that have destroyed our spirit and our freedom is growing deeper everyday.
I am not ignorant to the methods of government and the way things happen. I sickened by it
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Past Lives
You know, in my past life, I must have been a real asshole, on Hitler level and this time around, is the punishment, because short of going to jail, nothing good has been happening, and everything bad that can happen, is. I've been a shining example of Murphy's Law; Anything that can happen will, and in my case, that's true if it's bad.
In June, I told my landlord that the next few months were going to be rough and that rent was going to be late, most likely over that period, and have to be paid in payments. He accepted that, we shook on it, and I have kept to that, having kept it to where I'm only half a month behind.
In mid-August, I laid out my plan to be completely caught up by the end of September, which he again agreed to, and now, all of a sudden he dumps this unreadable spreadsheet in my lap accusing me of owing him more than $1600.00! A far cry from the $890,00, which I can prove via receipts and cashed checks.
So I email this proof to him, along with a reminder of our agreements and include another agreement the property manager he employed at the time made with us on giving us a half month's break on the rent, because this place was filthy, dirty and bug infested when we moved in which we cleaned at our own expense.
In essence, with that credit applied, I owe him $25.oo, plus the month of September, which would actually be covered by our security deposit. I've asked him to use that deposit if he needs the money and I'll replace it, which would make us current.
Here was his response:
In June, I told my landlord that the next few months were going to be rough and that rent was going to be late, most likely over that period, and have to be paid in payments. He accepted that, we shook on it, and I have kept to that, having kept it to where I'm only half a month behind.
In mid-August, I laid out my plan to be completely caught up by the end of September, which he again agreed to, and now, all of a sudden he dumps this unreadable spreadsheet in my lap accusing me of owing him more than $1600.00! A far cry from the $890,00, which I can prove via receipts and cashed checks.
So I email this proof to him, along with a reminder of our agreements and include another agreement the property manager he employed at the time made with us on giving us a half month's break on the rent, because this place was filthy, dirty and bug infested when we moved in which we cleaned at our own expense.
In essence, with that credit applied, I owe him $25.oo, plus the month of September, which would actually be covered by our security deposit. I've asked him to use that deposit if he needs the money and I'll replace it, which would make us current.
Here was his response:
Greg,
I am following through with the eviction. It is already in the hands of my attorney Troy Roberts. I am finished with you as a tenant, Even if you come up with the amount owed on the balance sheet we will ask the Judge for a Forcible Entry and Detainer order and we will get the order. You are out. If you are out of the house prior to being served you can save yourself the expenses of court cost, service and my attorney's fees. Otherwise those expenses will be added to the judgment against you. Perhaps you should spend a few hundred dollars with your own attorney and have him of her explain the situation. In 20 years and a lot of evictions I have never lost in court. The judge will give you 7 to 14 days to get out, If your still there after the order date we will have a deputy stand by while Roger and his crew set your stuff on the curb.
Nothing like plying yourself on a guy's sense of morality, or humanity. I mean, I have babies, for crying out loud, and I've been pouring money into this guys pocket on a weekly basis for the last few months. Is he in his rights to dothis? Well, sure, I owe him money, but c'mon. It's not like I'm months behind. Or habitually late. I hit a rough spot and let him know from the beginning. He made agrements with me and now he's backing out. My fault for not getting them in writing, but I'm old school. I believe a person's word is binding. My mistake.
Making it worse, I lost my damn job, suddenly last week and am starting a new one this week, which is a financial blip, at the worst possible time.
So who was it, Hitler?? Atilla the Hun?? Was I guy that crucified Christ? Jack the Ripper??
Whoever it was, I must have been a real son of a bitch, in another time who fucked people over often, because right now, I'm totally fucked.
To who or whatever it is that's running this big show "I've had ENOUGH!"
Just a side note, I had to break down and employ a touch of censorship to stem the tide of scum bag losers that insist on making anonymous comments, so now you have to be registered to comment. I apologize, but certain assholes force you to make changes.
Friday, August 29, 2008
A Real Bloody Mess
Man, this has just been a week.
I'm so emotionally drained right now, I just want to go somewhere dark, curl up and drift off for good.
Last Sunday started with the much anticipated and talked about move. Bridget finally packed her stuff and moved out.
Sunday night was a journey in relaxation. I cleaned the house, watched a movie, had the place just the way I like it, and felt the tension finally start to drain out of me, even though I unexpectedly missed my kids in a way I couldn't have imagined beforehand. The place was all mine though, my life was completely in my hands and I was ready to start rebuilding from the ground up.
But of course, it couldn't go as planned. There had to be a monkey wrench thrown in by the biggest monkey; Her boyfriend! Seems he had a change of heart somewhere between his desperate pleas for her to move in with him and her actually doing that.
I told her that maybe he was just a little overwhelmed and nervous and that once she got there it would all work out.
At least I hoped it would.
Monday morning, first thing, I called Cilco, because I had to send them a little less than the 300 bucks they wanted, and was rudely told "too bad, you're getting shut off!" with my desperate pleas falling on deaf ears.
Sure enough, that night when I got home, no power. And a looming $840.00 bill to turn it back on: No way I could raise that.
That night Bloody came over to explain why he was gonna make Bridget move out and that was just too surreal. Here I am, finally feeling free, and my power's off and the dude that she took my kids away to live with is sitting on my porch basically telling me that he's gonna send her back.
Needless to say, that night I learned that having no power is the worst! You can do nothing in the dark, but sit and wait for sleep to arrive.
So, I spent the next two nights at a friends house and then on Thursday, thanks to Bridget putting it in her name, the power came back on and that night, she came back, as he basically dumper and her things here.
No clutter free house, as I had ached for. No Peace and Quiet. No "Me against the world", all alone, on my own, to rediscover myself and to fix what is broken and make use of this time alone to take a step towards bettering myself, my life and my situation.
That night was surreal as Hell. I think I was in shock, because a summer's worth of anxiety and planning, once off the launch pad, never had a chance to clear the tower, and now it was going to be delayed. I put up with 8 months of hell, knowing it was going to be worth the payoff of being able to have total control over my life again.
OK, I'm sorry if I sound selfish, I mean, it was great to have my kids back, and it felt good to be able to give Bridget a safe place to be, but everything is at my expense, and now, everything I had been saying about her situation with Bloody, was coming true. You cannot possibly know someone well enough to make a decision like moving in together in a few weeks. And I know there are some underlying issues and reasons for this happening, besides his excuse that "it just wasn't going to work out!"
Surreptitiously, I like to believe that this all happened for a bigger reason, based more on the cosmos and the alignment of the stars and planets.
Bridget and I, once, were destined to be together, but staying together was up to us and it didn't work.
We've been at each others throats forever, seemingly, so I think that before we part ways for good, the force that controls all stepped in and used Bloody as a pawn to come between us and everything happened so that we could have some time together where everything is peaceful, and there are no relationship issues, or anything like that.
Am I pissed at Bloody? Well, yeah, of course. I looked forward to her moving out for months and I celebrated in my own way, the night she was gone, but like everything else, it can't ever just work out. There always has to be a speed bump. And he promised her the world, and then snatched it away, putting alot of people in an awkward position and the very worst part, displacing my kids, and leaving them confused. I cannot forgive that above all else.
I'm so emotionally drained right now, I just want to go somewhere dark, curl up and drift off for good.
Last Sunday started with the much anticipated and talked about move. Bridget finally packed her stuff and moved out.
Sunday night was a journey in relaxation. I cleaned the house, watched a movie, had the place just the way I like it, and felt the tension finally start to drain out of me, even though I unexpectedly missed my kids in a way I couldn't have imagined beforehand. The place was all mine though, my life was completely in my hands and I was ready to start rebuilding from the ground up.
But of course, it couldn't go as planned. There had to be a monkey wrench thrown in by the biggest monkey; Her boyfriend! Seems he had a change of heart somewhere between his desperate pleas for her to move in with him and her actually doing that.
I told her that maybe he was just a little overwhelmed and nervous and that once she got there it would all work out.
At least I hoped it would.
Monday morning, first thing, I called Cilco, because I had to send them a little less than the 300 bucks they wanted, and was rudely told "too bad, you're getting shut off!" with my desperate pleas falling on deaf ears.
Sure enough, that night when I got home, no power. And a looming $840.00 bill to turn it back on: No way I could raise that.
That night Bloody came over to explain why he was gonna make Bridget move out and that was just too surreal. Here I am, finally feeling free, and my power's off and the dude that she took my kids away to live with is sitting on my porch basically telling me that he's gonna send her back.
Needless to say, that night I learned that having no power is the worst! You can do nothing in the dark, but sit and wait for sleep to arrive.
So, I spent the next two nights at a friends house and then on Thursday, thanks to Bridget putting it in her name, the power came back on and that night, she came back, as he basically dumper and her things here.
No clutter free house, as I had ached for. No Peace and Quiet. No "Me against the world", all alone, on my own, to rediscover myself and to fix what is broken and make use of this time alone to take a step towards bettering myself, my life and my situation.
That night was surreal as Hell. I think I was in shock, because a summer's worth of anxiety and planning, once off the launch pad, never had a chance to clear the tower, and now it was going to be delayed. I put up with 8 months of hell, knowing it was going to be worth the payoff of being able to have total control over my life again.
OK, I'm sorry if I sound selfish, I mean, it was great to have my kids back, and it felt good to be able to give Bridget a safe place to be, but everything is at my expense, and now, everything I had been saying about her situation with Bloody, was coming true. You cannot possibly know someone well enough to make a decision like moving in together in a few weeks. And I know there are some underlying issues and reasons for this happening, besides his excuse that "it just wasn't going to work out!"
Surreptitiously, I like to believe that this all happened for a bigger reason, based more on the cosmos and the alignment of the stars and planets.
Bridget and I, once, were destined to be together, but staying together was up to us and it didn't work.
We've been at each others throats forever, seemingly, so I think that before we part ways for good, the force that controls all stepped in and used Bloody as a pawn to come between us and everything happened so that we could have some time together where everything is peaceful, and there are no relationship issues, or anything like that.
Am I pissed at Bloody? Well, yeah, of course. I looked forward to her moving out for months and I celebrated in my own way, the night she was gone, but like everything else, it can't ever just work out. There always has to be a speed bump. And he promised her the world, and then snatched it away, putting alot of people in an awkward position and the very worst part, displacing my kids, and leaving them confused. I cannot forgive that above all else.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
It Just Keeps Piling Up, Doesn't it?
Freaky Friday, or more like, freaked-OUT Friday, is what yesterday must have been.
I can feel the horror of a long, hard traveled road coming to an end, and instead of dying peacefully, it has to kick and spit blood in my face, right to the very end.
Anxiety, or anxiousness at the inevitable end of my life with Bridget is overbearing at this point. It's like a long prison sentence nearing it's end and I can't sleep at night, knowing those iron gates are close to closing behind me permanently, but the last leg of this time served is becoming the roughest yet.
And it's all about the one thing that the bulk of our problems has been at the core of; Finances! Money, and the never ending lack of it.
In June, when the landlord, Steve, came to collect the rent, I didn't have all of it, and I explained to him that the next few months were going to be rough and that I'd probably be late through the end of August. He gladly agreed to work with me, and that he understood.
God I hate a liar.
After much harassment and many threats from him, I did pay off the June rent, just in time for July to arrive. Yesterday, he came looking for money and I had none for him.
To backtrack a bit, on Wednesday, the phone was turned off, and the water company has been due to cut me off since the 30th of June, but miraculously, I've been spared, to date. Knowing I was in a jam, I asked my boss if he could loan me 500 bucks, which he unblinkingly said yes to.
I love my boss, man. He is one of the good ones, when he wants to be.
Wednesday, he left for the day, Thursday he told me that he would include it in my Friday paycheck and knowing I wouldn't have the rent, I was excited about catching up the phone, water, and with my raise that I'm expecting to kick in this week, the cable and Rent A Center.
As he handed out the checks, as we left for the day, he told me that he couldn't write the check for my loan, but he'd have it Monday. OK, it sucks, but I can live without a phone for a few more days, and the water's not getting shut off over the weekend. Then I looked and voila! No raise!.
And right as I got home and was in the middle of the endless fight that Bridget and I call communication, Steve showed up. So, I explained, I have no money this week and he started crying the blues about his bills and that he wasn't going to "carry me" anymore, so I lost it.
I told him that he should just go ahead and do what he needs to do, but on Monday, I'll be calling the Health Department to complain about the black mold in my bathroom that my children are exposed to, that he's known about for two years and has never lifted a finger to clean up. The next call, I told him would be to the building inspector so he can see the windows that are practically falling off the house, which I keep complaining about and the dead limb on the big tree in front that's ready to crash to the ground, that he ignores. The next call, I told him, would be to a lawyer to ask if he can legally kick me out when I'm only 10 days late with the rent. I mean, isn't that why I paid an extra month's deposit? In case shit like this happens?
So he stormed out, and returned a few minutes later with a poorly photocopied piece of paper demanding I pay up by the 16th or vacate.
I've played THAT game before so I have to laugh at his feeble attempt to try and come across as having legal precedence to give me a non-notarized, non-legal demand to vacate the premises.
Still, it's all just more stress on top of the mountain of the stuff I'm already buried under. But I still have to grin inside.
Because the prison gates are going to open for me, and freedom is at hand, if I can just make it to the next minute, the next hour, the next day and next week.
I can feel the horror of a long, hard traveled road coming to an end, and instead of dying peacefully, it has to kick and spit blood in my face, right to the very end.
Anxiety, or anxiousness at the inevitable end of my life with Bridget is overbearing at this point. It's like a long prison sentence nearing it's end and I can't sleep at night, knowing those iron gates are close to closing behind me permanently, but the last leg of this time served is becoming the roughest yet.
And it's all about the one thing that the bulk of our problems has been at the core of; Finances! Money, and the never ending lack of it.
In June, when the landlord, Steve, came to collect the rent, I didn't have all of it, and I explained to him that the next few months were going to be rough and that I'd probably be late through the end of August. He gladly agreed to work with me, and that he understood.
God I hate a liar.
After much harassment and many threats from him, I did pay off the June rent, just in time for July to arrive. Yesterday, he came looking for money and I had none for him.
To backtrack a bit, on Wednesday, the phone was turned off, and the water company has been due to cut me off since the 30th of June, but miraculously, I've been spared, to date. Knowing I was in a jam, I asked my boss if he could loan me 500 bucks, which he unblinkingly said yes to.
I love my boss, man. He is one of the good ones, when he wants to be.
Wednesday, he left for the day, Thursday he told me that he would include it in my Friday paycheck and knowing I wouldn't have the rent, I was excited about catching up the phone, water, and with my raise that I'm expecting to kick in this week, the cable and Rent A Center.
As he handed out the checks, as we left for the day, he told me that he couldn't write the check for my loan, but he'd have it Monday. OK, it sucks, but I can live without a phone for a few more days, and the water's not getting shut off over the weekend. Then I looked and voila! No raise!.
And right as I got home and was in the middle of the endless fight that Bridget and I call communication, Steve showed up. So, I explained, I have no money this week and he started crying the blues about his bills and that he wasn't going to "carry me" anymore, so I lost it.
I told him that he should just go ahead and do what he needs to do, but on Monday, I'll be calling the Health Department to complain about the black mold in my bathroom that my children are exposed to, that he's known about for two years and has never lifted a finger to clean up. The next call, I told him would be to the building inspector so he can see the windows that are practically falling off the house, which I keep complaining about and the dead limb on the big tree in front that's ready to crash to the ground, that he ignores. The next call, I told him, would be to a lawyer to ask if he can legally kick me out when I'm only 10 days late with the rent. I mean, isn't that why I paid an extra month's deposit? In case shit like this happens?
So he stormed out, and returned a few minutes later with a poorly photocopied piece of paper demanding I pay up by the 16th or vacate.
I've played THAT game before so I have to laugh at his feeble attempt to try and come across as having legal precedence to give me a non-notarized, non-legal demand to vacate the premises.
Still, it's all just more stress on top of the mountain of the stuff I'm already buried under. But I still have to grin inside.
Because the prison gates are going to open for me, and freedom is at hand, if I can just make it to the next minute, the next hour, the next day and next week.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Coming to a head
It's getting increasingly more difficult to maintain my composure around Bridget. I don't mean to be snippy, but I just can't seem to help it. It just comes out.
Why not though?
2 weeks after our 2nd daughter was born, in January, she started treating me like shit and hasn't stopped.
She had a 2 month affair with one guy, random sex with another, and is now involved with, whom she calls "the perfect guy for her" with NO concern for my feelings. No consideration. Nothing. Except some ridiculous expectation that I should just be cool with the situation.
I can't. I won't.
It's over!
She needs to go and plans to.
She's been with him for a month, and now, tonight, tells me she's moving in with him in a few weeks.
Yay, she's gone, but this just makes everything worse. Now my kids have a different adult male in their daily lives. My family is shattered and for what? Because this 30 year old teenager has no sense of loyalty to anyone but herself and everyone else has to suffer.
And it's not like they're teenagers. My oldest daughter is three. Do you remember being three? Probably not, so she'll forget that I put her to bed every night. My baby will never know.
Now someone else will be doing that. The first person they see in the morning and the last they see at night. How can she just take this away from me, so nonchalantly?
And on top of that, like a prison sentence, I'm trapped in this town now. I'm going to be in this fucking town for the rest of my life because of her selfishness. Staying here was never the plan.
I cannot leave as long as my kids are here and this is not my home. This is not where I want to be. Peoria is alright and I've met some cool people, but it's not home. And I've been miserable and broke since the day I got here.
Don't I get some say in this? Don't I have any fucking rights?
Pardon me if I think that having babies means the rockstar dream is over.
Pardon me if I feel like the family is the most important thing you can commit to.
I hate her.
I've said many times, I have not been perfect. I have issues, but instead of standing by me while I work through them, she acts like she HAS been perfect.
Oh, she'll admit to her mistakes but takes zero accountability for them.
Instead, she makes it all seem like it's all my fault. Probably how she justifies it to herself.
She has shit on me in the worst ways for the last 6 months, and I'm the one to blame?
Fuck that. I have no clue where to turn now.
Why not though?
2 weeks after our 2nd daughter was born, in January, she started treating me like shit and hasn't stopped.
She had a 2 month affair with one guy, random sex with another, and is now involved with, whom she calls "the perfect guy for her" with NO concern for my feelings. No consideration. Nothing. Except some ridiculous expectation that I should just be cool with the situation.
I can't. I won't.
It's over!
She needs to go and plans to.
She's been with him for a month, and now, tonight, tells me she's moving in with him in a few weeks.
Yay, she's gone, but this just makes everything worse. Now my kids have a different adult male in their daily lives. My family is shattered and for what? Because this 30 year old teenager has no sense of loyalty to anyone but herself and everyone else has to suffer.
And it's not like they're teenagers. My oldest daughter is three. Do you remember being three? Probably not, so she'll forget that I put her to bed every night. My baby will never know.
Now someone else will be doing that. The first person they see in the morning and the last they see at night. How can she just take this away from me, so nonchalantly?
And on top of that, like a prison sentence, I'm trapped in this town now. I'm going to be in this fucking town for the rest of my life because of her selfishness. Staying here was never the plan.
I cannot leave as long as my kids are here and this is not my home. This is not where I want to be. Peoria is alright and I've met some cool people, but it's not home. And I've been miserable and broke since the day I got here.
Don't I get some say in this? Don't I have any fucking rights?
Pardon me if I think that having babies means the rockstar dream is over.
Pardon me if I feel like the family is the most important thing you can commit to.
I hate her.
I've said many times, I have not been perfect. I have issues, but instead of standing by me while I work through them, she acts like she HAS been perfect.
Oh, she'll admit to her mistakes but takes zero accountability for them.
Instead, she makes it all seem like it's all my fault. Probably how she justifies it to herself.
She has shit on me in the worst ways for the last 6 months, and I'm the one to blame?
Fuck that. I have no clue where to turn now.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Woman
"Ungrateful little bitches, aren't they?
I want to ask you something. You all go to church.
Do you think God knew what He was doing when He created woman?
No shit! I really want to know.
Or do you think it was one of His minor mistakes?
Like tidal waves! Earthquakes! Floods!
Do you think women are like that?
What's the matter?
You don't think God makes mistakes?
Of course He does.
We all make mistakes.
Of course, we make mistakes, they call it evil.
When God makes mistakes, they call it...nature.
So what do you think?
Women...are they a mistake?
Or did He do it to us on purpose?!
I really want to know!
If it's a mistake, maybe we can do something about it!
Find a cure!
Invent a vaccine.
Build up our immune systems.
Get a little exercise.
Twenty push-ups a day...
...and you never have to be afflicted with women, ever again!" ...from The Witches of Eastwick
What is it with women? Certain women, anyhow, that they feel they can just walk all over you and there are zero repercussions!
Bridget and her new boyfriend get together, alot! And she always tells me what time she'll be home and she's always late. By, like, 5 hours. Now, I'm not stupid. I know what's going on, and that hurts enough, but you know what it really is?
It's not just that she's with some other guy. It's the way she talks to him. The way she dresses when she goes out with him. The way she is around him.
I see them walking into a place like they're rock 'n roll royalty, which is what WE were! Everywhere we went, people took notice. But she hasn't been that way around me in almost 3 years, and that is what has worn me down the most.
She says I act like I want her the most when she's with someone else, but it's not because she's with some other guy; It's because she's being the person I fell in love with when we first met.
Because, I don't mind doing things for my girl, if I feel like it's appreciated. Like I'm cherished, but with all the bad things that have happened, none of that matters, if you can just make the other person feel fucking important. And I haven't felt important. If she talked to me once like she does him, this might not be happening.
You know what I mean?
I can't believe I'm going through this again already. I just did 2 months ago, for crying out loud.
My shrink loves it that I'm dealing with it, and I know what the problem is. I know why I can't just let it go. Because I am a classic co-dependent. And so is she, but I doubt she would agree with that. And when two co-dependents get together, they suck the life out of each other, trying to hold on and pushing each other away at the same time.
Thank God for this blog, because, it's a good outlet that let's me not be so tense and bottled up around her.
The other bad thing is the fear.
Will I meet someone else? Will she end up happier with him than she's been with me? Or do the things we only talked about doing? Will she tell him our secrets, or have better secrets than her and I did?
I guess those are easily answered questions. Yes, at some point I'll meet someone else. If they do those things or are happier, it doesn't really matter, nor should I allow it to affect the path I have to follow.
My biggest fear is that she'll rise to the top, and I'll get left behind, but that's probably the dependency thing talking.
My really biggest fear though, is losing the connection with my kids. Or another man becoming the primary adult male in their lives. That just makes me panic, but I have to hold onto one certain fact; Her and I are broken, and broken, by definition means don't work!
I want to ask you something. You all go to church.
Do you think God knew what He was doing when He created woman?
No shit! I really want to know.
Or do you think it was one of His minor mistakes?
Like tidal waves! Earthquakes! Floods!
Do you think women are like that?
What's the matter?
You don't think God makes mistakes?
Of course He does.
We all make mistakes.
Of course, we make mistakes, they call it evil.
When God makes mistakes, they call it...nature.
So what do you think?
Women...are they a mistake?
Or did He do it to us on purpose?!
I really want to know!
If it's a mistake, maybe we can do something about it!
Find a cure!
Invent a vaccine.
Build up our immune systems.
Get a little exercise.
Twenty push-ups a day...
...and you never have to be afflicted with women, ever again!" ...from The Witches of Eastwick
What is it with women? Certain women, anyhow, that they feel they can just walk all over you and there are zero repercussions!
Bridget and her new boyfriend get together, alot! And she always tells me what time she'll be home and she's always late. By, like, 5 hours. Now, I'm not stupid. I know what's going on, and that hurts enough, but you know what it really is?
It's not just that she's with some other guy. It's the way she talks to him. The way she dresses when she goes out with him. The way she is around him.
I see them walking into a place like they're rock 'n roll royalty, which is what WE were! Everywhere we went, people took notice. But she hasn't been that way around me in almost 3 years, and that is what has worn me down the most.
She says I act like I want her the most when she's with someone else, but it's not because she's with some other guy; It's because she's being the person I fell in love with when we first met.
Because, I don't mind doing things for my girl, if I feel like it's appreciated. Like I'm cherished, but with all the bad things that have happened, none of that matters, if you can just make the other person feel fucking important. And I haven't felt important. If she talked to me once like she does him, this might not be happening.
You know what I mean?
I can't believe I'm going through this again already. I just did 2 months ago, for crying out loud.
My shrink loves it that I'm dealing with it, and I know what the problem is. I know why I can't just let it go. Because I am a classic co-dependent. And so is she, but I doubt she would agree with that. And when two co-dependents get together, they suck the life out of each other, trying to hold on and pushing each other away at the same time.
Thank God for this blog, because, it's a good outlet that let's me not be so tense and bottled up around her.
The other bad thing is the fear.
Will I meet someone else? Will she end up happier with him than she's been with me? Or do the things we only talked about doing? Will she tell him our secrets, or have better secrets than her and I did?
I guess those are easily answered questions. Yes, at some point I'll meet someone else. If they do those things or are happier, it doesn't really matter, nor should I allow it to affect the path I have to follow.
My biggest fear is that she'll rise to the top, and I'll get left behind, but that's probably the dependency thing talking.
My really biggest fear though, is losing the connection with my kids. Or another man becoming the primary adult male in their lives. That just makes me panic, but I have to hold onto one certain fact; Her and I are broken, and broken, by definition means don't work!
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